The Super-Nate is a dirty Fucking pig section
Place any group of men in a room and eventually the discussion will turn to sex. I always had a sneaking suspicion, that girls do the same thing. Some details get fudged and smudged, but you never forget your first time. I remember a lot of first experiences but be warned, I was a heavy drinker for quite a few years so my firsts were probably a little on the strange side.
The first Nude woman I saw was Kristine Winder, Miss October 1977, in a ratty discarded playboy magazine. Oh Kristine, I know you have to be in your late 40s, early 50s by now but thank you for all the fun times. If you’re a myspacer I’d love to have you as a friend.
The first make out Session was with * Julie, oh Julie if I only knew then what I know now. Things probably would have been different. I took your shirt home with me and it smelled so good. I put it inside my pillow case until it lost its smell. I never saw you after that summer but thank you for the dry humping, the slobbering and the first hickey.
The first time…. Yeah, I was the star of the party when I saw you wander into the house. It didn’t take long for us to hook up; you were older and took complete control. Took me back to your trailer where we could be alone. Summer of 1991 and I was shocked. You gave a beer as Extremes More then words blasted from the stereo in the other room. The songs only 5 minutes long and change, but I managed to make the end. You sodomized me twice more that summer, usually when you were drinking. Thank you!
The first oral, the first audience, the first interracial loving and the first videotape. Fast forward to 1993. My friend Jens parents had left for a weekend. She went to a different school then me. Me and 4 of my Ellenville Friends showed up to a party with 16 Pine Bush girls. The first non sausage party I had ever seen. Me and the boys showed up with a keg and a half gallon of the cheapest vodka ever made. I made pitchers of grasshoppers until the blender burned out. I got everyone drunk including myself. I was scoping and weazing a bunch of girls. What’s going on by the 4 non blondes played loudly.
How I wound up with her I don’t remember. Half black and Puerto Rican, thick and cute. She led me outside where she pulled me under the second story porch. She dropped to her knees and fumbled for my belt buckle. I grabbed the back of her head. Suddenly I was bathed in light. I looked right and saw my friends with a camcorder and 4 Flash lights. I Told them to fuck off as Mikey screamed “She’s sucking him off” over and over and laughing. I put on a show and made them promise to destroy the tape.
The tape was never destroyed so the first naked woman and first porn most underclassmen saw was probably me and her. The last time I was recognized was 1996 and from what I could gain there was as many as 6 tapes made. Thank god it was days before digital or I would have been on the internet.
After high school my drinking got out of control. I found myself engaging in a lot of dangerous behavior. I was charming, Sauvé and a Bar hound. I found out that divorced ladies at the bar were easy picking. To quote Bob Seger “I used her she used me and neither one cared. My personal best was 12 minutes from handshake to bar door, with 2 broken cockblocks.
I won’t bother you with the first Road head, picked up by the cops, First midget, first 4 way, first I can’t believe you want me to pee on you, first a lot of twisted things and will skip ahead. I’m not that desperate for blog comments yet…It is sweeps week though
The Super Nate is a sweet hearted guy section
First true fine love. I met my wife on a blind date a few days after thanksgiving in 1995. Times were tough for this college student; I had a part time job at a body shop and a side gig painting outdoor furniture. I got paid by the piece so it was always hurry up set up the conveyor, load the gun and start spraying. I had a date at 6 and I started painting at 3:30. Like a madman I sprayed 800 chair arms with two coats of hunter green, ran ahead to the next work station loaded the gun with clear coat. 4:25 and I hit the door running with my check for 128 dollars. I literally slid in the bank parking lot across town at 4:31. Crap the doors locked.
Shit, Crap, Mother fucking lazy bank tellers. I went home and showered and changed. I checked the wallet and found 9 dollar bills. How am I going to pull this date off on 9 dollars? I borrow 2 dollars from my brother and find another 1.75 in the couch.
I pull into the forum diner at 6pm flat. She has our mutual friend with us. She is 5 foot tall, blond hair and glasses. She is a skinny little thing. I think happy thoughts, she’s small she will order something small and I can eat dinner too. We go through the awkward introduction and take a booth by the window. The small talk is nice and I place 75 cents in the wall mounted jukebox. I choose Gordon Lightfoots If you could read my mind, she chooses 7 seconds, 99 Red balloons, the mutual friend chooses Ace of base’s I saw the sign... I still hate that song.
The waitress comes to the table to take the order. She orders a large plate of cheese fries with gravy, a BLT and a coke. I scan the menu like I’m undecided. I add the prices of her order, Bitch that’s 9.25. I order a muffin and a coffee. Flat broke, oh well fuck it; I think.
I sing along to red balloons and she tells me I’m singing it wrong. The lyric is everyone’s a captain Kirk, not everyone says captain crunch. We argue, I know I ‘m right (I’m wrong). The date was a massive failure and I left the diner with a halfhearted nice meeting you, and 35 cents in my pocket.
The mutual friend tried to get me to go on another date with her. I said no way. She tried the same thing with her. She said he is huge asshole, no way. But alas a few weeks later we were at the mutual friend’s house watching Annie of all things and she felt asleep on my shoulder. She fell into my lap and I didn’t bother her. I was going to leave and tried to sneak out from under her. She awoke and I snuck a kiss.
Many break ups and makeup’s, some bad times and a lot of good times, she became my wife 10 years later.
*some names have been changed to protect the innocent.