Returning from a collge visit this morning, Benita and I were driving out of Lancaster on the A6 when we noticed the traffic jam a head. Within moments we could see the reason for this was a herd of cows which had escaped from a nearby field.  I called 999 and left the details with the police as cattle herders weren't listed as one of the emergency services.  Benita decided that something needed to be done immediately as the cows were galloping southwards. So before I knew it, I was running down the road while behind me Benita was shouting at me to stay on the side of the truck so they couldn't see me.  She was also trying to shout at cars and vans ahead to park across the road to block them going any further, and eventually one did. 
We managed to get behind them and, following Benita's lead, I started shouting "mush mush" in an effort to get them back. 

Meanwhile a woman had got out of her truck and was making her own attempts at musshing them along, unfortunately in the opposite direction, "Oi Missess, Stop!" shouted Benita, who by now was in fully in the role of chief herder. 

We found a large garden and tried to get them in there, out of the way. Unfortunately there was a cattle grid blocking the cows at the front from going any further, although that didn't stop the ones at the back pushing.   Some how one of the cows managed to get in the garden and was crying to his friends as we managed to get them back down the road. 

By now they were panicking.  They did this by running around, making strange noises and shitting everywhere.  In the confusion I tried to mush the heard along although by this point, some had ended up in nearby fields, some had started to double back and some were almost falling down a ditch.  I felt more in control, moving what was left of the herd back, when Benita shouted to me "Slow them down" How the hell was I supposed to do that? I looked behind me and saw I was surrounded.  While all this was going on the jam of unmoving cars grew larger.  No one getting out, just watching and laughing at this guy in a suit mushing cattle down the A6. 

Eventually the farmer drove up on a quad bike, and then drove past to collect the stragglers.  So I continued to move them along to the turn in the road where I met a confused policeman who had blocked one end of the road with his car, and decided the best thing he could do was stay with the car "I'm making sure none of them go towards the motorway".

As they all got mushed into the field, Benita and I let the farmers take over as we got back into the car and rode off into the sunset, considering a new career as rustlers.