Did you know the drive to Halifax is not actually that long? That is not true, because it is long. We left on Wednesday morning and stayed that night at this motel in Riviere-du-Loup, Quebec. Nathan and Shayne watched some sports game on TV, and I guess they don't password protect wireless in Riviere-du-Loup, so I was a happy camper and put a bunch of applications on my iPod Touch (recommended: Zippo Lighter application, and Brain Toot application).

We made it to Halifax the next day, and saw the Meligrove Band, Two Hours Traffic, and Holy Fuck shows that night. We played the following night at the Seahorse Tavern. I don't know if you've ever been to a really excellent rock concert before, but even those who saw the Beatles' first performance in the United States couldn't have felt the joy and gaiety felt by patrons of the Seahorse Tavern on Friday, October 24, 2008 at 1 a.m.. People applauded for our songs and everything. A couple of people we didn't know started dancing at the front.

Mike adds:
Jay and Darcy forgot my bass at the friend's cottage they were staying at, and the drive back out of town was way too long -- so my friend Chris Pennell totally saved the day by letting me borrow his ultra-hot 70s Fender Precision bass.  Chris rules!  Check out his band The Joel Plaskett Emergency! 

Upon arriving at the Capitol in Fredericton the next night, the lovely Leah informed us that a particular hotel down the road offered a nightly discount for bands. So we get to the hotel, and the lady at the front desk informed us with a smirk on her face that there was a swingers party happening that night, so we should be prepared for a night of 'lots of sex.' Hey, where else were we going to find a room for $50? Plus, most of the other bands would be staying there that night too.

We walked down the hallway and the door across the hall had a sign on the door reading 'Hotfreddycouple' accompanied by a photo of a (seemingly) newly married young couple, relatively attractive, sitting on a swing. I decided to go for a cigarette outside and two couples walked up the steps to this balcony (it was one of those hotels where you could enter your room from either the inside or the outside. Total luxury, right?). One of the men remarked to the other in the way only a middle-aged guy who spends his weekends going to swinger parties can, 'Yo man, I'm gonna piss on your car.' Reasonably horrified, the other man responded 'Piss... on my car? I'm going to piss... in your mouth. And then I'm gonna fuck your wife. In the ass. And she's going to hate it.' And the wife's standing there, giggling as her tits bounced in the way that only the tits of a cougar who's decided to skip wearing a coat in lieu of wearing an extremely low-cut shirt can.

'Piss in your mouth' proceeded to start talking to me. 'So, you gonna be joining us tonight?' 'No.' He tried to persuade me (dude is like, a fatter older version of the guy Drew Barrymore is supposed to marry in The Wedding Singer), and tells me all about how he's a professional sea urchin diver in Moncton, as if that's going to make me want to show him my tits or something. 'Come join us after.' I was scrambling for excuses and this guy would just not take it. 'You know what, man? I'm on my period. I could like, not even go near you guys, even if I wanted to.' He kind of smiled and went, 'If a monkey is sick, wouldn't you still feed it?'

After hearing his brilliant metaphor, I headed back inside. Nathan saw 'Hotfreddycouple' in the flesh. Turned out their wedding photo was from approximately twenty five years back. Shayne and I did some exploring and found a few more posters with screen names on them on people's doors: 'NaughtyChic72' and 'MastNNaughty.' So we packed up our shit and went to leave the hotel, only to find we had to walk the gauntlet, for the hallway was lined with about twenty of the filthiest people you've ever seen in your life. And they're all leering at us. I tried to make this butch/macho/'no way, dudes' facial expression so they would know I was completely disinterested.

During the Meligrove Band's set that night, I got called up on stage to tell the piss-in-your-mouth story and this girl shoved me when I tried to step in front of her, and said 'Fuck off.' So I pushed by her and then I told the story and right after the punchline I was met in a very Michael-Scott-esque fashion by hundreds of blank stares. Fredericton people don't get me, you guys. Thankfully the fangirl turned to me and apologized for telling me to fuck off since now she knew I was friends with the band and shit. Later on, a bunch of us were hanging out on the downstairs patio, and someone on the upstairs patio started puking. It was raining puke! The show went well, though.  Two Hours Traffic and Hilotrons played too.

As we were pulling back into our hotel later that night, our headlights shone into a room on the main floor with open curtains and lights on. When you picture an orgy, do you picture it with men who look like bus drivers and women who look like Camryn Manheim? Because I do, now. It was a bunch of naked people (mostly men) leering, guys standing around getting head, no big deal, people making out, some fat lady getting fucked, whatever. Upon seeing our headlights, they closed the blinds, but by then the damage was done.

Not wanting to be left out of the fun, we took a polaroid of Mike/Jay/Andrew and put it on the door with a sign reading 'Bored and Horny, Cum On In.'

Twenty or so minutes later, a knock was heard at the door and a real vampiress came into the room. Not all of us saw her, but we got this artist's representation (http://www.rps.psu.edu/..probing/graphics/albino.jpg). She said she might come back later but never did (presumably because sunrise was in a few hours). Then we all bombarded this billiards room downstairs. I don't know if you've ever been in the presence of ten or fifteen men who are normally self-assured and who take it upon themselves to try and act naturally in the presence of creepy, Mark-David-Chapman-looking men and Whoopi-Goldberg-except-white-..looking women. It's pretty funny. Then some of the guys started playing air hockey and we were cheering them on until all the swingers departed. Shayne actually went into one of the hotel rooms and a naked guy lying on a bed said to him 'Well, this is my wife, and you can fuck her, but just like, remember that I'm right here.' He remained abstinent, I think.

Say what you will about Halifax, but I actually found Fredericton, save from its vomit rain and pot bellies, to be quite charming.

We convoyed home with the Meligrove Band the next day and stayed at Hotel Madrid in Quebec that night, which boasts life-size dinosaur statues and monster trucks. Perhaps you know it: http://www.roadsideamerica...com/tip/7484

Then we got back to Toronto. And I slept for 14 hours.

The end,