love-evolution-revolution

Love style/languaging . . .  I'm starting to realize we all experience/define "feeling loved" differently. For me feeling loved can be about the little day-to-day things, consistency, safety/stability, comfort, thoughtfulness, gentleness, connection. 

For someone else it could be hearing the words "i love you" said aloud . . . the list of possibilities is endless. As of late i've been asking myself, "What's my love style and languaging?"  BUT that's like a whole nother blog post so back to the love-evolution-revolution . . .

In my teens it was infatuation=love (i want you, i want you BAD, i will sneak out of my room, i will deprive myself of sleep, i will move heaven and earth to be in your arms tonight)

In my 20's it was co-dependence=love (you complete me, i can't live without you and all that crap)

In my 30's it was interdependence=fulfilling healthy love (let's co-create an ever-evolving love/relationship together as two whole people sharing their lives with eachother)

In my 40's it was . . (oh, uhm, i'm 35 - so check back in 5 for this one)

Sitting in a room of my Ex's might go something like this . . .

Did she sit you down to have the "boundary talk"?

*group of ex's nods in agreement, answering in unison "yes"*

One Ex shouts "boundary talk?  Hell i got the boundary list, and the revised list and the handbook and the . . ."

Another anonymous Ex asks,

"Did you get the values and morals speech?"

Room full of Ex's answers in unison "yes"

Did she give you one of her special mix tapes/cd's?

"yep"

Then  all of my ex's (back in Texas) reach into their bags and pull out their special mix tapes/cd's comparing and contrasting. "Yep, got the Etherea mix one too, yeah that one's pretty good, still listen to it from time to time.

anonymous Ex, "Yeah my new girlfriend loved Jaeda's Emotional Rewind mix all though she thinks i made that cd just for her but . . ."

another anonymous Ex asks, "Anybody got the Sensualistic mix?"

3 people raise their hands "good times, good times . . .hot . . .hot. . . hot"

Anybody get cool pictures?

anonymous Ex excitedly answers, "YEAH! way-y-y-y- cool artsy stuff - but i like . . . sold them all off on ebay,  they were signed prints so . . ."

another anonymous Ex, replies, "Me too! Me too! But i got the prints framed and THAN sold them on Ebay."

Anybody get the post-break-up, i am a scorned woman poem?

"uh-huh" a sea of hands shoot up into the air . . .

Anybody go through the, "Jaedafication retraining - this is how you kiss"  program? <-----3 Ex's sheepishly raise their hands

Anybody get the, You're getting on my nerves special cola drink? <--a few Ex's nod, one comments, "Yeah, slept real good through the night and my allergies were strangely better the following morning - though walking up outside on the balcony was a bit disorientating"

Oh, I'm shameless!!! But seriously folks . . .

So here i sit in Single City sipping strawberries smoothies and reflecting back on how much i've learned about love, life and myself via my relationships with others.  People can serve as mirrors, reflecting back the things about ourselves that we love and dislike. Offering us a chance to acknowledge both and offering us the chance to change/work on the things we don't like about ourselves.

I've been reflecting back on my dating experience and long-term/serious relationships.  And found myself laughing much of the time as i recall the crazy dating/relationship chaos of my youth - my wacky neurotic (but well-intended) tendencies and patterns.  Oh the stories . . . (Adair don't give my secrets away! *wink*)

Yes . . . when i was younger my relationships were about that soul-to-soul connection . . . you know, that whole, "i want, i think, i feel" level of existence.

In my youth i mistook lust for love, infatuation for love . . . and was sure lust and infatuation were indicators that i was destined to be with the person i was crushing on at that moment in time.  I mistook intense phermonal attraction for a "deep connection". As i got older i realized lust is just lust and when waited out long enough, eventually infatuation will give way to reality . . . and at that point - i can make more rational choices for myself.

I remember dating people who felt things deeply, thinking that made them deep and trying to get to a deeper place with them only to realize there was no place deeper to go.  A lightbulb moment occured when i realized that "feeling deeply and being deep" are not one in the same . . . though someone can have/be both.

I was also drawn to people of whom i shared common interests with, or a creative connection.  Which would lead to a desire to turn those shared things into a relationship WITHOUT factoring in all the other key elements required to sustain a healthy and fulfilling relationship. 

It took me awhile to realize that feeling compelled to love someone didn't mean i should . . . that love was a decision and i shouldn't bow down to feelings of "being in love".   It took me even longer to learn that i shouldn't invest more than i could afford to lose, unless - i wanted to foster an ongoing relationship with bitterness and resentment.

I also had "rescue me" syndrome.  Never mind how lost and messed up i was . . . i was going to save somebody, dag gummit . . . whether they wanted me to or not!  I was very purpose orientated and wanted a relationship to be an ever-evolving, ever-changing, starry-eyed surprise kind of experience.  And i was going to see to it the person i was with felt the same way or else!  LOL

I finally realized love is an "as is" situation, it's acceptance.  I can't go into a relationship loving someone's "potential" and falling in love with a modified/changed version of that person, that i formed in my heart/mind.  I have to truly be able to love, embrace and accept them as they are . . . OR walk away and let go.

At some point in my 20's i decided to consciously make better choices about whom i  (or so i thought) dated/invested in on a long-term serious relationship scale. .  . I stopped making so many feeling-based decisions and started going more on observation, being mindful of things like:

How does this person treat their friends? 

How do they handle stress/manage problems/cope?

How do they speak about the people they've dated previously?

How do they treat their family? 

What do they make a priority in their life? 

Do they respect themselves? 

HOW do they love?

CAN they BE, give and receive love? 

and . . . of course, turning those questions back toward myself. . .

Though this approach had part of me in the relationship and the other part of me sitting on the sidelines, in a white labcoat, wearing professor glasses and analyzing the relationship to death as i carefully took notes and conducted my little experiments.  LOL!

Yet in spite of my ever-evolving efforts . . . i still found myself dating the same person over and over again.  That emotionally unavailable, not-quite-attainable, charming when they are around - neglectful when they're not, troubled, unreliable, inconsistent, irresistably attractive person that preferred to have me remain in stand-by mode.  And the come here-getaway-come here-get away dance would begin. Like i was wearing a t-shirt that said "ignore me it's a turn on!". 

YET . . . if you gave me someone attentive, sweet and loving . . . i just couldn't be bothered - even though those were the very qualities i thought i wanted.  So i decided i had some serious work to do (on myself). . . and would take myself on and off the dating scene, as i collected my data and took everything in . . . wanting to learn and grow from my experiences/relationships, painful as some of them were. 

One day i realized HA-HA! it's not "them" it's YOU!  YOU need to make some internal changes that will invite healthy love (and friends for that matter) into your life.  I had some serious emotional baggage that was weighing me down, preventing me from living in the present and i realized i needed to sort through it and let it go.  In the process i was able to develop my own interests more fully, enjoy time with myself, discover the sanctuary of solitude and learn myself from the inside out.

I'm still a work-in-progress that way, still learning, stumbling and growing.  But i do know that Spirit connection is something i seek to share with someone . . . it's something to be cherished.

Love can be a learning experience in whatever form it takes, be it romance, friendship, love found/lost/found/lost again . . . i look forward to embracing it in all its mysterious shapes and forms.

peace-quirky love-light

JAEDA

Give yourself 3 stars if you made it all the way to the end of this blog post.

Give yourself 5 stars if you made it all the way to the end without doing this,

"what the !%&*!!!"

Blog Archives By Category:

Blog Archives - Newest to Oldest