For the first time in 25 years. Tears of anguish wash down my face as I write this. Tears of pain, tears of guilt, tears for the giant hole that's now in my heart. Tonight my PollyAnna died. My baby. My 3 yr old black pug. The one who always came to greet me at the door when I came home at night. The one that always sat on the arm of the couch within arm's reach behind me when I was on the computer. I never thought I'd be without her. I don't know that this pain will ever heal. As a pack of 4, 2 female pugs, 1 male pug, and a female boxer, there have been issues with alpha in the house. I think I've posted about it here before. It usually starts out as Dixie getting jealous over affection from Ellen or me. Dixie growls, Polly barks & growls, and Dottie being a 60 lb boxer would have to jump in. But it seemed they always ganged up on PollyAnna in the midst of it. Because she's fat & defenseless ? Were there other reasons ? I don't know. But a loud yell from us would always break it up & they would go into washing each others face afterwards. Today it got carried away. Way far away. I'll never know what started it. None of us will. Nobody was home except them. Was it a toy ? A bone ? A spot on the couch ? Whatever it WAS doesn't matter now. My PollyAnna is gone forever. Ellen came home from visiting her Mom from out of town at the hotel. When she pulled up no pups in the window. First time ever. Something's wrong. As soon as she got in the door the truth was out & there was our sweet PollyAnna, dead on the floor. She never had a chance. Luckily our oldest daughter & her husband live right up the street. Ellen called them & they came rushing down. Then she called me at work. Obviously screaming hysterically "Polly's Dead...Polly's Dead !!" I grabbed my stuff & ran out the door screaming I have an emergency. 80 mph all the way home. While calling back to get more info. Davide had brought a box for Polly & put her in the garage. They had cleaned up the mess, but I'm still finding hair in places. Before I go further, I know that Dottie is not a viscious animal. She's just big and doesn't realize it. I know it wasnt her intention to do harm, but I can't even look at her now. When I looked out the back door at her you could see she was dirty. No mistake who got carried away. So now I'm losing my 2nd baby tonight. Dottie is going to live with our other daughter Stephanie and her 3 kids. They all love her & she loves them. She'll be the only dog in the house so there will be no alpha issues. Dixie & Max will be the 2 pugs left in my home. I don't know that I'll ever try to get another pug. Maybe some day. To help fill the hole that's been left in my heart. I went to the garage & wrapped my poor baby in a towel & sheet. I held her in my arms & rocked her for an hour. Myself crying for the 1st time since my father died in 1982. I now know how a person feels to lose a child. My baby was taken from me. She wasn't sick. She was in the middle of something I don't think she understood. Dottie's gone now. Steph just came & got her. Oh my heart hurts so bad. Oh the emptiness I feel. We just talked some more & Dottie may just stay at Stephs for a day or 2. Maybe the seperation will help. I don't know. I don't know if I can trust her now with Dixie & Max. She's such a loving baby...just too big. My friends & family I'm sorry to have let all of this out on you. I'm sorry it's so long. I'm feeling numb all over. Numb except for the pain. Rest in Peace my precious PollyAnna. Though you're no longer in my arms, you're forever in my heart. I love you more than you ever knew.
