*****

Life After Death

The love of my life is now gone. I feel as though I can not go on. I mean… what is there that I have to live for anymore… What I want to know is why do I live when such an amazing women has to die? Why couldn't I take her place so that she could live on? Why couldn't I do something to keep her alive?

Every morning and every night this is all I can think about. Daily I brake down sitting and sobbing to myself hoping that no one will see me. Sitting there all I feel is guilt for not being able to save her, and shame for the same reason. All I want to do is go to hell where I belong.

One day in school I leave my classroom and go to the bathroom. All I can think about when I see myself in the mirror is how badly I want to die, and the different ways for me to go. I become scared of myself. Not being sure of what I might do I txt my one and only true friend to help me. As I am making a noose with my belt my friend shows up and throws me against the wall to make me stop. Taking my belt off the banister, and throwing it across the room he yells at me to stop what I am doing, "Would she want you to do this to yourself!" I stop and think to myself that he is right. Sobbing I drop to my knees in a fetal position. "What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you do that to yourself?" he asks me as he leans in closer. All I have to say about that is, "Why couldn't I save her?"

*****

Months after the death of my love I still cant get behind the wheel of a car. I walk everywhere now. Not only can I not drive a car, but I hate being around people. I talk to almost no one. I have no social life. Its seems that people stay away from me these days. It's as though they think that I am going to go crazy and kill everyone around me. Whatever at this point I don't really care what people think anyway.

Today everything in my head was just going wrong. I can't sleep so I walk to a near by park in the middle of the night because there is no one there in the middle of the field. All I want right now is to die. Walking around in the field I can't help but scratch at my wrists trying to make my self bleed away the pain of the horrible thoughts in my mind. Finally somewhere in the middle of the field I stop and fall to my knees. Still clawing at my wrists I stare at the sky. Thoughts of my father leaving me are running though my mind. Why does he love me? What did I do wrong? I don't blame him though. I mean the one person other than my mother, who dared to love me, I couldn't even save. Because of me she is dead.

Suddenly everything is black. All the pain is gone. All I can see is the face of the women I love. I can hear her sweat voice telling me that she loves me. She tells me to relax, that everything isn't my fault. She tells me that if I truly love her that I will not destroy my life and that I will move on for my own good. Then I fall into a deep sleep with no thoughts in my mind at all.

My eyes open a crack and I see sun light. Sitting up, as my eyes focus I come to realize that I spent the night in that field. Feeling a sharp pain I look down at my wrists. There is dried blood around and open sour from all the scratching. But suddenly I remember what she told me last night in this field. She wants me to be happy and to move on. That is all I can do. Finally I have gotten an answer about my life.