i've always been interested in what people believe, and how, and why -- even more so since rereading american gods.

i remember watching one of my very favorite films, breaking the waves, and i remember the power that was in bess when she said, 'i can believe.' that was really all she could do, but it turned out to be enough.

belief is a very powerful force, one of the most powerful there is. we don't know what lies behind the physical world that we can perceive with our five senses, but if we pay attention we know there is something. we can see it in the behavior of water crystals (hado.net), the mysterious behavior of animals before a storm, and a million other unexplained phenomena about which only the apocalyptically stubborn say, 'there's a perfectly rational scientific explanation for this.' well, maybe there is, but anybody who's even casually glanced at the findings of modern physics will agree: science is insane! there is stuff that is scientifically true that would blow your mind if you experienced it! and even science can't tell us where everything came from or where it all is or what it all means or what it's all for. even our most brilliant scientists have failed, and even when their imaginations didn't. (and here i am thinking of einstein.)

so, we don't know what lies behind everything, but most people, even those of us who don't profess allegiance to any particular religion, agree there is something. and i keep thinking: what if on the 'other side,' whatever it is, everything that is believed exists, and is true.

belief can make so many things true. look at basketball. or any sport really, but i was looking at basketball the other day... i can't say 'watching' because i wasn't really paying attention. but i was thinking: you know, whether or not that ball goes in the basket, means absolutely nothing. the ball, by itself, the basket, by itself: they mean nothing. their importance is wholly arbitrary. the importance of whether or not the ball goes in the basket is based only on the importance given to it.

but: because importance is given to it, it becomes important. alliances are made, bets are placed, and before you know it, careers, fortunes, even lives hang on the importance of the ball going into the basket. and all because humans decided to believe in its importance.

and this is true of everything! think about it! nothing really has any importance by and of itself, does it? other than what we give it? really think about it. i have.

so i've been going over this in my mind lately, and it's sort of giving me a headache. i'm gonna go have some water and advil and ibuprofen, and a shower and some breakfast (not necessarily in that order) and try to forget about this for a while.

later my family is coming over. it's my aunt's 45th birthday. we're awfully proud of her.

last night eric and cody almost hit each other again. josh and i kept them apart. eric was acting the fool. josh, in an attempt to subdue eric, accidentally snagged his lip ring and pulled it partially out. eric stopped what he was doing fast. i know that had to hurt. josh picked up the little ball from the floor and handed it to eric. i said something to eric about how he needed to chill the fuck out and he threw the ball at me. i fucking hate having shit thrown at me. i picked up the ball and washed it with soap and took it to him wrapped in a napkin. he was too busy staring cody down to take it from me. so i told him, 'if you don't take this fucking thing from me i'm dropping it on the ground.' he took it. as though he were doing me a favor.

cody is not smoking anymore, because of his probation, and he has a full-time job and a steady girlfriend and he is acting like a normal human being and not so much a teenager. he doesn't forget things right after you tell him, he's rational and fairly easy to get along with.

eric, on the other hand, just quit his part-time job. he gets fucked up all the time. when he went to bed this morning around five he was stumbling all over the place. he needs to take it easy on the partyin', and maybe then he won't be so impossible to get along with.

gotta run. groceries have arrived, and i'm making homemade chili.