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Mormon Santa



Last Updated: 1/21/2009

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Thursday, March 13, 2008 

Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
Mormon Santa, Certified "M-Touch" Therapist



Can you briefly explain the "M-Touch" and why someone might choose to try this particular massage technique?


I practice Mi Zone Therapy, which is a very ancient technique. I think even the Neanderthals must have done it. It is very effective in treating most ailments from a tight muscle to a not-so-tight muscle. I work to move stagnation of the body’s Mi Zone, unblocking the flow, bringing the energy body back into balance, and cleaning up afterwards. The "M-Touch" motivates the blood and navoid (or bellybutton) juices. If the Mi Zone is blocked in some way from emotional, physical or mental stagnation, the body may experience pain, dysfunction and eventually mocking laughter. By manipulating the Mi Zone, I am also helping my client raise their vibration. By working this vibration, the Mi Zone eventually goes back into balance, if the insurance will cover it.

In your opinion, what makes a good "M-Touch" therapist or practitioner?

In my opinion, a good "M-Touch" therapist is a good listener and can really listen to what the body and the bellybutton is saying, without putting words into its mouth using a funny voice or making icky faces. Always be a professional. If you smelt it, deal with it.

What is your philosophy on health and healing?

I believe that healing is a journey. It is a journey for both practitioner and client alike. Healing doesn’t always mean the client doesn’t die. We’re often like travel agents who get our clients the direct flight at the lowest fare.

Why did you choose the profession of "M-Touch" Therapy as a career?

While I was working on my degree in psychology, I completed a half-semester at Clown College, one of the good ones. While there, I started writing a research paper on the human potential movement with a focus on "M-Touch" work. I’d researched all types of bodywork from Reiki to Rolfing, but the "M-Touch" was the only technique that focused exclusively on the bellybutton. I realized this was the best and most effective way to release affect (emotions). Emotions get stored in the bellybutton in bands of tension that cause pain and also stick to fascia (connective tissue) causing adhesions in the body. Sometimes I think I understand what that means, but basically I fell in love with my own Mi Zone and continued on to complete my degree in "M-Touch" Therapy. It was also very easy to find and print the official certificate online.

Bryce
Bryce Landry

 
Look at that sweat. Wow.
 
Posted by Bryce on Wednesday, March 12, 2008 - 9:32 PM
[Reply to this
Mormon Santa

 
That is professional "M-Touch" Therapist lubricant.
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Wednesday, March 12, 2008 - 10:47 PM
[Reply to this
CJMICHIELS
Chris Michiels

 
MS Shocker! I never knew my navel was juicy - omphalos of the universe! c!
 
Posted by CJMICHIELS on Wednesday, March 12, 2008 - 9:40 PM
[Reply to this
Mormon Santa

 
I didn't know either. Approach it slowly so not to be overtaken by intoxicating vapors!
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Wednesday, March 12, 2008 - 10:58 PM
[Reply to this
Mormon Santa

 
Or at least complete a half-semester.
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Wednesday, March 12, 2008 - 11:00 PM
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Andre the BFG

 
I'm in my second year
 
Posted by Andre the BFG on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 8:39 AM
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Mormon Santa

 
Had to do a do-over, eh?
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 7:50 PM
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<*))meh)><
Sally Hellacious

 
that is bellybuttonclown AWESOME!!
 
Posted by <*))meh)>< on Wednesday, March 12, 2008 - 9:52 PM
[Reply to this
Mormon Santa

 
And umbilicious!
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Wednesday, March 12, 2008 - 11:03 PM
[Reply to this
Mormon Santa

 
Actually that's my father's womb, which I inherited unfortunately.
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 7:54 PM
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Doctor Handsome
Joey Joe-joe Junior Shabadoo

 
"M-Touch" is for beginners. I prefer more advanced massage techniques.

 
Posted by Doctor Handsome on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 12:35 AM
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Mormon Santa

 
I probably would've used the same move on Sigourney back in the day...
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 7:56 PM
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Andre the BFG

 
What the hell part of your body are you using to massage that poor girl's face?
 
Posted by Andre the BFG on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 8:38 AM
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C-Ray

 
Do the rubber gloves enhance the release of the belly emotions? Or should I not be asking that question?
 
Posted by C-Ray on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 2:06 AM
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Mormon Santa

 
Not really, but I charge extra to remove the glove.
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 7:57 PM
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Anna

 
Once I made it past the photo, I wondered -- what do people with outties do?
 
Posted by Anna on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 7:42 AM
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Mormon Santa

 
Some of them are doing it for themselves, but I'm bi-navel, too.
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 8:01 PM
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Andre the BFG

 
People with outties sometimes make inappropriate suggestions to people with innies. We're working on a navellous harassment policy right now.
 
Posted by Andre the BFG on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 8:36 AM
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Mormon Santa

 
Ah, but we're all innies or outties of one kind or another, are we not? I'll require mandatory diversity training for everyone here if I deem it necessary.
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 8:06 PM
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Vera Munson--Born Again Christian
Vera Munson

 
My lips are burning. Can M-Touch therapy make them stop?
 
Posted by Vera Munson--Born Again Christian on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 1:36 PM
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Mormon Santa

 
I can try the fragrance-free lube if you'd like?
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 8:07 PM
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Mormon Santa

 
That's it -- don't hold it in!
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 8:09 PM
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Uncle Nathan

 
And are you insured by Aflac? QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUAAAAACCCKKKK!!!!!!
 
Posted by Uncle Nathan on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 4:42 PM
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Mormon Santa

 
Only if you can prove you're a duck.
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 8:11 PM
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Mormon Santa

 
That's probably something like "cap my spongy white ass", isn't it?
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 8:14 PM
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Mormon Santa

 
In other words, "Okie Doke, cap my spongy white ass"?
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Thursday, March 13, 2008 - 8:42 PM
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. e,la;ine

 
eh. i kind of prefer tequila in mine.
 
Posted by . e,la;ine on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 3:19 AM
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Mormon Santa

 
If you provide the tequila, there's no extra charge.
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 3:16 PM
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Just me...Lisa

 
what do you do if a client doesn't have bellybutton juice? I have other 'juices' but none there.
 
Posted by Just me...Lisa on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 12:55 PM
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Mormon Santa

 
That's what you think! We Westerners simply aren't encouraged to appreciate and explore the potentials of our bellybuttons. Try some deep breathing exercises and lots of tequila.
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 3:22 PM
[Reply to this
Mormon Santa

 
The vast majority of us can't blow our own bellybuttons, so I see myself as providing an essential service to society.
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 3:43 PM
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MousE

 
Dude.

That picture is disturbing.

You totally need a pair of these:

<center>
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


</center>
 
Posted by MousE on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 5:14 PM
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Mormon Santa

 
If you're into Holly Hobby , I can do Holly Hobby. Might cost you your political career, though.
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 5:23 PM
[Reply to this
Aaron: The Co(s)mic Hero..

 
So this is PURELY therapeutic?
 
Posted by Aaron: The Co(s)mic Hero.. on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 8:26 PM
[Reply to this
Mormon Santa

 
Yessir! So can you ride with me, boy?
 
Posted by Mormon Santa on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 8:44 PM
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Chica Bruce
Alexandra Bruce

 
Morms!

Thank you for showing us how to beat the health care challenges of America!

xoxo

c
 
Posted by Chica Bruce on Monday, March 17, 2008 - 1:37 AM
[Reply to this
busybooklover
Mary Z

 
you really know how to put the "PLAY" in playtex. ;)
 
Posted by busybooklover on Tuesday, March 18, 2008 - 9:44 PM
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