Hello Top Chefers!  Before we dive into last week’s episode, we must address the most important part of this week’s show.  No, not how many do-rags and fedoras Spike owns.  No, not discussing why Nikki wears blue lenses in her glasses and how it looks like she’s trying too hard to be cool.  No, not trying to figure out which producer hates Erik and basically cut him out of this show.  And NO, not wondering why Jennifer and Zoi wear identical shoes (CLOGS!  UGLY BLACK CLOGS!!) but have no idea which shoe goes with which foot.  (Last I checked, the SIZE is printed INSIDE the shoe!  LOOK INSIDE THE SHOE!  Seriously.  You’re a chef, if you can’t understand your shoes, I don’t want to eat your food.  BAH!)

Ahem... I present...  THE TOP CHEF CUSS COUNT:

"Fudge!" "Fudging" and "Mother Fudger’s!":  9

"Sugar": 7

"Gosh darn!": 1

The chefs seemed to really curb their potty mouths this week.  Maybe their mothers all called and told them they were embarrassing their respective families.  Or maybe they all found religion.  Or maybe Bravo called and said, "Son of a B, people.  Clean it the fudge up, gosh darn it!  I don’t want that kind of sugar polluting my network!  Jeffrey H. Cripes.  Fudge me.  Do we have to do all the fudging thinking around this fudging place?!"

Top Chef opened this week with Stephanie and some girl (I didn’t bother to note it - oops!) recapping last weeks episode in what’s supposed to look like "causal workout conversation."  But they were working out the same way I watch FOX News:  with very little enthusiasm, no commitment, and yet in a complete flop sweat.  They were just going through the motions of this fake and staged scene created by the producers to remind the audience what happened last week.  So gross.  Just have your talk over a box of Dingdongs and some cheap pinot noir.  I’ll believe that before I’ll believe this so-called "exercising."

So during "ball exercises with weights" Stephanie reminds us that she won last week but she knows that she could be out at any time.  (REALLY!?  I had no idea that could happen in a competition!  You could be eliminated? WOW!  You are SO smart, Stephanie!  No wonder you won.)  So now that the audience is up to speed on Stephanie and her calves, it’s time to move onto the Quickfire Challenge.  But before we get to that, I’d like to say, the Quickfire Challenges bugs me.  I don’t learn anything about food or recipes nor do I get to know the chefs better.  It just seems like a way to stretch this show out into an hour instead of making it a half hour... which by the way, I’d be fine with.

They are given $25 and 30 minutes at the Farmer’s Market.  They have to make a dish in an hour that has only 5 ingredients total, but not counting oils, salt, pepper and sugar.  The chefs are off in a montage that shows Spike sitting and enjoying the surroundings of the market and Mark running around like someone cut his mutton chops off and are holding them for ransom.  He’s so freaked out that he purchases some food I can’t pronounce, spell or claim to have ever heard of and then promptly leaves it at the station he bought it at.  Smooooth.  I love how the booth workers look at each other and neither makes a move to call out to him that he’s left his bag.  Ah, true American spirit (read: "apathy") is alive and well in Chicago. 

Back at the kitchen, the chefs are introduced to their guest judge from NY (aren’t they in CHICAGO!?), Wylie Dufresne from WD50.  Dude doesn’t look like a chef, he looks like a D&D nerd who still lives in his parent’s basement and listens to Rush on an old 8-track.  Like Richard, he’s a molecular something-or-another.  It sounds like "molecular astronomist" but that sounds wrong to me.  That’s not right, is it?  Either way, they’re both big nerds but Richard has better hair and looks like he at least lives on the main floor with his parents.

The Quickfire Challenge is judged quickly and Andrew is immediately disqualified for not realizing that balsamic vinegar is neither salt, pepper, sugar or oil.  Mark wins despite the fact that he left an ingredient behind.  (I think that Wylie just had a crush on Mark as he complimented his sideburns while sampling his dish.  Kinky.)  Mark therefore has immunity in the main challenge which is the only point to that 20 minutes of the show.  ONLY POINT.  (I’d like to also note that Valerie was one of Wylie’s top choices for this round.  Put that in your back pocket until later.  Okay, so it wasn’t the only point.  Tough sugar, people!  It’s my blog!)

So now it’s time to move onto the main challenge for the show.  They all pick knives which each have one of the following words "Vulture," "Bear," "Lion," "Penguin," and "Gorilla" printed on them.  Padma tells them that they will be catering a staff party for the Lincoln Park Zoo.  The event is a cocktail party for 200 people.  The chefs will have $500 and 3 hours to cook. 

The teams break down in the following:

Vulture:  Manuel (who!?), Zoi (I HATE this spelling of Zoey!) and Mark (Mr. Immunity)

Bear:  Dale (donkey), Nikki (bossy donkey) and Spike (lid-wearing donkey)

Lion:  Ryan (kinda hot), Richard (tool) and Erik (who wasn’t even important enough to be seen pulling out a knife to show what team he’s on - who’d he peeve off?)

Penguin:  Andrew (spaz), Jennifer (still has better hair than Richard) and Lisa (who?!)

Gorilla:  Valerie (too nice which means she’s dead meat), Stephanie (she won last week!  Just ask her while she’s doing pilates!  She’s happy to talk about it!) and Antonia (was she the other "exercising" girl?)

The twist on the challenge is that they have to make menus based on the foods each of their animal eats.  (BOO!  I wanted to see braised bear!  Vulture kabobs!  BOOO!)  Basically, it all breaks down into fish, meat and vegetables.  Mark comments that his diet is similar to a vulture which is rabbit, small fish, chicken and lamb.  Between that comment and his sideburns, he just keeps getting sexier, doesn’t he? 

Oh gosh dip it, this episode is never ending.  We’re barely half way through and not much has happened yet!

As the chefs cook their Zoo Meals (don’t you wish McDonald’s served THOSE?), Tom comes through and offers nothing.  Seriously NOTHING. This man is no Tim Gunn.  Tim had opinions.  Things to say.  Criticism and witty snarks.  Dandy-isms and midnight confessions!  I don’t really know what Tom was there to do other than kill a few minutes in the show.  He was wearing his chef coat but didn’t do anything chef like.  Basically, he said, "Hi, you cooking?"  The team said, "Yep," and he said, "Good."  How’s that good television?  I want to hear him criticize their food choices!  I want to see him taste it and spit it out!  Compare their food to swill!  Tell them they will never cook in this town again!  SOMETHING!  What is his point!? 

Oh jeepers.  Still not over.  F.

They (finally) get to the event and the dishes worth noting are the following:

Bear’s Stuffed Mushrooms... aka: The Turds:

(BTW - thanks to Quinn for grabbing the images!  WOOO!  Gold star!)

Basically, the complaint was it looked like a turd.  Apparently, it tasted not much better than one too. So Dale put cheese all over it to make it look better.  (BTW, the mushroom’s stuffing is made out of BLUEBERRIES, so I’m not sure why "cheese" was the first thing to pop into Dale’s brain unless he has a personal problem that I hope is never divulged during "exercising.")  Then nobody on the team tried them to see if they tasted okay.  Yeah.  You can see where that is going.

Gorilla’s Blini’s and Crab Salad:

(I’m not sure which pic is the crab salad.  That’s how unclear parts of this show were...)

So the blini (according to one patron) tasted like dirt.  Apparently, you should make them fresh, not 3 hours before hand.  I have no idea.  Apparently neither does sweet and kind Valerie.  And BTW, a blini to me sounds like a magician who’s not good enough to get a show on the main strip in Vegas.  He’s still doing kids’ parties, drinking until dawn and driving a Gremlin.  I never thought, "Oh, an olive pancake."  I wish this show explained dishes a little bit better for people like me who thinks making cinnamon toast is a complex process.

Stephanie tried to make a chip for her salad to sit upon.  Sadly, they were not crisp and then she mixed her salad too early and it was wet and limp.  The judges are not impressed.

The judges, however, are thrilled to bits with Andrew.  He’s on Team Penguin and he made a "glacier":

It basically looks like the kind of snow I wasn’t allowed to eat (with good reason!) as a child. It’s made out of yozu (a Korean fruit, you know, something all Penguins have access to) and mint (another Penguin staple).  Sorry, looks like pee snow to me.  He also made a squid dish that made Wylie forget all about Mark’s sideburns and declare him the winner of the episode.  EVEN THOUGH HE WAS ELIMINATED in the Quickfire Challenge for not being able to grasp vinegar vs. oils or how to count to 5. 

Gorilla and Bear are on the chopping block.  Dale takes NO responsibility for the mushrooms even though he ruined them. (He said, "I was just putting perfume on a pig at that point.")  To say it plainly:  Dale is not a team player.  He even stated this fact earlier in the show.  He tells Nikki it was all her fault, but Tom points out he put the cheese on them and then didn’t taste them.  Dale sees no issue with this.  I really hate him.

In the end, Valerie and her non-magical blinis are sent home.  (I think it’s so nice they send them home with their knives.  Convenient for the obvious suicide attempts.)  In my opinion, Dale should have been sent home for the following reasons:

1.)  Valerie did well in the Quickfire Challenge.  If this is going to be part of the show, MAKE IT COUNT.

2.)  He ruined the mushroom tops.  Granted, they indeed looked like bear poops, and it’s literally hard to "polish a turd," but at least try that turd after you polish it. 

3.)  Dale deserves bad things in life.  He’s a self-serving jerk who... ooooh right.  Makes good television.  Right.  Never mind.  Dale will probably be in the finale and probably will win.

So that’s this week’s episode.  Sorry it took so long.  But honestly, this episode left me luke warm.  Kinda dull, yes?  But I’m excited for next week as it looks like Andrew goes bat-sugar-crazy.  I can’t fudging wait!