Question 1:  How did Nostradamus miss predicting this challenge for Project Runway as a cataclysmic disaster?

Question 2:  When Christian speaks (aka: nasally whines) doesn't he sound like David Spade on SNL when he played one of The Gap Girls w/ Sandler and Farley?

Question 3:  Is football really the only acceptable time to wear Spandex on TV? 

In a nutshell, this episode made me lose water weight.  I was sweating along with all the designers and Tim Gunn (there was moisture on his brow - boyfriend glistens!) and I may have even peed a little when Elisa talked about intimately fitting her male model.  Son of a B that woman is bat shit crazy.

Christian started this episode out with a bang with his pretentious whimper: "After almost being eliminated, I'm not as confident as I was before, but I just know that I make clothes so much better than a lot of the other designers."  Swing... and a miss.  He was humble for about 3.2 seconds, and then he went to Arrogant Town and set up shop again.  BUT, as a reality show writer, I noticed that the second half of the bite had b-roll over it so I wonder if these two sentences REALLY were stated one after another in real reality, not the fake reality of the editing process.  Either way - his character as an elite a-hole is sealed on this show.

The menswear challenge for this week was lame and stupid.  I think this is what happened in that pitch meeting for this episode, "Hey, we need a challenge for episode 3 in like 5 minutes before I have to go to a thing across town.  So let's just do, I don't know... okay, let's do menswear, but let's dress it up somehow so it seems fancier than it really is so nobody will notice how lame this challenge is.  Cuz let's face it, this isn't making a prom dress out of corn husks.  Anybody else think we totally jumped the shark in season one, episode one?  Hmm?  Anyone?  Anyhoo, let's get some Z-list talent from our parent company, NBC, and make the designers dress him.  How 'bout Tiki Barber?  Yeah, all those girls and gay guys will TOTALLY know who he is.  Oh we're so smart!  Let's take the rest of the day off and drink mimosas and make fun of America's Next Top Model."

NOW, again, this season has been touted as the most talented group of designers.  I have to say it out loud in my typing voice:  I'm not seeing it.  I saw designers panicking, sweating, swearing, losing it and ultimately assembling outfits that a 4-H county fair would disqualify.  (I should know, I entered two sewing projects when I was in third and fourth grade.  Nothing to brag about, but at least my tote bag wasn't held together by safety pins and I have two blue ribbons to prove that I at once time touched a sewing machine and didn't break it.)

All this brings me to Question 4:  Have none of the guys in that room EVER made clothes for themselves?  WTF?  Although I did enjoy Chris' comment of: "Pants are just two big sleeves sewn together."  HA!

Okay - now for the only good part of the show.  HALF NAKED MALE MODELS!  Yowza.  Ricky was brave enough to say what we were all thinking, "Take your clothes off."  YEAH!  And then God bless the montage of ass and abs that followed.  So glad I have TiVo.  My VHS would have never withstood the rewinding.

So Elisa, who up to this point hadn't done anything to annoy me other than smile like Meg Ryan from When Harry Met Sally (she's all gums!) wouldn't watch her model undress because: "I have a tendency to be a bit shy.  I have a boyfriend and his is the only person I've fitted on intimately.  He's the only male I chose to touch."  Say what?  ELISA, DO YOU DRY HUMP YOUR MODELS WHEN YOU FIT THEM?  This is the only way your statement can make any sense to me.  Or are you more like Joey's tailor from Friends?  I don't get it.  You're touching his shoulder and hemming a cuff.  If that's intimate to you, but spitting on a garment is just "imbibing energy" then you are crazier than I initially gave you credit for and I apologize for that.  To me you feel one synapse shy of a trip to Supercuts and emerging with a shaved head.  I'm just saying.

I'm gonna skip the part about Tiki's wife, Ginny, coming in for critique cuz she was about as interesting Botoxed oatmeal.  The only good thing to come out of the 4 minutes she was on screen was Christian's declaration of: "In came this faaaaabulous Asian woman who was tan and gorgeous.  I love Asians.  Asians are fierce." 

(And just a quick note - did anybody notice in a quick montage that Elisa did another spit mark on her garment!  I hope she uses Scope.)

Okay - and now onto the WORST runway show I've seen EVER on Project Runway.  Let's start with the folks who got a pass to next week:

Jillian:

Okay, hate the shoes with this outfit, but I'll admit it, THIS was my favorite.  She made 4 pieces and they look finished to me.  The collar is a little disco, but I like the print of the shirt and the outfit fits the model.  I think this should have made the top 3, if not won.  She made the MOST pieces out of all the designers and I think that should have counted for something.  Hmph.

Christian:

BLEH!  Like the pants cuz they are just Gap pants basically, the jacket is interesting but doesn't match the outfit and the shirt is just God-awful.  What is that neck?  It looks totally sloppy and like 3 different looks mish-mashed together.  This just feels like he has no idea what goes together.  This is a complete miss for me.  Just hideous.

Rami:

WHAT?!  This is sooooooooooo boring and sooooooooooo "I'm a tourist" looking.  On the runway the seams in the jacket looked unfinished and cheap.  The pants are okay and I guess the shirt is okay, but he could be wearing a dickie (tee-hee!) under there for all we know.  Lame.  Boring.  THIS IS NOT something I expect to see on a runway.  I expect to see this at JC Penny.  Moving on!

Steven:

Ummm... I look at this guy and think that he's upset that he can't remember where he parked The Mystery Machine.

Victorya:

Again, the shoes, God almighty, those don't match.  But what is this look?  Fancy waiter?  Fantasy Island extra?  I like the cut of the jacket, but I think the colors are all wrong.  Plus if this is for TV talent, white isn't good for TV.  BUT it does look solidly constructed.  But I would like to see Victorya design something that isn't gray or black sometime soon as she's becoming one note to me.

Chris:

You can't see it in this picture but the jacket has a zipper on it and the whole thing looks like a rejected outfit from the band Color Me Badd back in 1995.  If it had been a primary color, it would have been on the lead singer.  WHAT is with the lack of color from these designers?!?  AGH!

Elisa:

Feh.  The color of the shirt reminds me of moss and the vest reminds me of granola.  Oh and the look on the model reminds me of an asshole.  Moving on.

Okay... and now the bottom 2 who were allowed another shot next week:

Ricky:

It was held together by safety pins.  He grossly misjudged what he could do with his time. HOWEVER, there's a lining in this jacket that the model flashed at the end of the runway that was GORGEOUS.  Poor Ricky.  He tried, he failed, but at least he got 3 pieces made.  Sorta.

Sweet P:

Oh man.  This girl made me so nervous this episode.  I do adore her as she seems like a gal I'd love to hang out with.  But WHAT in the name of all that is holy HAPPENED to her shirt?  Had she never made a simple shirt before?  Tiki has a thick neck, but unless his neck is the size of JLo's ass, this neck is too big.  And I enjoyed Michael Kors' comment regarding the tie: "If a guy were 7'3" that'd be a fabulous tie for him." 

And now the top 2...

Kevin:

WHAT THE HELL?  Is this model wearing lipstick?  It's like Goth Wall Street.  I don't get it.  I love how Heidi snidely called it more "David Beckham than Tiki Barber."  She said David Beckham's name as though she were saying "herpes."  He did make 4 pieces, but that shirt is too tight... and really, I can't get past the purple looking lip gloss.

Kit:

BORING.  This jacket is fleece.  While the judges enjoyed this twist on the outfit, I can't think about fleece with out having the Old Navy jingle go through my head from a couple years back when Morgan Fairchild was hardup for cash and kept squawking about Old Navy fleeces 24 hours a day.  AHH!  Okay, maybe I'm alone on this one, but fleece to me does not say classy or runway.  It says, $20 at Old Navy.

And now... the winner:

JACK!

For me, this is a lot of stripes.  You can't see the pinstripe in the pants in this picture, but on the runway it was A LOT of stripes.  I do very much love the detail in the shirt.  Love it.  And I like that he made 2 pieces very well.  It paid for him to deconstruct his own pants and use them as a pattern.  Boyfriend has immunity next week!

And now... for our designer who was auf'd:

Carmen:

She didn't have time to make the shirt so she just draped fabric on her model.  Honestly, this looks like an outfit for Cameron from Ferris Bueller.  It's just 100% wrong on every level.  She admitted though that this was a miss.  So she's not crazy in thinking that this was a genius piece of art that she sent down the runway.  You could see it in her face, she felt awful and I felt bad for her when she was cut as I don't think this challenge was all that fair and again, it made everybody look a little incapable.

PHEW!  I was chatty!  I had a lot to say!  Stay tuned next week for TWO Project Runway blogs as I'm going to see the gang at Paley on Tuesday, December 4th in LA.  I will report on everything!  Meow!

(As always, go to www.bravotv.com/projectrunway to rate the runway yourself, read blogs and see all the other extras they have up!)