Project Runway equals delicious!
But this season is suspicious.
The talent seems low.
Is one on blow?
I hate the word 'girl-icious'!

We in the television industry have the phrase "jumped the shark" from Happy Days.  This phrase originates from a later episode where The Fonz literally jumps over a shark on water skis.  The phrase has come to (very loosely) mean, "Your series is over, you have nothing left and have resorted to a man in a leather jacket jumping over a shark.  Schmuck!"  (I've also heard that after the DREADFUL Indiana Jones IV, that "nuked the fridge" is the new turn of phrase with the kids these days.)  And it saddens me to say, but I do believe that if one were to describe this season of Project Runway in a nutshell, it would be: "Project Runway has fierced the runway."

After the antics and "hot mess" action from Christian last season (and the large personalities of some of the designers from pervious seasons) we viewers really want designers we can sink our teeth into.  Especially right off the bat as it's what keeps us coming back for more (and will help us follow you to Lifetime, Television For People With Low Self Esteem!).  But with Bravo's secret campaign to keep the designers identities from the public until the day before the show premieres, I have nobody to latch onto.  I have nobody to root for.  I have no pre-determined faves and jerks.  I just have 16 faces (with names I'm struggling to memorize) staring at me during soundbites.  (And hello!  Where's JACK?!  I'm so sad he didn't come back.  Angry fists!)

In short:  Not happy, Bravo.  Not happy at all. 

So let's meet these (doomed) designers! (Who according to one article have left Tim Gunn "drained."  Yikes, anybody??)

First up:  JERELL 

Hoooo boy.  What is that outfit?  It looks like craft time with one of Grandpa's old sweaters.  This doesn't bode well in my (humble yet loud) opinion.

Jerell tells us that he used to be a model and since he couldn't afford the clothes, he made them.  He also claims that he designs clothing currently for a very select group of people, ranging from celebs to Saudi royalty.  (Now I understand were Sienna Miller is getting all her fashion disasters from...?)

BLAYNE:

Blayne is this season's "wanna-be-hot-tranny-mess."  Like Christian, he has a plethora of catch-phrases.  His to be exact are, "Sup, holla!" and "Holla atcha boy!" (which was popular in 2003, NOT 2008!) and his over-used, "Girlicious."  Oh, and he has one more:  A very enthusiastic nose sniff.  (Post nasal drip?  Allergies?  Blow?  Get a neti pot!!)

Blayne claims to be into urban wear and street gear.  (Pepper spray?  Mace?  Walking sticks?) He also likes walks in the rain as long as that rain is in the form of "Hot Bronze" from a tanning salon spray gun.  This guy's obsession with tanning is full tilt.  In fact, he makes George Hamilton look like a newborn.  Bacon look like raw slabs of meat.  Nuclear fall-out seem like a soft breeze on a spring eve.

I want to like him because he's wearing a hoodie.  But I can't like him cuz he's a d-bag to the highest degree.  So I will enjoy rooting against this vocabulary-challenged fellow.  What is up? Yell loudly at your female!

JOE:

Joe is from Detroit and has two daughters who are 5 and 9.  He wants to show his daughters by being on this show that they can be anybody they want in life.

And that's all I know about Joe because the producers gave his intro a mere 20 seconds (or so) while others (BLAYNE) got a larger amount of time.  So either A) Joe is boring and being kicked off soon or B) Joe is just getting kicked off soon in general or C) He's straight - who let him in here?!

STELLA:

Stella (aka Elvira in my book)  is this season's bad-ass rocker chick and doesn't believe in sleeves.  She loves denim and leather and makes clothes for Blondie and Sebastian Bach from the once popular, Skid Row (I own their album!).  She says that the people who were her clothes are "hookers and pimps, or whoever is tough enough."  I have to say, this is the first back-handed compliment I've ever heard a person genuinely give them self.

JENNIFER:

First of all, what a GREAT NAME.   Seriously.

Second, she seems like the most normal out of all of them.  She resides in a little village outside of Florence, Italy, (must be nice!) and describes style as "Holly Golightly goes to a Salvador Dali exhibit."  Ummm...  What a great name, folks! Let's hear it for Jennifer!

KELLI:

That looks like a lot of fresh ink... everywhere.  I'm not sure I get the "in my spare time, I paint walls" look.  She describes her style as: "If Vivian Westwood and Betsy Johnson had a baby, it would be me."  Which I can't comment on because the visual in my head is crying.

TERRI:

I look at this pic and think, "Girlfriend needs to shave her legs."  Terri describes her style as: "If Aerosmith was to meet Lauren Hill meets Michael Jackson."  WHAT?  Too many variables in this.  70's Aerosmith or geriatric Aerosmith?  "Sister Act" Lauren Hill or Fuggies Lauren Hill?  And which nose are you talking about with Michael Jackson?  Terri, clean this pitch up.  Go think about it while you Nair your pants.

JERRY:

His stance says: "I'm confident," but his eyes say, "I just shit my pants."  Jerry claims to be doing very well as a designer and that he's on the forefront of being a big name in the industry.  Yeeeeah.  Over confidence in an intro never bodes well.

I feel bad for this guy.  He seems socially awkward and out of his element, unlike this next ass-clown:

SUEDE:

This guy (not to be confused with his siblings, Lycra, Mesh and the Siamese twins Poly/Cotton Blend) has designed for Polo, Todd Oldham and Jordache.  And he's done making millions for others and "decided that Suede needed to make money for Suede."  Oh how I love people who talk in the third person!  I also love people who wear bedazzled sleeveless denim jackets with their NAME on the back!  Suede is super-klassie!

KEITH:

Keith was self taught in the world of fashion.  He also wears glasses and has a tattoo.  He appears to be male.  That's all I know about him.  Yeah.  Lame, Project Runway, producers.  LAME.

KORTO:

This gal is from Liberia and now lives in Little Rock.  She has been in many magazines in Little Rock.  (OKAY - who the F segment produced these people???  That's it?  Magazines?? That's all you got as a good soundbite?  DAMMIT.  Bring back the casting special!  JEEBUS!)

LEANNE:

She has her own line called "LeeAnimal."  (Sure?)  And proclaims her fashion is, "Way out in left field, from Portland, Oregon."  Honey.  Portland is not left field.  Kazakhstan is left field.  Portland is a tourist destination.

Leanne goes on to describe herself as a Silent Fashion Assassin.  OOOOoooOOOoooOO!  I hope that pays off and it's not just her running her left field Portland mouth.

(GOD, aren't we done yet with these people...?)

EMILY:

(SIDE NOTE:  I hate these shoes.  HATE.  It's like leg warmers meet ACE bandages in Payless pleather.  BOOO!)

Guess what soundbite the ace producer got for this lady: "I came to do a job."  GREAT!  I know so much about you.  (GRR!)

DANIEL:

His bio video shows him with a gaggle of birds in his apartment.  Okay, that's a little freaky, but at least it's a detail into your life.  Daniel says that he would have been a zoologist had he not been a designer.  (I wonder if the animal his boots are made out of is at all endangered...)

WESLEY:

Wesley?  Did you grow over night?  A late growth spurt, perhaps?  Or did you mess up the dryer setting when you shrunk your pants.  Wesley, THAT LOOK IS NOT GOOD.  (And it's a little sad.  Tight pants that equal tiny package... that's a fashion no-no.)

This guy looks like a deranged Jehovah's Witness.  Or (due to the odd fitting short shorts he showed up to the apartments in) a deranged bike messenger.

Oh and I know nothing else about him (other than he worked for Marc Jacobs for 1 whole year).  All i know is that he has no idea what his inseam truly is.

And last... KENLEY:

She's like a rockabilly, pin-up girl.  She has a definite look and it really fits her well, I think.  She says she has a loud aesthetic and likes to mix prints.  Wooo.

OKAY - now for the show:

After all 16 of these (insipid) people arrive at the Atlas apartments, they saunter up to the roof to meet Sir Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum.  Both Heidi and Tim look rested and ready for a new season.  Tim Gunn tells them: "You are the most diverse group of designers we've ever had on Project Runway."  (And while he says this, the camera is on a white girl.  Swift.) 

They party on the roof and start it off with Tim popping a champagne cork that flies off the building and probably kills a cabbie in mid-town.  (Tim Gunn, on the roof, with a champagne cork!  It's the new Clue!)  All the designers talk and Kenley busts Blayne about his tan.  Blayne says: "I'm happy and tan!"  Poor Blayne.  He's truly the walking example of "Ignorance is bliss" isn't he?

The next day, the designers are roused at 4am by Tim Gunn.  Jennifer answers the door in her towel and wishes she had brushed her teeth.  (Someone has told her that he's not on her team, right??)  The designers go on a walk with Tim Gunn (and the walk is peppered with "Where are we going?" soundbites which are annoying as hell cuz duh!  We know you don't know!  THAT you don't have to tell us!) and arrive at Gristedes, the grocery store from the challenge in Season 1, Episode 1.  Also at Gristedes is the ever glam, Austin Scarlett.  He floats across the street in a cloud of fabulous and joins the group on the street.

(I never thought I'd say this, but next to Austin, Gunn looks butch...)

Austin tells the designers that they need to create a look using items purchased from the grocery store.  He explains to them that when he won this challenge in Season 1, it was because he took a risk and made his dress out of corn husks.  He STRESSES that it was his innovation that got him recognized and therefore helped launch his career.  As a viewer, I hear what he's saying: "Don't grab a tablecloth, yo!"  But the designers here, "Tablecloths, aisle 5!"   Sigh...

The designers are given $75 to shop with and a half hour.  They then go to Parsons and have until midnight to create their look.  Tim Gunn lets the designers know that the models have been ASSIGNED TO THEM. (Hooray!! No model kickball!! WOOO!)  They show a models card and because I have TiVo, I freeze on it.  Here's what it said:

Height:  5'9.5"
Dress size: 4
Shoe size: 9.5
Bust:  33
Waist: 25 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Hip: 36

25 inch waist???  Maybe when I was in fourth grade.  Grrr...

And with that Tim Gunn leaves the designers and boredom ensues...

Stella feels up her dress form and says, "This is a nice fit."  Snooze.  Suede then gives a CRAZY soundbite about how this challenge is "wackadoodle."  You said it, Suede!  If wackadoodle means, "Man the producers are lazy this year and are just repurposing old challenges!" then right on! 

Joe talks about working with pasta on his garment and Kelli is busy dying and bleaching vacuum cleaner bags.  She claims, "It's gonna be a pretty ugly dress for sure.  Pretty ugly in a great way."  Too much bleach inhalation, Kelli?

Meanwhile, Daniel is ironing out plastic cups and Blayne keeps muttering, "Girlicious" to himself. 

Leanne is working with her table cloth and says in a soundbite: "A lot of people have table clothes.  This worries me.  I wanted to be different."  Ummm.  Then make a dress out of a pineapple.  A hat out of Mr. Clean.  Or a jacket out of carrot skins.  The fact that she thought that grabbing a table cloth was clever and unique worries me a little.  I think our Fashion Assassin may shoot herself in her own foot.

Jerry is standing back and enjoying his shower curtain and table cloth rain coat and summer dress.  He says of the few designers who are actually using innovative items, "That's all stuff I throw in the trash." 

On the other side of the room, Stella realizes that the GENERIC trash bags she bought have the consistency of Blayne's brain.  Thin, weak and transparent.  She complains that she's screwed and all I can think is, "What did you spend your other $70 bucks on?  Did you buy $75 of generic trash bags???  Are you HIGH?!"  And how do you not CHECK your item before you buy it??  I'm so confused!

At this point, Tim Gunn comes in (YAY!) to ridicule the designers so I don't have to.  He starts with Blayne who at this point looks like he's making a black mesh onesie with, literally, a diaper.

Blayne: "I'd like to introduce you to Girlicious.  I don't want to make just another dress."
Tim Gunn: "And you haven't.  I'm not bored."
Blayne: "Holla atcha boy, Tim."
Tim Gunn: "Alright.  Thank you, Blayne." 

HAHAHHAAA!  Awesome.  I love when Gunn has no idea what's going on.  He's so proper and so out of his element around Blayne.  I do enjoy that aspect of the show. 

Tim moves over to Daniel and assures him he has a "wow factor" going with the blue cup dress.  He also assures Kelli that her vacuum bags are stunning.  (Is that code for something else...?)

When he gets to Stella he pauses.  She's made NOTHING.  She's just been bitching about her trash bags all this time and hasn't made a thing.  Tim tells her, "Those judges don't want to see a black garbage bag walk down that runway.  MAKE IT WORK."  Stella swallows her pride (and puke) and continues on.

At this point, Tim Gunn saunters over to Suede's table cloth creation that has a belt wrapped around it (does Gristedes even sell belts??).  Suede says that without the belt, it's just a table cloth.  To which Tim snaps, "YEAH,  You should worry it's just a table cloth!"

Tim swings by Korto who is making a dress out of a bright yellow table cloth.  She explains that she's going to use veggies as broaches and Tim seems satisfied even though "that's a whole lot of table cloth."

Jerry tries to soften the blow for Tim, "Good news, it's a shower curtain.  Bad news, it's a table cloth."  Tim counters with, "Well... I put them in the same category."  Jerry goes on to look like he shits his pants again and says: "I wish I was a little more innovative with what they had to offer."  Tim replies bluntly: "You definitely need a wow factor."

Next up, Keith.  (WHO!??)  Tim sees he's using a table cloth too and at this point, Tim Gunn throws an appropriate hissy fit.  He turns to the designers and says, (re: table cloths): "I didn't realize how much of this material was in this room. I just have to say, everybody, I'm seeing a lot of table cloths around here.  The reason we took you to Gristedes was to use materials that were untraditional and unexpected.  And a table cloth, that is a form of fabric.  I just think this judges are gonna say, 'You guys are a bunch of slackers.'" 

Go Tim Gunn!  It's your birthday!  Go Gunn!  YEAH!  Tim Gunn is still the most solid part of this show and he showed it right here.  He read them the riot act, and deservedly so.  TIM GUNN IS THE MAN!

Keith (WHO AGAIN!?) puts his tail between his legs and says, "Thanks, buddy" to Tim as he leaves.  (BUDDY?  I would never call TG "buddy.")  Tim gives his trademark, "Make it work!" and exits.  Probably to go drink a gimlet and cut himself in places where nobody can see and it won't bleed onto his expensive suit.

The designers keep sewing, Blayne keeps holla-ing and Stella states: "If I'm the first eliminated designer, I'll be the biggest jackass in the nation."  TOO LATE.  You bought $75 worth of generic trash bags.  You already won that title.

Finally it's time for the runway!  Stella furiously sews her bags into a "dress" and Blayne struggles to get his "outfit" onto his model.  He whines, "My garment is too tight because she had more curves than knew about!"  Umm... did he not READ his card that clearly states the models measurements?  Is boyfriend illiterate too?  (SNIFF? SNIFF?)

Heidi welcomes everyone to the first runway show of the season and introduces the judges.  Top American Designer, Michael Kors (who's wearing something other than jeans!).  "Editor-At-Large for Elle Magazine," (read: "Fired but had to keep her so here's a bullshit title, make it work!) Nina Garcia and Austin Scarlett who is the creative designer for Kenneth Pool.  (http://kennethpool.com/) 

Let's start the show!

EMILY:

I like this, even if it is a table cloth.  The color is made out of balloons and whatnot.  It's cute!  It's wearable!  It's also safe.  Very safe.  Could have been a bit more innovative with everything there was to choose from at the grocery store.  But at least it's wearable.  (Which not everybody's is...)

JENNIFER:

Papertowels and lipstick kisses as "wow" factor.  Cute.  Love the fit and the cut.  BUUUUT, it's a little safe and boring again.  Where's a good old banana peel corset?  I like the skirt, but the bodice should have been made out of a different element.  Just my opinion. I am after all a blue ribbon holder for 2 sewing project from 4-H back when I was 9.  So, you know, I totally know what I'm talking about.

JERELL:

BOOOO!  I like the grandpa sweater better.  Innovative, but ugly.  Seriously ugly.  She looks like a renegade extra in a Carmen Miranda movie.  It's just too much and not enough at the same time.

JOE: 

PROPS TO JOE FROM DETROIT!  He used pasta on the skirt and oven mitts for a bodice.  YES.  I applaud this.  This skirt is fab.  Excellent use of carbs!  It's on her hips, but she hasn't gained a pound.  A girl's dream skirt!

KENLEY:

Solid effort.  Not my style, but solid effort.  At least it's not a table cloth.  (I believe it's a chair and placemats.  I couldn't write down all the elements, the damn TiVo bar was in front of all the chyrons and I gave up.  Sue me!)

KEITH:  (WHO?!)

He wins "cutest use of a table cloth being made to look like a real outfit" but ultimately loses cuz it's ONLY table cloth.  But tailored very well.  It looks really good on his model.  So I like it whilst hating it at the same time.

LEANNE:

Our Fashion Assassin tried to camouflage her table cloth dress with candy.  I think her model looks like an overstuffed tissue holder.  Not a look I'd want to wear out, especially to a sick ward...

SUEDE:

EEEEECH.  This is made out of table clothes and doggie doody bags.  I say just pitch the whole thing.  This dress is hideous.  His only saving grace is that there are 3 other designers with even uglier outfits.  WOOF.

TERRI:

LOVE THIS.  She made the top out of mop tops.  And the skirt looks like leather!  Very well thought out.  Innovative too (especially in comparison to her fellow picnic loving designers).  I'm sure the skirt is a table cloth too, but I wouldn't know that just looking at it.  So I love it!

WESLEY: (Holy shit, is he still here?  I'd forgotten...)

Not bad.  Yellow table cloth but the rest of it is skoosh balls (spelling??) and flyswatters.  It's a whole lot of yellow and honestly, WHERE ARE THE BANANA PEELS if you're going to do this yellow?  A belt!  Something!

And now for the TOP DESIGNERS:

KORTO:

She was the only one to use veggies.  That was her wow factor and honestly, saved her ass due to the fact that the dress is a table cloth.  Also saving her is that the dress is well made.  For me, it was a close call between her and Terri as to who should have this slot.  I loved Terri's top, but love that Korto actually took the chance with some tomatoes and arugalla.

DANIEL:

This dress is made out of entirely ALL blue cups.  It's an amazing fit on her, even if it looks a little robotic.  My question:  How does one pee in this dress?  It doesn't seem like an easy lift up or down... just saying.

AND THIS WEEK'S WINNER:  KELLI!

She dyed the vacuum cleaner bags herself and used coffee filters on the bodice.  What you can't see is that she made hooks and eyes in the back out of a spiral notebook.  SEE - INNOVATIVE.  She used the whole store and many different items to make her garment.  The hook/eye thing is genius.  Love it!

And now... the bottom three:

BLAYNE:

I.  Don't.  Know.  What.  This.  Is.  And Blayne never bothered to label it other than, you guessed it, "Girlicious."  (It was even written down the side of her leg - seriously!  WTF?!)  Heidi said it looked like a Playboy bunny in a diaper.  Michael Kors said when she came around the corner he thought it was the wrestling challenge all over again.  Blayne left them with: "I didn't want to bore you."  To which Michael and Nina both excl.. "We're not bored!"

Hollah.  The boy's back for another episode.  SNIFF.

STELLA: 

Did she not see Karmen send that top down the runway last season in Robin's Egg blue?  It got her kicked off.  Michael says it's a yawn and Heidi is "not impressed" and even called it, "Butt ugly."  To me, the outfit looks like crazy Borat Chaps.  Just hideous.

But at least she's not the biggest jackass in the nation... that honor goes to...

Our designer who was auf'd...  JERRY:

WHAT THE HELL?   His blatant rip off of "So I Married An Axe Murderer" outfit was not loved by anyone.  The poor model always looked like she was in so much pain by being made to be sooooo ugly.  This "look" was described by the judges and fellow designers as:

* Bridal nurse
* Handi-wipe gone wrong
* American Psycho
* Hospital Plumber

Yeeeeeah.  That's not good.  So Jerry "I shit my pants" Tam is going home.  Thank goodness.  He can get back to his goal of being on the forefront of becoming a big name in fashion.  Yawn.

And now the part of the show that REALLY worries me.  The, "This season on Project Runway" was about as exciting as maple syrup on a cold Vermont morning.  The only thing exciting was Tim Gunn telling Blayne: "It's a pterodactyl out of a gay Jurassic Park," and then exiting the room with a very white, gay and proper: "Holler at your boy!"

I worry.  I really worry.  BUT, I promise to keep an open mind and hope and pray that as the designers get auf'd, the show will get better.  But seriously, when the show goes to Lifetime, can the premiere have a casting special first OR make the whole thing two hours?  1 hour for 16 designers is not enough time to love/hate these people.  (Top Chef at least had a super-sized premiere!)  It's just enough time to forget their names, not get to know anything about them and resolve to not watch the show.  MAKE IT WORK, DAMMIT!

Don't forget to check out www.bravotv.com/project runway for more info, pics and blogs!