Yes, I am sick.

I have procrastinated writing this until literally the last minute. But I cannot procrastinate any longer. In four hours, I will be having open-heart surgery. My time to write is running out. It is time to come out of the closet. I feel that I owe the truth to my friends and the people who care about the band and our music.

I am a private person by nature, for the most part. I am far from a celebrity, but I have somewhat of a public profile in the world of music and I am aware that rumors have begun to circulate about Beauty Pill and about my health. I have started receiving emails from all over the world asking about it. Rumors began to circulate that I have a brain tumor or a drug addiction or other such calamity. People want to know what is delaying the release of Beauty Pill's music.

For some of you, this blog entry will confirm/clarify rumors that you have heard. For others of you, this will come as a complete shock.

For now, some facts. I will try to be as brief as possible, for clarity's sake. And because time is running out for me to write this.

What happened? you ask.

This past year, out of nowhere, I got a fever. The fever was intense and long-lasting. I was burning up for six days. Ordinarily, a fever that lasts longer than 2-3 days is considered serious and dangerous. This one made me feel like I was dying. I had to be hospitalized, shaking and convulsing.

At first I suspected Flu or Pneumonia. I was tested for both of these and tests came back negative. Deductively, the doctors decided I had a virus.

In the hosptial, I learned that, though it's the 21st century, our knowledge of viruses is still rather primitive. Nobody knows exactly how to treat them except to hope that they don't kill you. Doctors still kind of do a little rain-dance around your bed and chant the bad spirits away. I'm kidding, of course, but it's not that far off. Viruses remain a powerful mystery.

Eventually the fever broke.

The fever left me with a heart murmur, heretofore unprecedented for me. My doctor became concerned that my heart had become infected during my fever.

I went to see a cardiologist. He determined that, indeed, my heart had become enflamed by the virus. The term for this condition was viral cardiomyopathy.

This was bad news.

Viral cardiomyopathy is no picnic. I've learned a lot about the structure of the heart since all of this started. Your heart is relatively defenseless as far as infections go. It generally does not expect to receive unwanted guests. Other organs in your body (your kidneys, your lungs, your skin, your liver, your stomach) are far more likely to be infected by viruses. Getting a virus in your heart has been described to me by one nurse as being "as unlikely as being struck by lightning."

Because I am relatively young and in relatively good shape (I exercise 2-3 times a week, I have good blood pressure, good cholesterol level, and no other vascular problems), my doctor was optimistic. He was convinced that I would only need to take some pills for a month or so and I'd be better

So we began a campaign of drug therapy to deal with the condition. Unfortunately, for the most part, this therapy has had little effect, to my doctor's increasing dismay.

What is the problem, exactly? Well, my heart is getting a little bit larger each day because my valves are not connecting. And because my heart is getting larger, it is causing the valves to not connect. Read those two sentences again. Yup. A vicious cycle. After a while, if your heart keeps getting larger, game over.

At my cardiologists' suggestion, I consulted with a surgeon. The surgeon reviewed all of my tests and charts and we agreed that it was a good idea to have surgery to address the problem.

My surgeon is excellent. He's a calm, intelligent, confident but not cocky guy. I like him and I trust him. He assures me that I should not worry and that I will be fine, especially because I am young and in good shape.

Still, the surgery involves a guy I just met holding my heart in his hands and tinkering it with my chest sliced open. So, yeah, make no mistake: this is a life-and-death moment for yours truly.


I am confident that this surgery is the right thing to do and I am confident and optimistic about the outcome. Still, I felt that I owed to Beauty Pill's fans to be clear about what has been going on and how that has affected the release of our new music. That's why I'm writing this.

If you're reading this and you have ever cared about this band or the music we have made, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It has meant the world to us.

See you on the other side.

Love,
Chad


FAQ's

Q: Is there anywhere to get a general update on your condition?

A: This very blog will now be updated fairly regularly by my bandmates Drew and Jean. They will give general updates on my progress and status. They can also be reached by emailing us here or writing to beautypill@beautypill.com.

Q:
(A) Why/how did this happen to you?
(B) Could you have prevented it?

A:
(A) No earthly idea.
(B) Because of (A), no. Sometimes the wind blows at your back and other times it blows at your front. Y'know?



Q: What is your physical condition now? What is your state of mind?

A: Physically, I feel pretty awful. Because my heart is in such bad shape, everything is 10x more taxing than it used to be. It is hard for me to talk on the phone, I get out of breath. Walking across the floor to get a drink of water feels like a marathon. There is generally a bad feeling in my chest and abdomen. The feeling is difficult to describe, but it is very unpleasant. Many nights I have been afraid to go to sleep, for fear of not waking up. It's been scary and taxing.

Mentally, I am feeling quite optimistic about this surgery. I am looking forward to getting fixed. Emotionally, I am grateful for the people who love me, for you, the people who have cared about our music, and the extremely fortunate life I have lead. I have been hugging my dog a lot. The dog has been way, way into it.

I have some regrets --- for the last decade I let Silver Sonya, the studio that I own and run, take over my life too much. That was a tragic mistake. Running your own independent business has many rewards, but many perils. To a certain extent, SSonya subsumed my own art (mistake!!) and distracted me from the things that are really important in life, which is love and... well, love. Love is all you need, just like the song says.


Q: What about Beauty Pill? What about Silver Sonya?

A: Beauty Pill, I hope to reconvene in the Spring and finish the work on the albums we have been developing. I am excited about the music. The song "Ann The Word" proved to be somewhat of a breakthrough on many levels (including public reception) and clearly pointed the way for the band into a new terrain. I was blown away by the international reaction to the song. It has meant a lot to me and encouraged us to feel bolder about the musical terrain we have been privately pursuing.

I love the band so much and consider it one of the most powerful, creative ensembles in the world. Certainly as a vehicle for my songwriting, I couldn't be happier. I have loved all of the incarnations of the band, but this one feels the most... capable of anything! Amazing musicians and beautiful people. I'm excited about where we can go. I want to make music for the rest of my life. I hope I get that chance.

I am hoping to resume public activity in the summer --- a rematch with Fort Reno and the raingods perhaps? --- and publish one and maybe two new albums in the fall.

Beauty Pill fans are a devoted, passionate, long-suffering lot and for that, I'm truly sorry. Every day we get a few emails asking where to buy "Ann" or when the next album is coming out. I am flattered and moved and want to respond in kind. Just know that there is a lot of new, colorful, heartfelt music on its way. I am sorry you have waited this long. Truly sorry. If you have cared about our music, wherever you are, I love you.

RE: Silver Sonya: activities and management have largely been taken over by the frighteningly gifted Devin Ocampo, who is doing an amazing job. We have a really capable, small staff of engineers and we still work every day, making people's music sound good. So I'm proud of the studio's work. Even if I let it dominate my life a bit too much at times.