So tonight was the premiere of the beloved series, Project Runway.  For those of you who know me, this is my favorite show in the whole world and I've been looking forward to this premiere for the better part of a year.  I love this show more than bacon.  THAT'S RIGHT.  MORE than bacon.  So... that said...  I've never been more bored in my life.  I KNOW!  During the fashion show the words that kept going through my head were: "Boring."  "Bleh."  "Seriously?"  "BOOO!" And, "I wonder what her clothes looked like before she had a lobotomy."

As a reality show producer (ahem... "writer"!) I know how hard it is to jam interesting content about SO many people into a short hour.  Especially when you have to introduce everybody, intro the challenge, show the minutia of the challenge, get to the runway show and then show the judging/elimination.  That's like 35 of your 44 minutes right there, leaving very little time for highlighting cat fighting and conflict.  I GET that first hand.  So maybe it wasn't the content as much as it was the designers.  Maybe... THEY ARE BORING DESIGNERS.  And I'm not talking personality here.  In short - their designs were 100% uninspired.

Now, let's stop my budding meow-fest for a second as I'd like to confess something right now:  I can't sew.  I was looking at a pattern for a tote bag today and after I put ointment on my hives, I determined that it would take me a week just to cut out the fabric, much less could I construct said tote in the short time frame the designers get to build an entire outfit from scratch.  So I'll just throw that out there.  I'm letting you know that my glass house looks like Swiss cheese from all the stones I'm casting.  However!  I read up on the pedigrees of these people.  These people are professionals!  I still remember season one when "Not Carson From Queer Eye" (God, what was his name?!  Something Scarlett...) made a dress out of corn husks.  He didn't have the background this season's designers have and he made that husk dress work. 

The designers were given the challenge "SHOW US WHO YOU ARE."  Fab!  What a great challenge!  With no budget constraints, they were given thousands of dollars of beautiful fabrics (from Mood) and had free reign to make ANYTHING they wanted that EXPRESSED who they are as a DESIGNER.  So here's what the 15 designers came up with to introduce themselves to America.  This was the best they could do. 

Sweet P:  "I heart Forever 21!"

Sweet P!  Shame on you!  I think I tried this on the other day and it was $24 which felt overpriced.  This dress doesn't say original designer to me.  It says: "I get my inspiration from discount stores at a mall."  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I want MORE from my beloved Project Runway.  It's like going to Thanksgiving dinner at your parents house and expecting a huge dinner with all the trimmings and instead you get a baloney sandwich.  This dress is that baloney sandwich.

Victorya: "Moving your arms is over-rated!"

The model literally can not move her arms.  You know, cuz that's not that important in life.  Moving your arms.  Michael Kors even told her, "I hope you don't have to hail a cab in that dress."  Again, I don't find this dress particulary interesting.  The metallic flower is okay.  But that's the problem.  It's just "okay."  This whole dress is only "okay."  Which is not okay.  Sigh.  Another baloney sandwich.  Here are a few more baloney sandwiches...

Kit aka"Pistol" - "Deep inside, I'm a Scottish crossing guard!"

Marion: "I don't believe in finishing hems and waists are over-rated!"

Ricky:  "Eh, I showed up."

Steven: "I'd really like to be Laura from last season, but I can't... so I'll settle for an  uncomfortable librarian look."

Kevin: "I like girls!  I REALLY  DO!"

Okay, this dress doesn't say that, but he made sure that was clear.  He's the only straight guy here.  Whoopee.  But if I had to title this dress it would be, "I'm a Ren Faire Slut-Wanna-Be!  Huzzah!" 

Jillian: "I'm a little boring, but bright!  B words!"

All one fabric.  All one color.  Zzzzzz.  The dress is cute, and it has pockets (which I'm a HUGE fan of!) but seriously.  SERIOUSLY.  She looks like a spokesperson that's about to lecture me about the merits of Vitamin C and how to avoid getting scurvy.  Baloney sandwich on white bread. 

Jack:  "I love Ann Taylor Loft!"

I would wear this dress.  This is the ONLY outfit out of ALL of these that I would wear.  It looks very much like something I've seen at Ann Taylor Loft (do I spend a lot of time at malls!?) but, it's wearable and pretty and constructed well with a splash of detail in the piping and sash.  Well done!  It's at least a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with a small side of stuffing.

Elisa: "I have brain problems."

COMPLETE DISASTER.  What you can't see is the 10 foot train of fabric that got TANGLED up on the model's feet as she walked the catwalk.  Unacceptable.  And yet... she didn't get sent home!  And I think it's because Elisa is quite the character.  So I'm guessing, she was kept because reality show producers (writers!) know that she's a freakin' jackpot.  She said her dress was a "haiku of a cut."  Yeah.  I'd keep her too.  I'm marking her as the "bat shit crazy" one in the bunch.  Spam sandwich on white bread with a smack to the head for not cleaning your room.  BOOO!

Christian:  "Does anybody have some Static Guard?"

The judges looooooved this skirt.  I think it looks like there's a static electricity storm going on in this girl's choo-choo.  BUT, I love Christian.  He's fabulous.  He's going to be the "go to" for good catty soundbites.  He also had the quote of the night when he revealed that he sleeps on the floor at home because he doesn't own a bed.  When asked why he said, "I'd rather buy clothes than a bed."  Brilliant!

Chris: "I can be elegant and boring at the same time!"

Boring but elegant.  The colors are pretty.  But after awhile, she just looked like a big eggplant that has on a halter top.  Hmmm.

Carmen: "I'm a genie in a bottle!"

WHY!?  WHY CARMEN?!  Why the genie?  That's who you are?  A genie?  Yeah?  Really?  If this is your style, I hope you came with 3 wishes cuz you're going to need them.

And now for the winner of the night...

Rami: "I'm not Santino.  No really, I'm not."

The draping reminded me of Santino's creations.  And I have to say this dress looked better on the mannequin than it does this model.  But again it's all one fabric (they had TONS of fabrics to choose from - with NO budget!!), it's all one color and I've seen Santino do this but better.  Zzzz.

And now for the auf'd designer that we'll never get to grow to love and/or hate...

Simone: "I forgot how to sew."

Plain plain plain.  She had to sew the dress ONTO the model cuz she didn't have time to put a zipper in it.  I don't know why.  This dress is super plain.  BUT I have to say, at least she used different colors and it has a jacket.  So it's not just one piece, but two pieces.  I don't think she should have gone home.  But as a producer (writer!) I get it.  Elisa will bring the crazy.  This gal was too normal.

So that's the show.  My blog was just as boring as the show, but hopefully a little shorter.  There wasn't even any good Heidi dubbing to giggle at.  The models are bland and uninteresting.  Even the tease for the season at the end of the show was lukewarm at best. 

It's 2am.  I'm going to bed now to dream about clothes with hems and waistlines.  I'm not giving up on you, Project Runway.  You have 14 more episodes to win me back.  And I know you will.  Right?

Sigh.  I need some bacon.

(For more information about Project Runway, check out www.bravotv.com and rate the runway, read the blogs, meet the designers and see the rejects!  Enjoy!)