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My Doctor decided to have me undergo a Endoscopy ot check my stomach just to rule out chrohns desease and other such fun. Endoscopy is like a colonoscopy but they put a camera down your throat to look at your tummy. The procedure was at the hospital for Noon. The fun part is arriving an hour early. ALso your supposed to fast from 10 pm the previous day. I dont eat breakfast much so this wanst a problem.
After making you sign stuff in case of death, they bring you to a room with the stretchers in it and dividing curtians so you can wait with other people. It was the same room i was in for my colonscopy last year. The nurse came up to me and i told her i remembered her cuase seh asked me if i smoke. I said that she said last time that her husband quit after three packs a day. She was impressed with my memory and said she remembered me and i was at the strecher across from were i was. Im thinking lucky guess, and seh was trying to be nice. I did look kinda reterded when i said i remember her cause i thought seh was going to shake my hand and didnt realize she was checking the IV needle in my hand.
I laid there for an hour listening ot other patients talk to the nurse behind the curtains. One lady mentioned seh had no open wounds but wondered if some pimples counted. She called them blemishes first i from the sound of it, i think they were on her butt. Also i suspect she was having her period cause i heard the nurse give her s ziploc bag and whisper something about bringing it out when seh was done and not flushing it. The guy across from me sounded really interesting. I wanted to meet him. HE was born in 1945 in april. HE plays platform tennis, whatever that is, and is getting his first colonoscopy. He joked alot. He would have been fun to hang out with waiting that hour for my procedure. Instead i sat there realizeing i wore boxers that ride up that were killing my balls, trying to not lie on that knot for tying my hospital gown and i realized i was too tall for th streatcher bed. My feet hanged off and it drove me nuts. I wondered if left like that for a long time, would gravity cause my feet to crack and fall off.
Eventually after some really serious and creepy anestisia 55 year old guy asked me repetive questions, i was ready to be carted out. I think the guy askes the same stupid questions to get a feel on how dumb you are so he can disregard stupid shit you say when you come out of anestisia. Then another male anstesiaologist came along and took me out to the procedure room not realizing the other one was there and he needed to take lunch. HE asked me how he was steering nad i said ti was better than the nurse last time that crashed me into a wall. he kept explaining whoever designed them never used them and so forth till i was like "i get it". about five times he kept repeating how hard they are to steer. then he put those heart rate monitor stickers on my chest and commented on my chest hair. I really dont think i qualify as the "hairest person hes ever seen". lots of people have way more chest hair than me. then he kept wondering outloud if back hair keeps one cooler in the summer or hotter. Finally someone got rid of him and sent him to lunch.
THey make you lie on your left side and put a gag in your mouth that has a hole in it. The purpose is to keep you from biting the scope while they are doing the procedure. I imagine it would be good if you wanted to orally rape someone but are afraid they will bite. They should have those things in prison but tehy could be turned inot a slingshot i guess. Then you have to wait for the anestisia to set in. This is while you are lying there on your side looking up and seeing your doctor who seems to be awkwardly avoiding eyecontact. its really weird. He seemed to be also hurrying the anestisialogist to make me get knocked out quicker to stop the awkward ness of me staring at him with a green gag and a hole in it in my mouth. "i know what ill do" i thought, "ill make this less awkward". within a few seconds, i felt the anestisia hit, its awesome, and i went "yup here it comes". I dont knwo if it worked cause i passed out. Anestiaisa is great. the first time i had it wehn i was in college, i sat up and looked around and saw people yelling to lie back down.
THe procedure is ten minutes long about and i woke up and the doctor said i seem fine. I was wheeled into the recovery room which is all the stretcher beds lined up behind curtians. They put mine in front of the bathroom door, kinda torturing me caue i really ahd to pee all that IV i interveniously drank. Then they bring your girlfriend to sti with you and poke your face and stuff. I heard that guy born in 1945 who plays platform tennis was behind the curtian next to me. He was a colostomy patient and i could keep hearing him fart. You fart non smelly air when you get a colonoscopy cause they pump it up with air so the scope can turn corners and such. I complained there were too many Colonoscopy patients around me farting and i wanted to be near endoscopy people. it sucked having to lie there for an hour before i could be released.eventually the doctor showed up to repeat that everything was normal pending a bacteria test (no bacteria). he talked to my girlfriend in case i forgot. he stood by my feet, touching my ankel with his hand. It was nice he touched my ankle, it made me feel important. if he touched my feet and put wieght on them i d be mad cause they were still dangling off the bed and i was worried theyd crack off.
I kept sitting up cause i saw that seemed to piss off the nurses who were all sitting there near me. eventually they gave me a crappy roll and some apple juice and told my girlfirned to get her car out front to pick me up after 45 minutes. I went to the bathroom after changing into my cloths and walked towards the door, staring at the chatting nurses who seemed to not notice, while i wondered what to do. I made it to the door and the lesbian head one yelled at me and said to sit down at some waiting area i never noticed. Then another one said i ahd to be escorted out and my girlfrned needs to be out front ot pick me up. Stupid nurse didnt realize she already sent her to do that and dragged me to the nurse station so she could call her. She then was stupid enough to ask me what my girlfriends cell phone number was. I told her i have no idea, its Kristen on my address book in my phone. THen they realized she was out there and i left. We went to a diner and i had a big breakfast.
That was friday. i was very cranky and tired afterwards. saterday was fun cause me and the girlfriend went bike riding. Then later on that night i drank beers and watched cops , and played Wii. the next day we went to her sisters house to go swiming with her family. I splashed a six year old repeateldy, convinced a nine year old to spray people with a cold garden hose and helped make balloons in a water balloon fight. Water balloons suck and dont break when you hit someone. they break on teh slightest touch of a blade of grass or pavement but not weh thrown at any body part but someones feet. the best method i found was to chuck one at the top of a garage over peoples heads.
Later on someone said "hey mike, you want to see a dead frog we found in the pool filter?" I said "why yes, i would like that" and saw a dead frog. IT kept growing grey spots on it and people were complaining. My girfreinds sister yelled to her husband that she needed three bags or such to throw it away. I interviened and gave it a proper burial in the garden.
Later on someone was like "hey mike you want to see a praying mantis eating a bee" and i was like "why yes i would" and saw a praying mantis eat a bee. it was neat. later on id be smoking next to the flowers and watched a bee i was mentally pushing near the Praying Mantis get caught and eaten. The praying mantis just hold them tight wti there sharp arms and crush the bee and then remove the stinger like we remove shrimp tails. The praying mantis seemed ot stare at me pissed off. they have spiderman like eyes and no eyeballs but i could tell it was pissed.
Eventuall ythe whole family was in the tv room ready to watch teh wedding video from the sisters wedding. that was too much excitement to me. We left as i had a few freinds i promised to go to there labor day party and we were an hour from home. the only other person not watching the wedding viedowas the husband, who realized my girlfreind did not log out of Facebook were seh was playing farmville. He spent his time making nazi swatticas on her farm out of hay bales and other such things.
so we gowith my roommate to the party later on. as we drove on, we were listening to the radio stations top 1019 favorite songs of all time picked by people who get 20 picks and cant repeat a band. We were at 279 and this plays.
its a funny song ive been noticing at work playing lately. took me fifteen minutes to find the name of this stupid band right now so i could post the video. As we drove i pointed out how the song is funny. My roommate started talking about her dance club and about htis song and i tuned her out as is my fashion so i could think how maybe later i could make a few diffrently filled beer bottles along with a spoon or something and play the song while horribly singing. i think the band uses a Xeolophone but beer bottles would suffice.
I played a lot of beer pong and did decent. My freind who was a bartender gave me some free beer stuff i dint want. One was a beer holder cozy that is in the shape of a NEw York Jets jersey. I was going to burn it in the bonfire but i thought football season is starting next week so when i go to root for the bucs, surrounded by obnoxius cowboy fans and am in hell, i can give the beer cozy jersey to my freind funny ron, who is short. Ill say "hey ron, i found a jersey that will fit you but the neckhole may be too small for you giant bulbous head". that will cheer me up.
My beer was really cold cause i did what "mythbusters" said and use salt water with ice to make it super cold. i brought my personal cooler and wrote "property of (my name)" on it with a little skull. I should have used a sharpie and not a big "marks a lot" marker cause it smeared anad people sat on it and got black stuff on there asses, perhaps even my name in reverse form. My hands were really cold from my cold mythbuster beer. Thats why my firend got the cozy.
Later on we played the best players at beer pong. i was wearing my orange buccaneer jersey and this jerk kept calling me "syracuse" or "autumn". i told him its a nice orange buccaneer jersye but he kept taunting me. Eventually i got a little mad and wehn he called me autumn or maybe it was halloween i said "your the one who looks like you like candy" refering to his size. Hes not fat but hes big. he said he didnt like that. I told someone id punch ihm in the head. then i realized it was my friends brother i met once and i liked the guy so it was all good.
i drank a lot of bud light and we all took a taxi home after i harrased my friends cat and such. I then went to bed and had a dream i was in a castle room with no door and i really had to pee but couldnt feel a door. I kinda remember sleep walking and tocuhing my closet doors a lot. THen i decided to pee on the castle floor in my sleepwalking dream. I remember that loud liquid on a floor and garbage can sound and hearing my girlfriend go "what are you doing" much like a few months ago. I realized where i was kinda and i wasnt in a castle but by my door in my room and she was awake so i tried to pee quietier. she yelled something again and thne i guess i went to the bathroom, now aware of were the doors were. the next day was not a good day to wear socks while walking into my doorway.
Next day was hangover monday. then i had to go to my parents and granparents for a barbueque. Later on my grandma started laying inot my dad about his weight and i got out of there.
before i go, i mentioned i was going to a wedding two weeks ago and heard a rumor the bride and groom werent into each other and idnt want to go. IT was boring and they had food but you had to wait forever for it. heres a picture i took of my table.
THis features our name tag that i added sharp metal to as to surprise the cleaner up people. the metal was from decrative wedidng bands that were all over everything. Also you can see they gave me my sprite in a beer mug with a tiny straw htat was too small for the mug. And you can see i arranged all the colorful sugar packets into a rainbow like pattern to make it prettier. The fun part of going ot weddings fo people you met only once (and they dont remember meeting you, i only rememberd them cause i ws told i would be dragged to there wedding) is leavin g the church and saying "congradulations" and thinking of anything to say. the best man introduced himself and the rest after ignored me. I creeped out the bride of honor i think. Hopefully i can avoid weddings for a while.
11:51 PM
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