As my twitter informs me, I have recently been amused by a number of things:

'Let the Right One In'
(left the cinema in tears)

'Crack the Skye'
(now I'm lost in oblivion)

'Damned United + Frost/ Nixon'
(good to see Michael Sheen rising through the ranks of British acting talent)

'Primary Colours'
(is this only good because I've never really listened to My Bloody Valentine?)

Overall, I think I've probably bored you all to death of late with inconsistent ratings out of five (or is it ten) that I cant help but give every film I see and every album I hear. I would do well to remember that my opinion is simply a drop of Ribena in the ocean...it won't make it taste any better. I'm so sorry.

So why blog?

Is blogging solely just writing about the things one is 'in to'? And if so, for whose amusement?
Instead, shall I tell you about some of the interesting things I've done? I mean I've watched The Apprentice, eaten some rice at Wagamama's, wondered why nobody made any good musicals in the 90s...oh no I said INTERESTING things. Shit, then no, I can't really help you out.

I was sitting next to a girl on an aeroplane (hah this stupid mac text edit programme tells me I should spell that 'airplane') the other week on my way back to the homeland, and I immediately, albeit with very hollow reasoning, took a disliking to her. Of course we'd never met before, and our conversation consisted of me passing her some headphones and her muttering thanks.
So why did I start throwing stones around glass houses? Let's look at the facts/

First of all, she was wearing flip flops and track suit trousers...clearly one of those people who likes to 'get comfortable 'before a plane journey. Hmmmm, reading that back: pretty weak first reason.

Secondly, I swear I noticed her chuckle to herself when I chose to watch High School Musical 3 (why were no big musicals made in the 90s? Disney films don't count...I'm talking ludicrously high budget, poorly written but somehow wonderful extravaganzas) whilst she opted for the far more intellectual 'Yes Man' (I hear it jostles against 'Fun With Dick & Jane' as Carrey's real low point).

Thirdly, she asked for the vegetarian pasta, ate half and rejected her pudding - not offereing it to me. Obviously I was too scared to ask so just watched it lie dormant for a while.

Finally though, and most importantly (I only went back and decided the first three actions really got on my goat as a result of this) when the flight attendant asked us what drink we'd like, she said "could I please have an apple and cranberry juice?".

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What the fuck?

Apple and cranberry juice? Are you serious? I don't even have a shop in a mile radius of my house that sells apple and cranberry juice, so why would they be serving it on a fucking plane? Unless the airlines have been bulk ordering it, thus making it immensely rare...Obviously the woman serving drinks just stared at her in shock. And so did I.

Moral: Don't make first class demands when you can clearly only afford recession class.

Everybody knows the drill: Beer, Wine, Coke, Orange Juice, Sprite if you're lucky, and AJ (can I say that?) if you're very lucky. This is good to learn, because it doesn't just apply to 'airplanes' but also family gatherings and school theatre performances. How this mysterious Cranbapple hybrid entered her head, I would love to know. Maybe she's still sitting on that seat, staring into the eyes of the speechless air hostess, both frozen in a suspended state of disbelief at  one other.

Well that's what I'd like to think, but in reality, I saw her mum come and pick her up from the airport as I left, four hours after High School Musical finished, and four hours after she settled for an orange (no cranberry) "with ice".

Shit, if I'd talked to her she might have been the girl of my dreams.

But then I'd never have got to write this blog...



Madame Two Swords.

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