There's something about standing still that makes me feel haunted. There's a jewish proverb, which I can't actually recount, that seems to say something to this effect... something about out running the darkness.. though I should say.. it's probably more an effect of "free libido" as we say in the psychoanalysis biz... that then energizes the dark side to sorta peak in on us.

I had a somewhat creepy dream the other day. In the dream, there was my mom. I looked at her kind of funny, as she told me what a great job the doctors had done. I was like "mom, I was at you're funeral, I was there as we put you into the ground." Her face was extra puffy.. as if made so by whatever medication they had used.. from my mom's perspective.. it was no real big deal.. what this medicine could do.

Since my mom died I haven't really dealt with it too much. Or.. it is as if I felt too numb at first.. and now as parts grow less numb, there's pain associated with that... And I just remember that first week... this sense of there being oceans of pain inside.. that go far beyond my fathoming.. One often wonders "just how much of religion is a the force of denial," and I have to say that there is this powerful psychological need to believe in something like an after life.. to believe that one day I will be reunited with my mom.. It's a kind of overwhelming need.. as I speak of it my eyes tear up.

But that's not the whole soul's dark night story, now is it? That is more like the back drop...

The real thing is.. my struggle of career and dreams and... all that stuff. A struggle to be. Swirling around this subject is all manner of anxieties and fears. You do the best you can to walk on fire.. but there comes a time where you have to leave it up to the will of the universe.

So, what's your relationship to the universe? I am often convinced that when i die I will go to hell. Some people, particularly friends, will look at me as if I had 4 heads for saying such a thing.. Indeed, I am "a nice guy." Ahh, but what demons lurk in your friendly neighborhood nice guy?

Well no, I have secretly berried no corpses in the back yard.. and even if I was that type.. I'm not sure I'd do that as I hear the corpse black market can be very lucrative..

"Who are you kidding" is the voice I hear as I try and walk across the fire. It's as if.. in this long period where I couldn't afford studio upgrades... that all the dreams I was dreaming were nothing but rationalizations.. a denial that echo's our earlier theme of what religion might be made of. I try to value truth over psychological neediness.. and thus am pretty at home in some of truths darker waters.. to kind of echo Nietzsche..

So I must wrestle with this "who are you kidding voice," mustn't I? The fear is... you go out and spend a lot of money on stuff you never use.. or you spend a lot of money on the wrong stuff and..

It's hard to explain really.. but making art keeps me sane. Making Art is like dancing with the Gods for me.. It is a time when you and God are one.. or that's the sorta psychological experience of it.. that somehow you become a kind of vehicle of divine forces.. That's your job.

Without my art making.. I feel as if Hell is where the gravity of my soul leads. So.. here I am, weeks on ends.. even more then a month.. because of technology.. not really making my art.. and so I'm stuck out in this dark wood...

Yesterday.. is it even yesterday yet? I took a nap around 9PM, woke up around 3AM.. so that's kinda where I'm at right now.. anyway.. yesterday.. I finally got around to trying to instal Native Instruments Kore.

Kore is.. well a sound tool. You load Kore into your sequencer.. and Kore contains any number of pluggins.. and configurations.. Kore used to just be the configurations.. plug ins sold seperitly and all that.. but the latest version includes some sound engines.. Anyway.. Kore is some pretty cool stuff.. includes a hardware controller.. and will function as an audio interface.

So I go and install it.. and it tells me my serial number is being used by another user.. this keeps me from being able to "authorize kore." That authorization takes it out of demo mode.. so I contact Native Instruments via email... haven't heard back yet.. I haven't heard back yet over my Komplete instillation trouble ether! Let me tell you.. they are getting on my shit list! Why? Well not only am I being told that someone else is using my serial number.. but Kore is freezing when I try and Load Kore.

So what you ask? Well.. Kore will function inside of whatever sound application supports whatever plug in format.. what this means is Final Cut Pro won't run, because it freezes during start up.. as a result of Kore.

Are you keeping track of all my woes? 1 I can't install Reason because I don't have access to the email address they sent the serial number to.. as a result of my hard drive problems. 2 Komplete will not instal. 3 Kore isn't working. 4 I can't do anything on this computer until I get software that will actually run on it! Thus.. everything is in hold.. thus my dark wood.

What I Need to do is get some sense of forward momentum going. If I get that, there will at least be a psychological sense that I'm dealing with the issues at hand. Somehow.. doing research on cameras.. and all the stuff I am dong.. is not enough. I need to be making actual work. This sense made even stronger by having the damn computer!

I still don't have any sense of what this computer is capable of.. Today I ran a statistics program while a computer game ran and saw that the game was using less then 8% of the processor power. This is impressive in that, generally, games push your computer quite hard..

latter:

I grow over tired, time for bed.