Yoga, S&M, and Art

Morning comes late my nights have switched back to music mode meaning I get to sleep at 3 or 4 in the morning. Yesterday at yoga my teacher pushed me, I was having a hard time, it was hot, I felt weak, something I ate was still alive. When doing a double pigeon he came and pushed me all the way down into the floor, I felt my lower back come alive, hurting pounding I kept breathing, sometimes yoga reminds me of S&M. Moments of pain followed by relaxation and rest, the extremes expand the mind for it is usually only the mind that prevents me from doing any of my yoga postures deeper or more intensely. Just as it was my mind that has a child had me frightened of pain, until I decided to overcome it through taking it to an extreme. Now if I feel pain in my body I know it will pass be it because I sliced my finger or I burned my neck or I pulled a muscle, I see pain as part of life at least in a physical sense, and I know chances are given enough rest proper water and food my body will stop hurting grow new skin and heal for the body is utterly amazing in that department.

Its the mind that builds prisons, its the perspective that puts me behind bars, the bars aren't really there, unless I build them with my mind. I have challenged the metal bars a few times, chances are much of it has to do with being taught I had to follow lots of rules in order to be good, for just the notion of having to conform to a life that seems to go against nature and natures desires was extremely conflicting. The first time I decided to attempt to melt the bars I took lots and lots of drugs, mainly mind altering ones, the ones that can reprogram your brain by expanding your perspective so much its like being in another world. Then I took it further to the line between life and death, between insanity and sanity, between feeling and being, and in the end drugs were a trip for me, like traveling the world, like a teacher, then I felt I couldn't learn much more at that time and place and so I stopped. Some of them had caused my body to not feel so great, but I believed bodies were energy and could be healed and so I focused on healing it, fixing my liver, healing my brain etc and rapidly came to a point of feeling well most of the time. Granted I use food as medicine, herbs, plants, are medicine and I tend to know or seek to find out if I don't know which ones are good for healing with problem.

The process melted many bars then I explored the space of pain and pleasure and it melted more bars, then I traveled, expanded, melting more bars , then meditating for days, and now I find yoga useful, for its my mind holding me back, which is why I love it when my teacher pushes me even if it takes them sitting on me or using there physical strength to expand my minds capacity in relation to my body, I realize my mind is powerful and my thoughts affect at least my perspective and reactions and actions to the world. I do believe if I focus on things I can manifest them to a degree. I do not believe if I sit here and imagine a big house it will just happen, just as if I focus on making an album but not actually doing it it wont happen. As an artist I entered the world of art, with a very open mind and was quickly told I had to make everything fit into little boxes, each portion of the industry ( more so 10 years ago) had a box and it had to go into a box to be sold, and if it didn't fit in a box it couldn't be sold. I decided I would be 100 boxes all in different ways, with modeling this lead to me being one of the first who was openly making art, and doing edgier work as well as the typical fashion and agency work. At the time the internet was not filled with art models, traveling models, touring models, at the time, not many were expanding into the multiple worlds and at the time it was a bit counter cultural. But as a good model without bars, I felt only my mind held me back and or only other peoples minds and so I did lots of work to breakdown bars. Now days I see thousands of models doing the same thing, granted models have been doing it for years but less openly, In america nudity causes such a response still ( its getting better ) but as a model nudity was part of the art and part of the creation.

At this phase I have chosen to focus my work into the worlds which I enjoy admire and feel the best in, some is fashion I work with designers often and love working with people who are younger and newer, I have a good face for beauty so I do lots of that. I adore corsets and love some of the more classic inspired pin up and glamour bent a bit towards helmut newton styled. I love fine art and in fact have been starting my own collection of fine art and artistic nudes, I love bringing a place, idea, emotion to life, and as a model I am doing better then ever. Granted at this point I still can pass for 19 but have more then a decade of being in front of a camera, in many forms and fashions so I feel comfortable and confidant in my body and with my work. I love working with people traveling making art and meeting people. I don't think I will retire till I can't work and I have learned you can just keep morphing.

Music I started with classical was trained and wrote classical, then made experimental electronic, then made more down-tempo electronic, then made Neverland which is industrial, electronica, hybrid stuff, then got lots of attention and decided to work on something till I was really happy with it. As things go its not one album it will be 4 and maybe 5-6 in the next year or so, after that I hope to make one or two every year or so till I die. I can't stop making music when I do my mind just implodes, but I am also not good at just making music for other people, so with the work I am working on and working ..ing I am going to put it out there, and push it, and see what happens. Its more important for me to make it, and put it out then it is for me to be rich, if it makes me rich cool, if not I will manage, I mean I know how to live off next to nothing if needed, I have many skills, I am not worried. Those working on the music with me, all believe in it, and believe it will do well in its own worlds. I feel a bit like an army though having to protect a child till its old enough to be set free into the world. Which is why no demos have been posted, no roughs, its being kept downlow till its done. Some have heard it those working on it, but I haven't even played it for my friends in AR or management because I want it to be as finished as I can bring it. I am happy with the musicians who have been working on it, with us, I love them all they are all very fun people and its been a very positive experience. As much as I want it done yesterday I am trying to not kill myself realizing sometimes things have to take me away from it like modeling, acting, illness, or taking care of myself. I realize I can only give what I have, I can only channel what I am open to and if I kill myself nothings coming out.

I am going on tour, I haven't talked much about touring, sometimes its very frustrating because I have a voice that even if I project it can't be as loud as music thats already been pushed and mastered out, sometimes I stand on stage and know people can't hear me, thats really hard. Sometimes they can and when they can its magic and when they can't I feel like I am back in yoga in one of those really painful poses, knowing it will end but hoping it ends sooner then later. Sometimes the person running sound isn't paying attention, and they miss me and don't patch me in or pull me up or pull them down to pull me up, sometimes something changes between soundcheck and the show and I get feedback, but when people can hear me its always pretty good. A singer without a voice is kinda like a dancer without legs, I am performing with another band, I am part of it, it isn't my band, I did write the songs and some of the music of the songs I am on, when it works its magic, when it doesn't sometimes I find myself escaping the venue as quickly as possible so if I end up crying I don't cause a seen. Granted its because my soul is in those songs and when I perform them with others they may or may not care as much as I do, just like whoever is running the sound, if they care it always at least feels better if not sometimes I just feel like I am doing all I can but we all have to work together and if one person isn't the music suffers...

I get a very positive response, from men and women, more so of course when I am heard, which is very helpful, and even when they can't hear me they just tell me because it seems they want to... In other projects like Liberation Movement and my Solo project we won't have that problem because if I am the anchor rather then just one of them I know it is vital and so it won't happen there, and I am trying to take it in stride with HDC, for I love what they do, and I love being a part of it, its just its a loud, very masculine band and here I am the little girl, with the delicate voice, and so its a bit of two worlds colliding and so sometimes its hard for me to be heard. I used to dress down but then I decided I was going to wear what I want and so I am trying to collect as much feminine beautiful sexy but still sleek and edgy clothing for stage gear, I want to break out the latex but need pieces I can both breathe in and look good, I have been breaking out the corsets and leggings and thats been working, but I still need more... If I am going to be the only girl, I am going to be a girl, and all the way, I am going to embrace the fact I like makeup, I like dressing up, I like sexy clothing, I like being a women, and I am doing it for me... and so my image keeps expanding, at first I tried to blend in but thats not possible, so now I am not trying to be a wallflower, on stage with my energy or my voice.

I'll admit it I struggle sometimes letting it all out, I grew up in the south, and women weren't exactly taught it was ok to expand there energy, sexuality, voice, or creativity. One of the people in the band has been a very positive influence, actually many of them have, but I feel as artist we should all feel able to express ourselves fully no matter how extreme it is to the outside world. Without artist pushing the boundaries progression would take a much longer time...

I am feeling better today, maybe its the coffee... I have to go rehearse clean and get ready for the tour... more soon I may actually try to write from the road... I lost my camera hence the lack of behind the scenes pictures, actually I left it behind I know where it is its in LA and I am not....


xoxoxo