You may have read… or more than likely, in the case of listeners of this show, heard the headline "Haggard now 'completely heterosexual.'" The lede went on to state that, "One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is 'completely heterosexual.'" Never mind that the counselors make no claim to have cured Reverend Haggard's actual problem… hypocrisy. But whatever your personal beliefs, you can see the enormous potential in the possibility of radical personal change in a mere three weeks, no matter how unlikely.

For example, take Senator Joe Biden… please! Consider a program that could cure him of his inability to shut the flapping up. Imagine the news release:

One of four mimes who oversaw three weeks of intensive wall building, rope pulling, and silent emoting for Democratic Senator Joe Biden said the disgraced politicians emerged convinced that he is now "completely reflective and restrained."

Using only gestures, Biden insisted that his ill-considered remarks had been limited to plagiarism… and insults of Asian immigrants, blacks, Democrats and Republicans. He described his words as "insensitive as hell; it's very offensive… You cannot be insensitive to race issues from positions of leadership. But, I still have a dream… a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: - 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that…

As Biden continued to gesture on and on … and on, his counselors disappeared down a set of stairs hidden behind a trunk full of props.

Another headline about Reverend Haggard declared "TED HAGGARD 'REDEFINES' HOMOSEXUALITY: Disgraced minister denies being gay."

Just imagine if the subject of an equally extreme metamorphosis were our own Billy Sunshine. The problem? He's so vain he probably thinks the Dylan song "The Disease of Conceit" is about him. Don't you? Don't you?

The headline:

Billy Sunshine "redefines" Self-Absorbed, Egomaniacal, Ill-Informed Talk Show Host

The lede:

Shlock jock Billy Sunshine announced today on the Dr. Laura Show that he is completely cured of his egocentric tendencies. Sunshine proclaimed, "Only a person of my intelligence, sensitivity, and height could accomplish what I have accomplished in three weeks. I am pleased to announce that I am no longer enamored with the sound of my own voice. From now on, I promise not to rely on Mrs. Sunshine to actually know something about the topics we discuss. I further promise to read the books of the authors we have on the show. I no longer regard masturbation as sex with the one I love the most. And I now understand that millionaires like me, who never did an honest day's work, should share the wealth by paying fairly for services rendered unto Ceasar. Therefore I pledge to buy 100 copies of the CD "This Human Heart" from CDBaby.com/davidkleiner, to use as on-air prizes and presents for friends… in case I ever have any."

The Haggard story in the Denver Post went on to report that one of the minister's counselors, Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur, said the board confirmed Haggard's claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones.

Imagine this headline: President Bush Now Scrupulously Honest. The lede?

A board of Republican insiders confirmed today that the only untruths ever spoken by President Bush were told only to the American people and consisted of only the following:

The Republican Party will restore honor and integrity to the White House.

We've never been stay the course!

(Begin playing outro music SOFTLY…)

The vast majority of my tax cuts go to the bottom end of the spectrum.

A LITTLE BIT LOUDER

Iraq was "harboring a terrorist network, headed by a senior Al Qaeda terrorist planner"

A LITTLE BIT LOUDER

By the year 2042, the entire social security system will be exhausted and bankrupt.

MUSIC STOPS, BILLY: That's Kleiner's Komedy Korner for this week… (over the following, until cut off)

Eliminating the estate tax will keep family farms in the family. 177 of the opposition party said, 'You know, we don't think we ought to be listening to the conversations of terrorists.' I want Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to remain with me until the end of my presidency.