monochromatic thoughts drifting thru red realms *pics/poetry* - Jaeda DeWalt's MySpace Blog

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Jaeda DeWalt

Last Updated: 12/14/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: In a Relationship
Sign: Pisces

City: SEATTLE
State: Washington
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/10/2006

May 24, 2008 - Saturday

monochromatic thoughts drifting thru red realms *pics/poetry*
Current mood:

moody
Category: Art and Photography

Images and poetry first . . . thoughts to follow

The Red Realm - Part 1 - Self Portrait Series

listen to me recite the red facade

listen to me recite the red lie

listen to me recite the red fall

The Red Realm - Part 2 - Self Portrait Series

listen to me recite my red melancholy

listen to me recite the red stare

listen to me recite the red freeze

listen to me recite the red breeze
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Monochromatic Thoughts Drifting Through Red Realms

I think i am artistically color blind. I usually prefer shooting in black and white because for so long that is how i saw the world, colorless and gray scale. Loving the depth and mystery black and white brings, forcing ones imagination to dig a little deeper . . . reach a little farther.

When i was younger i remember attending exhibits/galleries and mentally converting anything color into black and white. When i started experimenting with color, i found i just didn't desire natural colors or flesh tones. I liked extremes, i liked restricted color, i liked everything to be surreal, ethereal, pristine and dream-like.

I like my images to strike from a distance, to pop from far away, i crave that "ooh-awwwh" factor so that when you see it from a distance you are compelled to come closer, look deeper, curiosity piqued, eyes enchanted . . .

I tend to shy away from intricate, ornate little details. I crave visual simplicity. I don't like eye-stops, i like everything to blend and melt seamlessly. I am not a perfectionist, but rather i want to offer a visually seamless experience, so the eyes just go deeper and deeper into the image, diving into the various layers without being interrupted by unnecessary details. This quest, drives me insane and creates the illusion that i am a perfectionist. As i am constantly revising images as more and more unnecessary details shout at me, begging to be removed, smoothed or blended.

I think this need for visual perfection can read as superficial initially, but i like to draw people into my images first, and then offer up layers of meaning through my words, through my voice and by visually going deeper into the image itself . . . I like to gently and beautifully whisper, "come follow me into my world" . . . my soul on display . . . my heart open for all to see, view, examine and experience. And if people pause, if they read, if they listen, much will be revealed to them, many layers will unravel . . .

PAIN and PTSD
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a curious thing . . .
It amazes me the way it effects the mind and body. I kind of feel like the bionic woman or something *wink*. I've noticed all my senses are turbo-charged . . . with an extreme sensitivity to light and sound. When i experience a trigger my PTSD kicks into high gear - putting me into a kind of, "high alert" mode wherein i struggle for sleep and remain in a kind of hypervigilant state. Because my mind doesn't know the difference between the past and present, it actually relives these traumatic experiences and responds as if they pose a clear and present danger. Strange stuff . . . I haven't figured out how to shut this process down and usually end up waiting it out until the inevitable crash occurs, allowing me to finally sleep and relax. Which brings me to my Red Realm Series . . .

My Red Realm series, part 1 & 2 are survivor related. Initially they weren't intended to be, but i experienced a trigger about 3 weeks ago and that sent me into a downward spiral which changed the direction that i went, with this two part series.

The trigger caught me off guard. I've been living in a safe little universe that i created for myself, a trigger free environment for which to thrive. Over the last couple of years this safe harbor has served me well. I've done a lot of healing, and a lot of work on myself with issues like forgiveness, putting into practice Beauty for Ashes and learning to let myself out of the prison of pain - i locked myself in . . . for far too long.

This trigger taught me that it's never really over, the work is never done. I do the best i can not to stir up old hurts. But every now and then, they will demand i work through them in a new way. I had to face my anger all over again, my memories, the pain and i had to start over again - with the process of forgiveness.

I've been in a mini-hell for the last several weeks as flashbacks and nightmares made their return into my quiet little universe. It felt like i would never come out of the darkness. It's a lonely, isolating feeling, to be in that space, i did not want to surrender to it. But pain can have purpose, pain can be a teacher, pain can exercise our spiritual muscles, teaching us to be more resilient. The pain let me know that i need to pay attention to my emotional self, to sit with my feelings and be in them fully, to stimulate healing.

Often the pain that hurts the deepest is also the pain that leaves the most enduring mark upon the heart/mind/body/soul. The shock that becomes the ache of the heart eventually leads down the path of enlightenment, blessing the Spirit with a new depth and richness.

I'm coming out of that downward spiral and it feels good. Reminding me that my pain is a bittersweet experience because i also get to feel the bliss of relief, as the emotional dust settles.

It's a fulfilling healing and cathartic experience for me, to share my heart with all of you . . . through my art, thoughts and words.

T H A N K Y O U :)

***love and blessings to all of you***

peace and light
JAEDA