I didn't see the Champions League games because I've been spending all my time with child actors, Adam Sandler and a guinea pig - in a professional capacity of course, I've not become a bizarre pervert with remarkable contacts.
Out here in Hollywoodland access to football is limited but proximity to mind-bending glamour is at an all-time high, why, one can scarcely leave the house without being smashed in the face with dirty great lumps of fame. That is why this week's column is jam-packed with genuine scoops, such as you might get from a genuine journalist - unlike a genuine journalist however I have licence to provide as much context as I wish and here it is.
On Tuesday night I performed a stand-up show with comedian Greg Proops who you will remember as the Elvis Costello-looking American gent from Whose Line Is It Anyway? The crowd of about a hundred people were strewn with stars such as Flight Of The Conchords, Fearne Cotton, Drew Carey, James May (out of Top Gear - that threw me), legendary producer Tony Visconti and Colin Hay - the bloke who wrote "I come from a land down under".
To be there at all was bliss but to perform was very heaven - aside from the plaudits and accolades that dripped from the ceiling like hot wax I was able to check the lyrics from Men At Work's best-loved hit - "where beer does flow and men chunder" is just one of the evening's revelations; which is a terrible advertisement for the antipodes.
Afterwards, in the spirit of celebration, I headed off to what can only be described as a swanky karaoke bar, keen to impress all present with a flawless rendition of "I come from a land down under" without even glancing at the screen. However this breathtaking plan was put aside on arrival to "The Villa" as there, within its confines, immaculate, impeccable and drinking bottled water sat David Beckham. That's right, David Beckham. Fearne Cotton cannot ever have been so hastily elbowed aside as she was when my hungry eyes met those ever twinkling peepers of dear David.
The next few minutes occurred as if unfurled from a celestial fairground; whirling lights and giddying mist, my hand on a sinewy shoulder, flashing blue eyes and a chuckle like cool water over smooth pebbles - all the while "A land down under" lulling me into a waking Shangri La. What follows are the snatched reminiscences of a conversation that may've lasted as long as nine minutes before security prised my jaw from his divine ankle.
Obviously, he's utterly lovely and sweet, this we all know, and my favourite moments from this encounter were these: at one point he said, quite unaggressively and entirely in keeping with the tone of the natter, "fucking" not as a verb of course, merely for emphasis, I can't absolutely remember the context because of the pounding of my heart but it was something like "Yeah, LA is a fucking nice place to live."
Now he's a 32-year-old professional footballer from Essex, swearing oughtn't really draw comment. I suppose it's because we see him speaking on TV so frequently courteously that it was like seeing the Queen apologise for a fart. A further highlight came when we discussed a forthcoming LA Galaxy fixture:
Me: Is it at home?
DB: Yes.
Me: Oh. I'd love to go. Ooh, do you think you can get any tickets?
DB: (with wry curling smile) Yeah I think so mate.
One can hardly imagine a situation where David Beckham would be denied comps for his own side's games; he could probably get tickets to La Bohème at Sydney Opera House with a snap of his fingers. How daft of me. Then after apologising for "talking shop" I asked what he made of the current England set-up and his own fitness and how playing in the MLS will affect his international career.
He said that Fabio Capello is a great manager who was fantastic at Real Madrid and will turn England around efficiently and expertly over the next six months. He said that training and fitness in MLS are as good as in Europe because American sporting technology and ideology is so advanced. And he said that he will keep playing internationally for as long as his legs will carry him.
David Beckham, on the basis of my encounter with him is a charming, intelligent and charismatic man who emanates warmth and star quality in a manner comparable to Princess Diana - for this alone he ought to be kept in the team for as long as he's willing to turn up. And for any who doubt the ability of this extraordinary athlete and ambassador, indeed any who would seek to cross him on or off the pitch, I think Men At Work put it best when they said "you better run, you better take cover".
First published in The Guardian