To care or not to care? That is the question that I think about most these days. The question that I think is most important to pick a side on.
But I'm torn.
Does anything really matter? Do we live in an objective world or a relative one, altering with your mood, perception, status, lot, species?
Is following your passion most important? Or is keeping your job simple, accumulating enough money just to relax and love and enjoy the most intelligent choice? Or pursuing money, sacrificing a lot of enjoyment now, for perhaps the lap of luxury later? And is that uncertain gamble worth the risk at all?
Goerge Carlin died this week. The reason I became a comic is no longer alive. I never met him. Wished I could have. I was lucky enough to see him live twice. That was a real treat. Heard he hung out at the Hermosa Beach Comedy and Magic Club a lot, and was offered a spot there for two years now, but was always too lazy to roll down. I have just added something to the short list of regrets I have in my life. It makes me want to kick myself. But only sort of.
Carlin was prolific as can be. It inspired me. But I've spent too many years saying that I gotta start bringing all the stuff I've written to the stage . I have easily over ten hours of stuff I've written over the years, just standup alone, yet I have only a fraction of it polished for the stage. Partly because I am lazy to some degree, partly because I have a bad work ethic, and partly because except during short bursts when on a production, I have never focused solely on comedy. I focus on comedy every single day of my life. Probabaly 30 percent of the time. But I also focus on a lot of other shit. Some high minded, some quite low. But I have a wide variety of things that interest me, and that I can't seem to let go of doing.
Usually I feel pretty bad about that. That my varied focus is causing me not to live up to my potential. But right now, with the passing of one of my heroes, I am torn between whether I should just let go, and be content with a less prolific comedic career. I know that I have it in me to be great. But I'm just not so sure anymore that I should. That it's important to do. I guess you should just do what makes you happy, but it's just hard to tell sometimes what that's gonna be. You know since it ain't right in front of you.
I don't think I've written such a depressed thing in a long time. I guess because I am depressed. I am so deeply saddened by the death of such a vibrant alive sharp astute creative fertile hilarious brilliant genius of a man. A man who inspired me to go from being a kid with a debilitating speech problem, to become a standup comedian, alone on a stage with a mic, entertaining people, sometimes by the millions. And who taught me how to write and deliver standup comedy, by the brilliance of his example. (Write: brutally, sharply, boldly, hilariously, satirically, cleverly, and with a good curse word whenever you need it. Deliver: creatively, interestingly, excitedly, boldly, with force and confidence, patience and pause, different tones and voices, cadences and intonations. And with a good curse word whenever you need it.) And I wonder if I am letting him down. I wonder if I'm trying to play in the big leagues after missing a lot of the practices. And I wonder just how important it is to sacrifice so much peace and quiet for the tumult, noise, uncertainty, crazy hours, and permamently distracted brain, if in the end you die, and you are remembered by a one minute piece on the news mentioning your most famous bit and the influence you had on the worls, then immediately going to a story about whether a pregnancy pact at a mid west high school is a hoax or not. Who gives a shit?
And I guess that's the broader question too. Who gives a shit, really, about any of it? George Carlin, so many times I felt, said things, and hilariously proved points that I thought should have changed the world. Once that thought spreads it'll change the world. But it didn't really. It didn't permeate our culture enough to change our actions. And maybe comedy's not supposed to. But I guess that's the question I'm asking.