Dear Friend,
If you knew me and/or tried to call me within the last
6 months, you might have reached a voice mail message that says, “Hi.
This is Jason and I’ll be away from my phone forever.” I’ve been taking
little to no incoming calls, responding to very few emails, and
overall, I’ve been a fair-weather friend. I pick-and-choose who to
interact with and when to interact with them as long as it served my
mood and who I was being on that occasion. The result I got was exactly
what I wanted. Nobody bothered me. Very few questions and requests
invaded my sacred space. I was busy enough as it is. I didn’t want
more. I just wanted to finish the tasks and tour at hand and get back
to the beach where I could cultivate courage, physical strength,
balance, and flexibility thru surfing; where I can be a bum in the sun
and waste all my precious time proudly at no one’s expense but my own,
(rather than challenge myself to cultivate that courage and strength
and balance on the road, or in any other aspect of my life.)
In
that way of being detached for safety came another result I wasn’t
expecting. I became unfulfilled, uninspired, and worse, uninspiring. A
definition for the word inspire is: to breathe life into another and I
gave up the chance to do that for others.
I’m writing this
because it’s important for you to know that I am still very human and
have been very afraid to admit certain truths and take on the many
responsibilities that surround them. I am afraid of success just as
much as I am afraid of failing. I have fears about how I’ll look in the
eyes of my peers, my family, or my fans. And up until now I’ve had
fears about sharing this information.
I’ve been praised a
thousand times for my positive outlook and my positive contributions to
music. And I’ve celebrated loudly and advertised myself as someone with
an attitude of gratitude. But all it seems to take is one small moment
of negativity, inadequacy, or fear, to break me from my most powerful
nature, that of being the possibility of real love. So the failure I
would create in THAT would reduce me again to feeling like just a
worthless soul whose life will be over before it began so what’s the
point in even trying.
Huh? All this is coming from the
positive thinking guy? Is this the same cat who wrote I’m Yours – a
song in which every stanza is about generosity, encouragement, and
letting go?
If you asked me how I wrote it, I’d give something
invisible to us all the credit. I would play my own life down,
believing I was unworthy of receiving fame, fortune and acclaim. I
would leave the parts out about my dedication to empowering music. I
wouldn’t tell you that I wanted to create a song in modern times that
could be as relevant as any Bob Marley song has been relevant since his
time. I wouldn’t tell you the part where I tried to write I’m Yours.
Even if I only spent an hour on the project, it took me lifetime of
living and learning to get there. Instead, I would say, the song just
popped out. and right there I would stop taking credit and downplay my
life, etc.
In music, if I’m truly committed to letting go – to
being completely open to the power of sound – surrendering to the love
supreme of spirit – and acknowledging how (to me) success thrives in
the instability of spontaneity – if I’m committed to any or all of
those things, then I can transcend this world entirely, getting as
close to or even being whatever God (or love, or happiness) might
actually be. If the performance of a song goes absolutely well, it
won’t even feel like a performance. In many cases, I won’t even
remember singing the song. It becomes more like time-travel, because in
that moment, I’m so not caught up in society’s game. My attention rests
in a space where time and space cease to exist. That’s the state where
infinity lies, and it’s the most intensely rewarding experience I’ve
ever known.
But if I’m not committed or the song/performance
goes wrong in any way, from a technical difficulty beyond my control to
choking on my own spit between phrases or not being prepared to fulfill
a fan’s request, fudging notes and playing or saying something that
isn’t part of the arrangement that I become too aware of in the
performance - When that happens I can’t help but to try to fix it,
change it, control it, or worse, escape it. There have been times when
I have said to myself, “I don’t want to be here” while I’m right in the
middle of a song, in the middle of a show, standing in the middle of a
stage in front of thousands of invited guests who all paid to see me.
Because
I perform in at least 180 venues a year, I run into the case of making
mistakes onstage more often than I would if I were performing only once
a week. On those “off nights” you might call them, when I don’t morph
into the God energy or vibrate fully with something grand, I take it
pretty hard. I create an idea that I have failed. I create something
that suggests, this means I am a fake. And so on. Those are the nights
I don’t appear in the parking lot after midnight to thank my incredibly
generous, spirited and loyal fans. In feeling sorry for myself, I can’t
listen to any compliments about the show because I am already hearing
in my head that it wasn’t. In wishing to be elsewhere instead of owning
the present, I’m fearful that someone might think I’m not grateful.
I’m
writing this for many reasons - mainly because I want to share with
everyone my humanness. No one can ever escape that. We are beings and
we have language therefore we won’t be able to stop the conversations
that keep creating meaning about everything. Even in talking to no one,
we talk inside our heads and create meaning about millions of matters
we truly don’t know anything about. And that’s perfectly normal.
But
what I have stumbled upon is the power in realizing that none of those
meanings mean anything. If you think I suck, that doesn’t change me.
I’m still here typing away. But the reality is, I don’t know you think
I suck. And even if you told me, I’d still be me. It’s not a threat of
any kind. Now, if you told me I suck and then pulled a knife on me -
that might change me. I might fill my underwear with number 3 for fear
that your intention with the knife could change me.
Remember that catchy phrase I won’t worry my life away?
For the first time in my life it’s manifested into something more than
just a concept. Worry is what happens when we create meaning in a way
that brings us down and it’s usually about an event that never really
happens. If a dog bites me, I might worry that it could happen again.
But that’s me worrying about a dog bite that has yet to happen. It’s me
holding on to being bit by a dog. My future is full of dogs biting me.
Get it? Therefore, the power in saying a dog bit me has more freedom
and truth than saying, “Dogs don’t like me,” which is a worry filled
statement.
The moral of my story is this. Tonight, I’m
appearing on American Idol, singing I’m Yours with a handful of
contestants from this past season and for the first time I’m actually
celebrating my own success. Even though I dreamed of having this life,
I’ve been too afraid that people will find me egotistic if I actually
show how much fun I have doing it. Even that SNL appearance in January
was this fond-of-hats-fellow at 50% due to the worry about how it was
going to translate on TV.
So I invite you to watch and share
with me the joy I truly have in doing what I do. I’ll be singing I’m
Yours tonight as if it’s the first time I’ve ever sung it. I’ll also be
wearing a t-shirt designed by my good friend, Jon Marro at
Blend Apparel.
The design of the shirt asks the question, What it is going to take to
have peace? For me, honesty and open communication are the keys to
freedom. And freedom from yourself gives you the greatest peace: Peace
of mind. Jon is someone I want to acknowledge for his tremendous
dedication to the peace and happiness of others. His love has truly
inspired me - breathed new life into me – and all I want to do is the
same – share it.
THANK YOU, dear reader/listener/fan/friend
for supporting my music and adventures after all these years, and being
a part of the huge story that this has become. Even if today is the
first time you’re tuning in, I Thank You for reading and singing along.
And to all who've been calling, my phone is back on (so much
actually that I'm entertaining the idea of taking on twitter soon.)
Sincerely,
Jason,
back stage at idol