i don't like seeing my lyrics written down. they frighten me. especially this latest batch. but it becomes a different issue when you're preparing to record. in repeated rehearsals and live shows the words you're actually singing tend to get lost, replaced by a composition of syllables/phrases/inflections, more like abstract vocal painting than verbal singing.

but when faced with the task of setting down vocals onto a format that will last the ages, its another game entirely. first of all, even writing out the words for our engineer Jim was a strange experience - to see these words that i've been singing, almost without thought, for so long in the stark, black on white format of typed pages, well, its disconcerting.

these are vicious lyrics. brutal lyrics. obssessive lyrics. and i knew this. i tailored them to be that way. but it presents an interesting challenge when setting down vocal takes. its hard to sing brutal words in front of people, and even harder to hear it repeated over loud speakers, phrase-by-phrase, ad nauseam.

but, in the long run, the attention to detail and minutiae pays off, though i always find that the less thought you put into the actual performance the better. singing needs to be open and honest and not forced, and that's the hardest trick of them all - making something that's been worked and fretted over hardcore sound spontaneous.

i tracked vocals on 2 songs on Friday night - Bare Bones and La Pasionaria. it went extremely well, precisely because i just stood up and sang, without thinking too much about words or "performance" or trying to emote the lyrics. just open your throat and sing 'em.

today we finished most of the overdubs on the above two songs, arriving at what are some very passable rough mixes of what will most likely be the opening and closing songs of the record.

this is by far the happiest i've ever felt making any record, which is bizarre, because the songs come from a very dark, shameful place, somewhere that i don't like going to. but, the thing is, its only when when you're feeling comfortable and stable can you really get out the proper performances to match the emotional weight of the material. i certainly know that just a month ago i would not have been functional enough to even spend 8 hours in the studio.

so there's this weird dissonance between mindset and artistry that, i think, is what produces the best music. i'm not claiming to know the secret, but i think i'm forging through, learning more and more each day. and i have hope. and ambition. and that's a good thing. more than i could have said just a few weeksa ago. the only thing to do is keep moving forward. because even if no one else cares, we do.

sorry if this sounded melodramatic or self-absorbed.

- brendan