Elmo's version of the Wah Wah diaries.

8:40 am

Arrive at Sydney Intercontinental Hotel. Have take away coffee from Bill and Tony's in hand. Enter lobby, sit at table. Nice man in crisp white suit jacket asks to take my order, please. Smile apologetically, raising my take away cup. He nods politely and backs away.

8:50 am

Call publicist to be sure I am in the right hotel. Publicist answers, "Hi Andy!" I say. I've arrived early, is it ok if I just find a powerpoint and set up my laptop? "Ah, sure." Hmmm, "Who is this?" Realise I have called our photographer by mistake. He says, no sweat. "Just don't call Richard, Dick."

9:00 am

Leave message for publicist. Publicist calls. "You know Richard won't be there for another half hour? And he won't come down from his room til quarter to. And, I am nowhere near the hotel." Oh yes, I say. Of course I know that! Mutter something about always being prepared, blah blah. Hang up.

Slightly mortified.

9:01 am

Order second coffee, technically first coffee from the lobby bar. Bellboy seems pleased to see I have worked out how to integrate into surroundings.

9:02 am

Push sleep out of eyes.

9:05 am

Take inventory of other peeps. Sharp dressed men in expensively cut suits appear to be making deals with international conglomerates of global commerce. Or, making a date to play golf on the weekend. Wonder if Rolling Stones t-shirt, pink and black scarf and snakeskin boots are the correct sartorial choices to have made this morning.

9:10 am

Push sleep out of eyes.

9:15 am

Photographer Tim arrives, maps out brilliant shoot idea with Richard E Grant leaning back against a marble pillar topped with three small lion statues. Wah Wah, Africa, Richard the Lionheart. Brilliant. Make mental note that Tim is a genius. Cue me standing in for Richard E Grant.

Like I said, brilliant.

9:20 am

Reread stupidly great interview transcript from Richard's appearance on Enough Rope. Feel sure that nothing in recorded history will ever beat that interview. Note with interest that Denton name drops Bono. Again. Wonder briefly how I could weave Bono into my interview. Hey! Focus!

9:21 am

Imagine Richard E Grant wandering around his room in a robe, handsomely waiting for entirely dull day of interviews to be over with.

9:25 am

Finish reading Denton interview transcript. Have successfully destroyed all remaining self confidence. Tim sits with me, says he will grab Richard at the start for the photos. Okey dokey, I say.

9:26 am

Double check that piece of gaffer tape is still holding battery to laptop. Skoll coffee.

9:26:30 am

Spy Richard E Grant descending stairwell. Is wearing denim shirt and jeans, looks very relaxed and happy. Stride confidently over, nearly wretching laptop from out of wall socket. Tim introduces himself to Richard. Richard stick his hand out to me, looks me square in eyes and says in dulcet tone,

"Hello Elmo, good to meet you."

I say, "Hello Tim!"

Wholly mortified.

*Dies inside*

Richard E Grant laughs. And not at me. Spirits revived.

[insert dream interview].

10:20 am

Richard E Grant says goodbye, thankyou, and wishes me luck in my endeavours.

10:25 am

Float out of hotel lobby into brilliant sunshine. Pinches self.


Full transcript coming shortly, story will run in next week's issue of The Brag.