1) If you can golf with three other people, who would they be? You cant say Chainsaw from Summer School, the kid from Airborne, or Edie McClurg.

Thanks for taking my answer, who shit in your cheerios this morning? I don't come in here raining on your parade. Way to start this off with an adversarial tone, is one of the following questions, "You know how many times I fucked your mom?"

I thought about this and I was going to say like Tiger Woods but why would I want to go out there and get my ass kicked? Since I usually play for money I want to play against people I can beat.

Charles Barkley- He has the worst golf swing on the planet.

Jesus- He wouldn't cheat and since golf wasn't invented when he was (allegedly) around I am sure he wouldn't be good. Plus I can make a lot of whore and Judas jokes.

Courtney Love- Money in the bank baby.

2) Who would portray you in a movie about your life?

Thomas Ian Nicholas, the kid from Rookie of the Year looked exactly like me as a kid. But now that I am older, rounder, and balder I guess Piven, which I hate to say.

Although I would love to just switch it up and have Clarence Williams the third or something.

3) Would you have a threesome with Tila Tequila and Forbidden?

Yes, no question about it. I would give them both a Birmingham booty call (look it up on http://www.urbandictionary.com), film it, and then plaster it all over the internet making me slightly more famous than the dude that does the "leave Britney alone thing" but less famous than the guy that sings "Chocolate Rain".

4) If you were a closer in baseball, what song would be your intro?

Soul Coughing's "Super Bon Bon" it isn't like pumped up music but I think it is the coolest entrance song ever. Or I could really fuck with everyone's head and play like "Love Lay Down" by Dave Matthews Band and just watch everyone in the crowd feel really uncomfortable for like ten minutes.

5) Who would you rather spend a day with, Carrot Top or Jeffree Star?

Considering I would kill either of the two I would have to say Jeffree Star because Carrot Top is yoked. As I crushed Star's head with a bowling ball he wouldn't really put up a fight, I wonder if is blood is pink and white? Although ripping on Carrot Top for an entire day would be fun.

6) Would you ever bring back the old profile names? Wayne Brady, Turd Ferguson, etc etc?

Nah, I've branded myself.... (And if you believe that than I want to sell you something, I am just too lazy to change a picture, video, name and quote)

7) The question that needs to be answered, Alba or Biel?

I used to think this was as slam dunk with Alba being the most perfect woman on the face of the earth but Biel just keeps getting better. Her body is absolutely amazing. But then I see "Into the Blue" on Showtime and realize that Alba is still the most perfect girl on the face of the earth.