Life is good. I've come to some sort of peace about the death of my son. Thirteen years ago, my children and I were in a train wreck. From that experience, I learned that God loves my children more than I can, far more. Now, come forward to December 2006. My son died in service to our country. In January, I was so pissed at God that I yelled at Him and then didn't talk to Him for several weeks. When I finally started talking to Him again, I still didn't get very chatty with Him.
In July, my pastor preached a sermon on the Psalm that says that one day in God's courtyard is better than a thousand elsewhere, and all I could think about is how one more day with my son is better than a thousand elsewhere. At that moment, by actually admitting that I was putting Jack before God, I knew, I knew that I had to shift my thinking or I would be in pain for a long, long time.
The following Sunday morning, I was driving through Chicago on I-94, listening to WMBI Christian radio. I don't recall a particular song that was played, but the quiet time allowed my to think things through. In what was almost a question from God, I asked myself, Do I still believe that? Do I still believe that God loves my children more than I ever could? If my answer was still yes, then I needed to come to terms with Jack's death and with my relationship with God.
I had a wonderful two weeks visiting my friend in Vermont. (She said I was glowing!) I felt more relaxed and at peace than ever before. The first church service I attended when I returned home, I sang. I sang for the first time in a long time. And I meant the words of praise to God. Previous to this, I had not been able to sing the words and mean them, and when I would try to sing, I ended up crying.
By extension, if God loves my kids more than I can, then that means He loves me more than I can know or imagine. I know from the book of Romans that God makes all things work for good to those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. I also know that He will not test me beyond what I am able to handle.
Am I "over" my son's death? No. I doubt I'll ever be "over" it. But I do know that today I have peace and the first step to acceptance.