Hello Readers, The following events are 100 percent accurate, the names (if mentioned), accounts and descriptions of events have not been changed, this did happen.
You are about to cross to the other side, to a place where one morning, the limits of the human sense of smell was pushed to new bounds, a moment in time where faecal evolution leaped forward. The events of this faithful morning will live on in the memories of all that witnessed it.
Note: all housemates had been out drinking the night before. Apart from two.
Warning: Do not eat while reading this blog.
1030am
Adams Account:
I awoke with an urge, no folks not that kind of urge but the urge to make a nice hot morning fresh cup of Typhoo for myself and my lovely Girlfriend Krissy." I will be back in a minute, going to make a cuppa" I said.
Upon leaving the bedroom and making my way downstairs, I was greeted by a smell half way down, I was a difficult smell to place, at first I thought oh dear, has one been someone been sick in the living room. Having glanced in, and there being no evidence of such expulsion of alcohol in the living room I moved into the kitchen, and put it down to a half-eaten pizza on the chair.
I boiled the kettle and placed the teabags in the cup, at which point I decided it was time to add the important ingredient of milk. Turning on my heels and reaching for the fridge handle, my eyes where lead in a downward direction by what at first looked like curry spilt down the front of the fridge.
Meanwhile
Jims account:
I woke on a beautiful day. The sun was shining through my window, which made my room warm and cosy just like a greenhouse. Due to slight dehydration, which one suffers during the night in such conditions, I decided to rise and proceed to the cool cupboard for a refreshing orange squash. I met my friend. Gasping, yet laughing, he couldn't get his words out, he could only point. I followed the line of his index finger. Unbelievable. Faeces running down the fridge.
Adams account:
I began to wretch at the sight that lay before me, then laughter, hysterical laughter! "What the Fuck!?" I believe where my exact words, At this point my friend James joined me.
Jims Account:
After about four minutes of hysterical shock-induced laughter (and telling everyone else in the household that there was shit running down the freezer) a plan to dispose of the offending item(s) was prepared. The planner, I. The executor, I again.
Strangely enough, there wasn't a Poop-A-Scoop in the cupboard under the sink so alternative means of transporting the shite to somewhere other than the fridge had to be deduced. The only things to hand: one left-handed Marigold glove and a dustpan from Poundstretcher. Unfortunately for me, the mixture of stools and something close to diarrhoea had found its way underneath the fridge. Luckily, my stronger right arm was at my disposal, the left hand in the Marigold poised to push the faecal matter to a more pleasant place. I lifted the fridge and slopped it out into the open. The stench was unbearable. My eyes had started to water because of the amount of gawking this task entailed. Pushing the runny mixture into something resembling a pile was next. Success. Now onto the dustpan and a mad dash for the toilet... the toilet upstairs. 1, 2, 3 WIPE! Stand up! Run! I dashed up the stairs carefully watching my step through my now blurred eyes... hoping that I wouldn't trip and end up with someone else's shite all over my face. I reached the toilet with my guts ready to explode. For some unknown reason, I lifted the toliet seat, before I sluiced it away. One flush and the nightmare was over. The house applauded... then went back to bed to combat hangovers. I'll never forget that day.
Who Done it? You decide!
The main question "Did you have a shit before we went out last night and when you got in?" circulated like wild-fire. Some said a dog might have wandered in. Judging by the height, it must have been an Irish wolfhound with a front-door key. However, the culprit was never brought to justice.
Strange but True Faecal Facts:
No Urine was found at the scene.
No wiping, i.e no used toilet paper, dishcloth or tea-towel was found at the scene.
Conclusion:
Adam and Krissy Came home together, can vouch that each other went to bed and used the correct facilities that night.
Jim and Marsh Again arrived at the same time again can vouch for each other, to add to Marshs case for innocence, he was actually on the toilet when I told him. (through a closed door)
Leni and Suspect X Both had apparently gone to bed before any of us had got in that night. You can write off leni though, its her house and she knows where the toilet is
Suspect X however may not have known where the toilet was and was a big girl. Im not pointing the finger here but it seems like the only plausible explanation.
