True story, the contents of which are now copywritten, because it's impossible for this not to make it into one of my screenplays or novels or memoirs before I die.

ok, went out with a friend for dinner tonight, Thursday, just hanging out.

get on a train coming home.

there are some wet seats.

so, I go to a dry seat.

stop some guy from sitting down. he says thanks, plops next to me.

"Thanks, most people wouldn't do that."

I say no problem.

we start moving.

he says thanks again, says how was your day?

"Boring?" he asks.

I say yeah.

"You coming from work?" he asks?

I'm not working.

Where did you come from?

Just dinner, hanging out with a friend. You?

met this guy. Oh god, I'm gay. Are you gay?

No, not gay.

Ok, well you're open minded! most people freak out about now.

was he cute? I ask.

gorgeous. we talked. drank some.

did you get his number?

yeah. I kissed him.

was it nice?

(swoon) yes!

trains moving.

What do you do? I ask.

graphic designer.

I laugh.

so am I, I say. haven't worked in a long time.

He ignores this.

well, it's refreshing to meet someone so open minded.

he touches my leg.

I really want to suck his cock, he says.

uh huh... yeah, you going to see him again?

I have to. He was so cute.

we travel some more.

can I ask you a personal question? He asks.

sure.

how big is your cock?

ummmm... so I tell him...

is it thick?

yeah, kind of...

pink head?

so I tell him...

(swoons again, almost falls over)

Mine's about seven inches, brown... not so thick. I'm spanish. Oh and you're a big guy, I love that! you know what I want?

what's that, I ask

I want to suck your cock. Oh, I want you to come in my mouth. you'll never get a better blowjob from a woman, a guy will do much better.

So I've heard...

he wasn't acting that drunk...

so, we transfer trains.

he pats the seat next to him, I sit down.

can I ask you another question?

sure.

have you ever had anyone lick your ass?

ummm, no.

really? no one's licked your ass and jerked you off?

nope.

you're missing out. it's amazing. something soft and, you know, a tongue going inside your ass, not like fucking you, but up and down (he touches my arm and moves his fingers up and down) I would love to do this to you.

I laugh nervously, hoping it's his stop.

are you going to jerk off when you get home?

ummm, not sure, I say.

did you jerk off this morning? He asks.

dude, it's thursday, of course.

so, then it's his stop and he kisses my cheeks, gives me his card, says we'll go out for drinks... and then he's gone.

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Ladies, stay away from me.

Shit, men stay away from me too...

I'm obviously the vortex of chaos. I will only make your lives hell.