I love me some Las Vegas.  I truly do.  All the glitz and glitter and glamour and any other word that starts with "G" that you can think of (even words like "gorgeous" and "gaudy" and "grotesque").  Love it.

SO, when my little brother Alan floated the idea that perhaps he and myself and my little sister Bridget should all go to Vegas together to celebrate the event of his turning 30 years old, I was all over it (okay, well, I made Tom get all over it with finding a hotel and other thangs) and so on Friday the 7th of November we took off early from work, met up with Bridget and her BF Shawn at her house out in El Mirage and we took off for Sin City.  I think the last time that Bridget and I were on a road trip together was an ill-fated trek through Canada in the 80's, and she and Alan were doing their best to beat the hell out of each other while I sat and moped as only a 15-year-old can.  This was much better.

On the way we wound up stopping off in the bustling hamlet of Wikieup, Arizona, which is home to a quaint little roadside restoreraunt known as Luchia's.  We took an illegal pee-break (bathroom for "customers only" but I dare anyone to keep me from peeing) and saw that in the fenced off courtyard behind the restaurant there are several giant peacocks wandering about.  They seemed to be quite unafraid of humans as one of them kept coming after me and attempting to shit on my new shoes.  Bridget was kind enough to buy some fish-food to feed them (only discovering afterwards that the fish-food was for the six zillion fish in their giant koi pond).  They didn't seem to mind, though.  The fish, however, seemed pissed and hungry, because when she went over to feed them, they were flopping all over each other trying to get at these little nuggets of whatever-the-hell-it-is that koi eat.  On the way out we stopped for a quick photo-op that was begging to be taken...

...funny how the man-figure looks like he's about to haul off and whack his girl with that turquoise-bejeweled belt...

...of course, I was not allowed to be the man, I got stuck instead with being the flat-chested desert woman... and I would never wear so much clunky jewelry!...

Ah well, we were having a lovely time anyhow... Lolita was raring to go, so we got in her and took off again for the bright lights of the Great Cash Drain Of The Desert.  As we joined I-40 near Kingman, the sun was beginning to set and the desert just looked beautiful in that golden light...

...it amazes me every time I see it...

...that's Lolita's shadow racing away like a Big Box'O'Gay...

...and not a cloud in the sky...

...I was feeling good and grooving along to my neo-disco dance music while exceeding the speed limit...

...Shawn and Bridget were grooving along with each other in the back seat...

...while Tom performed a booger-check on himself (all clear!)...

...I actually took this picture while driving...

...we even brought Li'l Buster Bear along with us for the trip!...

...Buster likes the desert, too...

...Buster kept yammering at me to slow down (and clean the damned windshield!)...

By the time we hit the security checkpoint (prior to reaching Hoover Dam... the highway patrolman was an awesomely hot hunk of man, super cute, I almost wished to be stopped for a strip-search or something) the sun was down, and we made good time across the dam (I will be SO glad when they finally finish that bypass, things will go SO much faster) and sped our way into Vegas and over to the fabulous Riviera Hotel on the Strip, checked in to our newly refurbished rooms (with flat-screen TVs in them!) and headed downstairs to meet up with Alan and Sarah at Kristofer's Steak House for dinner...

...Bridget and Shawn (I have that exact same shirt of his!)...

...Alan (the birthday boy) and Sarah (the birthday boy's girl)...

...J-Mo (cereal killer) & Tom (cereal killer lover) ready for biiiiig steaks...

We had a great time (and a few drinks) and talked about all the wonky shit Alan used to do when he was a kid... like, I remember him in the dead of summer running around the house wearing a big winter parka with the hood tied real tight over his face.  Or his fascination with Weird Al Yankovic's music.  Perhaps this was when his fascination with The Simpsons began (and that has never ended).  We enjoyed ourselves immensely and probably irritated tables all around us because we kept giggling madly...

...Alan's Vegas Birthday Crew...

Once dinner was over with, we headed out into the night to look for hookers'n'hoes.  Just kidding, we just wanted to find more akamahol and play our favorite people-watching game "Real Prostitute Or Just Super-Slutty Dresser?"...

...he's ready to get blitzed and gamble...

Tom and I have never seen the Fremont Street Experience, and Alan said there were some cheap casinos down there that he could get into gaming at.  Quite stupidly we decided to take a taxi from the hotel over to Downtown, and since there were six of us we had to take two... at about $15.00 apiece including tip, and they weren't really even able to drop us off in front of the Golden Nugget because of all the construction going on down there.  However, once we got inside we found ourselves out at "The Dive Bar", which is easily one of the coolest places I've seen and makes me want to go back this summer and hang out there some more... you see, they have a giant fish tank there that has a water-slide running through the middle of it... and there aren't just fish in there, but sharks, and possibly piranha, too...

...this is the water-slide... how cool is that?... I think it'd be a great way to discipline your kids if they were acting up, threaten to tie tuna-fish to them and send them screaming down the chute...

...and you know I'm all over a pool with disco lighting!...

...Tom told me later that he got hungry again looking at all that fish...

...something told me these sharks were kinda hungry, too...

..."Yeah, I hope that asshole from Gorton's shows his face around here!"...

...we were all transfixed (okay, mostly Sarah because she is terrified of sharks)...

...still, it was one of the coolest things I've seen there...

This being almost winter-time, we quickly discovered that drinking cold beer and such while outside (and near a pool with waterfalls) made us rather chilled, so we decided to move on from the Nugget and head on over to Fremont Street itself...

...a golden shower outside the Golden Nugget?...

...okay, really only two this time... I guess four if you count the ladies...

We headed on over to Fitzgerald's where Alan was looking for a blackjack table with a reasonable rate.  Upon entering Fitz's I noticed something right away... we were some of the best-looking people in the entire casino.  You may think I'm kidding or being egotistical, but honestly, I'm not... Downtown is definitely not where the Beautiful People are hanging out in Las Vegas.  Case in point...

...I spotted a random Mullet!... in the wild!!!...

...looking fabulous, feeling fierce!...

Seriously, poor Bridget was getting hit on right and left (and not just by some of the scuzzy patrons, the security guys were no better, they were circling her like dogs around a really tasty steak) but she handled it all with grace and dignity (while shooting me covert pukey-faces across the casino).  I don't know what was up in Fitz's, but their main gaming-table area smelled like an uneasy mixture of rotten bok choy and cleaning chemicals.  They did have a cute little bald-headed bear of a bartender there who coaxed a pretty good tip out of me as I progressed from sobriety to silliness (thanks to a well-placed shot or two of tequila).

...feeling no pain thanks to Mr. Cuervo...

...look what I found at the rainbow's end... a cute (if slightly drunken) guy!...

...of course, you knew I couldn't resist posing by the gayest lights on Fremont Street!...

After playing several different games (he seemed to have some success at craps, which I have absolutely no understanding of) we decided to make our way out to the street and catch the midnight showing of the Fremont Street Light Show... but before it even began we were treated to this sight...

...Super-Drunk Chick™!...

...poor thing, there was all kinds of gravity going on over on her side of the street (apparently)!...

...doing our best to emulate her example!...

...I know I was on my way!...

Truthfully, the girl was okay, her friend eventually was able to help her off the street and into a chair in the Fremont Casino where it appeared she passed out for a while.  And then it was time for the light show!  I was so excited, I had never seen this before, I had no idea what to expect!  Little did I know that it was going to be... well... see for yourselves...

...a giant pile of tits and ass writhing to classic rock...

Seriously, I was a bit disappointed with seeing that.  I know Vegas is all about T'n'A, but jeez, they could have at least thrown in a small shot of beefcake for the ladies (and us gay guys) but alas, we were only treated to watching the girls dancing around a bunch of phallic symbols.  Lame.  Oh well, at least I can say I've seen it now.

We headed on into the Fremont for a bit to do some more gambling (okay, really I wasn't gambling that much, I was way more interested in having some more tequila and beer chasers (and trying to get the silly image of those girls in their firefighter drag carrying that giant hose out of my poor head) and as I headed to the bathroom I found an interesting ad in the casino...

...for realsies, this woman looks just like local drag queen and former Empress of the Imperial Court Of Arizona, Julie Craig!...

...was I right, or was I?...

After some more shots and beers we eventually realized it was 2:00am and started losing some of our energy (and tolerance for some of the denizens of Fremont Street) and decided to make our way back towards the Riviera (Alan and Sarah had even further to go as they were staying at the Hampton Inn across I-15 down near the Excalibur, so we considered taking a cab, but then saw signage for The Deuce, which is the double-decker bus that runs up and down Las Vegas Boulevard, and decided that for 2 bucks each we could get right back home for about a third of the cost of a cab.  On the way there we stopped so Alan and Sarah could have their own cutout memory captured on pixels...

...I have no idea why Alan was making that face, but it seemed funny at the time...

Even funnier, that cutout guy looks like he's got an enormous woody in his pants (ha ha, didn't notice that at the time, didja Alan?)... but I guess with the rack on his cutout girlfriend I guess I don't blame him.  Anyhow, we bought our cards and shortly thereafter The Deuce pulled up and we went straight up to the top...

...I'm sure we weren't the only six drunkards on da bus...

...but I bet we were the happiest...

...I love the starry-sparkles on Tom's bifocals!...

...another booger-check (still all clear!)...

I took a short video to commemorate our adventure on Vegas Public Transit...

Yes, it was lots of fun, and much cleaner and brighter (and funner) than Phoenix Metro Transit is (and unlike PMT, there actually weren't any smelly urine-soaked homeless guys sleeping on this bus!)...

We staggered off the Deuce at Circus Circus and unsteadily made our way across the street to the Riv where we bid a tipsy adieu to Bridget and Shawn, and Tom and I headed for Kady's Cafe for some early-morning breakfast (I had a giant waffle that had the Riviera logo fried into it and some strawberry sauce that tasted like FD&C Red 293).  However, it hit the spot perfectly and we dragged our sorry asses back up to our room to crash on the immensely comfortable bed in room 6005 on the 60th floor of the Riviera (which isn't really the 60th floor, it's really the 26th, but they call it the 60th, I dunno why).

When we woke around noon on Saturday I took a few pictures of the view from our 60th floor room...

...almost looks like 60 floors up, doesn't it?...

...facing South (I think that's the Marriott in the middle)...

...I bet it's fun living in these apartments...

...when we stopped for gas Tom couldn't help but notice this ad for Jin-Jin Reeves' Motown show (he is a Detroit boy after all!)...

We were supposed to meet up with Bridget, Shawn, Alan and Sarah at the Planet Hollywood Resort for lunch, but I made the mistake of going all the way down to Tropicana and then heading north on Las Vegas Boulevard itself.  It took about 25 minutes to get the half-mile from the MGM Grand up to Paris, and we wound up parking in the Paris' garage, which is about a half-mile off The Strip.  By the time we hooked up with the rest of the sibs, everybody was super-hungry, so we went inside Planet Hollywood and found ourselves having lunch at Planet Dailies...

...Bridget was enjoying her panini and the cute little individual ketchup bottles they gave us...

...I originally took this picture because I thought the carrots were sliced in an interesting way, not realizing I was perfectly framing (and showcasing) Bridget's boobs...

After we finished our lunch Alan and Sarah took me to Gay Heaven... which had the Ultimate Disco Ball™ that I immediately fell in love with and would kill to have in my living room... I mean, seriously, how cool is this thing?...

...I would be a happy, happy boy to have such an objet d'art in my possession...

...we loved these crystalline skirt-thingies...

...I even was tempted to keep this sparkly broken string that I found on the floor (I didn't, I left it there to be repaired)...

...the whole place is just pulsating with vibrant color...

...even cooler still was this chandelier with the crystals suspended directly from the ceiling and precision hung at the proper heights to create this sphere...

...And this is what the color-ball looks like as it changes...

...too cool, no?  I'm lucky I didn't trip backwards over the end of the escalator...

It became somewhat of an ordeal to drag me away from all the glittery shifting colors, but eventually we made our way over to Paris and the parking garage to pick up Lolita, as I wanted them all to see the awesomeness that is the Luxor Hotel...

My Ex ("Kip" in Los Angeles) took me to Las Vegas for my 30th birthday, and we actually stayed at the Luxor, in a gorgeous corner suite on the 26th floor (with a clover-leaf-shaped hot-tub inside) and I absolutely fell in love with the place...

...the atrium inside the pyramid...

...Tom being puzzled by the Sphinx (D'oh!)...

I found a froo-froo drink bar at T&T (Tacos & Tequila) up on the second floor and decided we should all partake of something fruity and akamaholic... Shawn and I had Piña Coladas, Bridget and Sarah had Strawberry Daquiries and Tom hadda be the odd-man out (surprise!) and have the Peach-Mango-Rita.  We sipped our slushies and wandered downstairs to play some more games, eventually wandering outside to catch the tram over to Excalibur...

...O wise Pharoah, why do your eyes not flash anymore?...

...Shawn and Bridget find spicy love in Ancient Egypt...

...while Tom & J-Mo find a more grainy kind of love (but my teefs sure do look white)...

We headed on over to Excalibur to play some more.  They have the Octane Lounge there, where they have girls "dancing" on a catwalk to hip-hop music (I put the air-quotes in there because mostly they did a lot of hair-flipping and ass-shaking) while a bunch of horny men of all ages ogled them incessantly and scanned the crowd for actual hookers.

Tom and I left the others gaming and wandered upstairs to buy a soda... It was at this point that I made a horrifying discovery.  I went to unzip the wallet compartment of my Buxton Bag™... and found it was already open... and my wallet was gone!

I immediately panicked.  We had walked all over the damned Excalibur and Luxor, the last place I remembered having it was on the upper floor of the mezzanine at the Luxor when I bought the froo-froo drinks... but it could have fallen out anywhere (this is a serious design flaw in the Buxton Bag™).  I was totally freaking out because I knew I had to be on a plane in five days and with no ID I would be screwed.  Tom kept me calm and suggested we head back over to the Luxor and take a look around, perhaps we might find it somewhere.

SO, that's just what we did, but my heart was sinking like a lead weight... there was no way that a fallen wallet was not going to get snatched up in Las Vegas of all places.  Surprisingly, I had a pretty good recall of our meanderings in the casino, but there was no plain black Buxton wallet anywhere, so with a heavy heart I approached the Security Desk and timidly asked the fellas there if anyone had turned in a black wallet with an ID from Arizona... one of them started digging in his Lost & Found cabinet...

...and they had it!  I nearly cried with relief when I saw him shake it out of the envelope they had sealed it into.  After signing a release form I checked for my credit cards (all there... and I had no cash anyhow, so there wasn't any to be stolen) returned the wallet to it's proper compartment and securely zipped it up.  My faith in humanity was restored a little by the fact that someone actually realized what a horrible thing it would be for someone to lose something like that and turned it in.  If I could have found out who did it I would have totally bought them a Piña Colada...

With a much bouncier step we returned to the Excalibur, found Bridget, Shawn, Alan and Sarah and sat down in the sports bar to watch the Suns game finish up (Shawn had placed a bet on it at the Sports Book at the Riviera) and when the Suns won by 8 points he actually made a tidy winning sum!  Me, I had a few more beers to celebrate my good fortune.

Everyone was getting hungry so we wandered over to New York New York and wound up having a lovely dinner at Chin Chin Cafe, their Asian restaurant.  After a good meal we played some more in the casino, but the hour grew late and we began to tire, so we bid Alan and Sarah good night and Happy Birthday, went back to the Luxor, got Lolita and drove back over to the Riviera to crash for the evening...

...good times all around...

Although we didn't have an actual birthday cake for Alan, we certainly shared several Birthday Drinks with him, and Sarah took care of the cake-y thangs...

...blow, daddy, blow!...

...looks tasty!...

The next morning we reconvened near Alan and Sarah's hotel and had a quick breakfast at Jack In The Box (I love those damned hash brown sticks) and then got on the road to head home... Alan and Sarah were only a few cars behind us as we headed over the dam!...

...the Party Toaster in action...

So, even with the Lost Wallet Drama, we still had an awesome weekend together, and hopefully we will be able to do it all again sometime (perhaps in the summer, I think Ciandra would enjoy going to the water park Wet'N'Wild with me) and I know Alan had a good time turning 30...

...mmmmmm, caaaaake!...

love, J-Mo :)