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Current mood:  thoughtful Category: Life
Can you believe it... two blogs in one week?! So I had planned on blogging about something entirely different, but I am going to have to take a rain check on that particular topic... because....
I just finished watching Oprah, (another thing I have not done in QUITE a long time) but the one and only beautiful Beyonce was on the show, and I found her to be impressive and graceful in response to many questions asked. She was talking about her new album titled "I am Sasha Fierce". And as I was watching the interview I was really intrigued by this whole concept of giving herself a character or alter ego... for Beyonce, her character is, "Sasha Fierce". Someone she can turn into when it's time to get on stage and perform, or get in front of a camera... almost as if this character gives her strength or confidence to do things she herself would normally feel inadequate to do, or as if this character allows her protect who she really is. As big as a super duper superstar that Beyonce is, always in the spotlight for everyone to see, I can only imagine what it must feel like for it to become normal to have your life on such display, especially after the small dose of that strange reality (or non-reality:) which I experienced this year.
As true as it is, that fame is just part of the job... that appears to many as exciting and glamorous, it certainly is a double-edge sword with many challenges...on one hand you have fans that love and adore you, that support you and help to afford you to be who you are, and look up to you... and then on the other side brings a lack of privacy, misperceptions and rumors, and most of all is a lack of control over how everyone perceives "you". If there was one thing that I had to learn after my very short yet intense experience with idol, it was that you must surrender and realize that you CAN NOT control what the "others" think, and can ONLY control what YOU think about yourself, and be good with the creator. Honestly I have not yet completely mastered this thought, and is in fact much harder than it sounds... especially in a business where success is usually measured by approvals... how many votes you got, how many records you sold, how many friends you have on myspace, where your song is on the charts, ratings and so on. While I like to believe that it's all about the music, there are those bummer moments that I realize I'm in the business of people pleasing... and I ask myself "what if "they" don't like my music?" or ultimately "what if they don't like...me?" and if they don't like me or my music how will I be successful?? (sidenote: I suppose success is subjective:). All in all... yes... it can be a pretty insecure place. So when I heard Beyonce talking about "Sasha Fierce"... I could understand why this could help take away some of the pressure that can be pretty daunting when your really putting yourself out on a limb.
However I don't think this whole concept of "approval" is exclusive only to the entertainment business, (though yes it is highly concentrated) but that insecurity and "need" for approval is just part of everyday life... from the time we are young until we die, although I am hoping with age comes a greater perspective and experience that naturally allows the insecurities to fade away. For goodness sake, just take a look at high school! I'm happy to say that I have made some progress since I was a teenager, hooray! Though I think there are those who are better at disguising their insecurity, I think it's quite human... that everybody hopes to feel... approved of, loved and accepted.
I have not yet gone back to watch "the show"... I mean I have watched bits and pieces, but that's about it. Why? because I for one, am my BIGGEST critic and don't find much enjoyment in watching myself or hearing my voice. For example, have you ever heard your own voice back on the answering machine... and thought "That's me? No way, I do NOT sound like that" and then your friend says "yeah you do, you totally do" and then all the sudden your freaked out... it's kinda like that times a million for me, sheer torture (maybe you have not had this answering machine experience, in that case never mind) does this make sense? Maybe not... but I suppose I felt that if I went back and watched it and seen some of my "human" moments, or heard some of the dumb things I said, or the few bad notes I hit and I would be so hard on myself, feel foolish and then begin to hold back, sensor or change myself. Now on the contrary, While many would argue that going back and "watching the tape" is valuable and vital for learning and getting better...like in sports for example (dave would be so proud of me right now for making a sports reference, he is obsessed) they go back and watch the tape of the game to study their mistakes, and see what worked and allow it to help them know how to improve their next game. Yes, I can definitely see how this could be helpful... maybe someday I will use this strategy or tactic. But for now I leave it in the past and work off my "instincts". And music is entirely about instinct to me, or feeling... as you probably could tell, I don't pay much attention to technicalities... maybe I should... but I don't.
After I was eliminated I was immediately thrown into the media machine and had the experience of doing "press"... lots and lots of press. This was quite interesting and eye opening for me, I have mentioned this several times, but during the show I kept myself in a bubble, away from TV, Radio and the internet... no reading the articles, the blogs, the forums or "googling" of my name... this was a big no no for me. Again, in the beginning, after giving into the temptation or curiosity, wondering what people were thinking, you learn quickly that yes indeed EVERYONE has an opinion... and while some of those opinions are good, some of them are not. In fact that are beyond "not good" there are those that can be very hurtful, hateful and malicious... of someone they don't even REALLY know. Or even if they are good, too much of that could cause your head to spin and get you a little too high. Let me tell you friends, it is scary to become the object of so many peoples opinion. That is why I decided to not go looking for it... if I wanted to hold on to who I am and stay entirely true to me! Obviously there was a small circle of people, who I trust, respect and listen to... whose opinions stem from honesty and love. So when I did my interviews there were reporters that would ask questions such as "How did it feel to be pegged 'the emotional one'?" or "I noticed you often interrupted the judges, why is that?" and so on and so on. Hearing these things for the first time was definitely news to me, and was also the first time I had ever come to realization with any of it... maybe if I went back and "watched the tape" I would have stopped interrupting Simon and say "it's okay" a million times, I really never meant to:).
I guess what I am trying to say is that, the entire time I was on American Idol, or off... I was completely myself... perhaps to a fault. Beyond preparing for performances I reacted to each situation on the spot, with out pre-meditation or strategy. Was I perfect, heck no, never... I always joked that if there was anything strange or awkward that could happen on the show, it happened to me! But there are moments that I have questioned if it's a good idea to be so vulnerable when I am also so sensitive and soft... still no thick skin. But I want to be the first to confess to the world that I know I'm not perfect, somehow I find it's liberating, I think it's calms expectations and makes room for whats real. There isn't much mysteriousness here, so I probably won't make a great rockstar:)
But you know... I think Beyonce is smart... she understands that it's scary to take chances and go after your dreams but knows that fear can't stop you, I am trying... I think I'm on my way, sometimes I still get scared... and I have moments where I'm not sure if I can do it...Maybe it would be cool to find my own inner Sasha Fierce, maybe we all should! I think the concept is not really about being a different person, but finding your strength. I guess I gotta come up with a cool name first... But for now I Suppose I just gotta keep working with Brooke White.
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David Archuleta
By David Archuleta
Release date: 2008-11-11 |
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11:00 AM
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