How long has it been since I have graced everyone with one of these...
... if I dont know then apparently it has been utterly too long.

Sometime before December 31st in the two thousand and sixth year of our god that infernal store closed its doors to the public forever, along with its departure a bit of my sarcasm and anger faded away into the abyss of that mismanaged mishap that someone would dare call a shopping center.

The corporation entity that had sucked the very life from me is no more... thank the gods. I bailed early, left that place before it fell into a heap of paperwork and corporate failure.

But lets back up a moment, shall we? During my abiscuous and most undelightful time working as a nothing person at my former place of employment I had begun taking a rather interesting course I had wandered upon while visiting the local county fair. I had gone to the fair to get an oversized hamburger topped with about a pound of cooked mushrooms along with my usual grease fries and butter that has some real corn somewhere inside it that would give an old person a heart attack in the matter of moments. When I left the fair I somehow got wrangled into a tax prep course.

(crystal echoes shrugs) Stranger things have happened to me.

How to prepare taxes.

Mind you I am only 26 years old. How many 26 year olds out there actually know anything other than what 'income' means? I admit I didnt go to school like the more privelaged kids past high school but I doubt even they know the real mysteries that lie in that two page paper that haunts us once every year.... that is if we have enough to file income taxes but then again I am getting ahead of myself and really dont want to glaot over my knowledge.

Sure I dont.

HA HA HA I CAN DO SOMETHING YOU CAN'T!!!

Sorry, didnt know what came over me right then and there. *snickers* My first day in class and I was surrounded by retiree's and other persons that clearly could pass off for my parents. I felt as though I had intruded upon some geriatric society for the privleged.

Its odd being the youngest in the class by half anyones age. I wasnt treated differently which kept a happy Crystal but I always felt some sort of strange sense that I wasnt understanding everything that everyone else already knew. Of course we had the certified public accountant who raised her hand and had every right answer all the time and the man who used to run the books for his wifes business and the old guy who just wanted to save money by doing his own taxes instead of paying someone else but when it came time to tell everyone why I was there it seemed as though everyone was genuinely intrested as to what someone, meaning a young filly like me who should be out shopping with her mass of giggly friends, was really there.

I said only one thing, which oddly enough earned my respect to stay within their strange circle of privelaged elderly folks. Its a code of ethics I work by to this day and smile everytime I think of it.

'There are only two constants in the universe... death and taxes.'

The subject matter was foreign to me. What the hell is depreciation? I thought Amoritization was something that a guy did if he liked you. Who is IRA? And, what the hell is the IRS thinking!?!

I asked more than a hell of alot of questions. I am sure the old people were sick of me, I leanred slower than they did. My teacher, bless her soul knew that I was a complete and utter noob at this so she for my sake kept the subject matter on the chapter we went over. I soaked up the knowlege like a sponge and found myself making the IRS my homepage. People started staring oddly at me when my light reading material at work was a thick tax definition guide that looks like a lawyer threw up all over a page and it was published.

And I even found out that death itself cannot save you from taxes. Yesterday I prepared the final taxes for a man who had passed this lifetime early last year. That was odd, trust me right there. 'Did you have any dependents you'd like to claim this year?' (Thinks of talking to caskets before shuddering in slight fear)

My palms sweated as I took the test. The first part wasn't open book but thats alright I slept on my book and through osmosis didnt have a complete brain fart through the test. Osmosis works? not really I was making that part up.

Unfortunately my health began to fade and I couldnt attend the last day of my class, the one where you find out how you did... grades. I sunk myself into my mind that I had sucked beyond sucking and had barely made it which would be something usual for me.

No matter. At least I can do my own taxes now. That alone was worth it. Could I work for a firm preparing taxes? No I already had a full time job elsewhere selling out of all things jewelry to women who snatched up sales like monkeys went after bananas.

My mind still wandered back to the tax course often. How did I do on that test? I get a phone call from a random stranger... apprently... I had done so well that I was referred by my teacher to a private tax firm.

At this point my mind went into a blank... done so well? No my dear lady she must have been joking with you, turned the paper upside down and revealed a different score than I really had. That wasnt the case... I was the best score in the class, best score in the region at H&R Block and this is over the public accountant who was in the same class I was in.

My mind did this thing where it shuts down and I lose control of bodily fluids... Yeah, I drooled all over myself and became a puddle of goo.

My desk is a vast field of paperwork that somestimes stacks itself taller than my monitor which I use to hold the pile straight so it doesnt tip over. When that happens I have to put those papers in the file cabinet... ahem.. MY FILE CABINET! I have my own file cabinet, damn, and this coming after being a dressing room attendant.

My boss shakes her head and thinks my antics are rather amusing while I decorate MY FREAKINGLY LARGE DESK with cute little stuffed animals that can hang onto my notes for me so I dont lose them. I am the youngest tax preparer that has ever worked for her and apparently the best. Theres that word again. hehe I dont think I can ever get used to it.

So death and taxes are the only constant in the universe? I've changed that theory, we are all going to die someday theres no helping that. But taxes are the only constantly inconstant in the universe. This year alone there have been over three hundred revisions ten more credits allotted and every year the figures for all standard deductions and exemptions and amounts for every credit, tax and figure will change, go up, go away or just float around somewhere on the 1040 like that odd line 71 that wont be there next year.

So I find tax laws fun, shoot me with an arrow or something. I go through erasers like rabbits through a bag of carrots and gladly go back for more. Last night someone was trying to deduct neutering their dog off their taxes. Honestly, even if i didnt know what the hell I was doing I know you couldnt do that.. sheesh.