I think one reason for getting back up from being so down also has to do with needing being strong for my parents and my partner, Christine. She's definitely been strong for me. There were days after the injury I wouldn't get out of bed. She continued to support, encourage me, and did whatever she could think of to get the person she loves to come back to her. It's still a daily effort to not want to just stay in bed and hide from the world. I'm scared all the time, but there's nothing good that can possibly happen by giving up. So, we both keep going. So much has happened & for you to understand it, I need to backtrack a little.

First of all, I have moved. This is very overdue news that I planned to announce two months ago but really had a hard time confronting it for some reason. And then things started happening so quickly here that everything just turned upside down.  But Atlanta is no longer my home. Around Christmas, Christine & I actually moved to North Carolina. It was a very sudden decision that had to be made quickly given the situation here with my parents. The details of the decision are a story in itself, and at some point I'll tell you more about the decision process.

Living again in my small hometown has NEVER been something I thought I'd ever do. But things can change in the blink of an eye. I'll just say I definitely have Christine to thank for helping me rebuild a relationship with 2 people I never thought would ever accept or support my "lifestyle" in the ways they are now.  I laugh when I tell people that Christine basically "sold gay" to them during our visit last Thanksgiving when she unintentionally "outed" me to my mom – another tribute to her sales ability.  It's the craziest thing ever with how that happened and stuff of sitcoms, but it happened for a very important reason.  I'll just say that mom's reaction was incredible and not the one I've believed for so long she'd actually have. I am supposed to be here right now.

 Doing something different that you most fear really can unlock doors to new experience formally inaccessible.  And I am having faith that what I am doing now just might be one of those cases.  As hard and scary as it was for both of us to leave friends and our home in Atlanta, we are now able to do something for my mom and dad that is making all the difference in the world to them. 

To summarize the situation here – my father is in the final stages of a long battle with cancer. He also has advanced Diabetes and a serious heart condition. We've known he didn't have that long really, but yesterday we found out that he probably has even less time than we even believed. His cancer has moved to his bones and is essentially everywhere. He has always been very active and recently has been limited in even being able to get out of bed. His legs had been hurting terribly and have tended to "give out" on him. Last week, we were in the emergency room because of an injury he received from falling when trying to get out of bed. He severely cut himself on the edge of the nightstand. A couple of days later mom called in the middle of the night because she wasn't able to wake him. He had not been eating and had gone into diabetic shock. The EMT's were able to revive him with insulin, but the days since then have been bad. Because of the problems with his legs, we took him to the doctor again and found that the cancer had taken over, especially in his legs. I am an only child and both of my parents are in their 80's. My mom is not really able to drive that much anymore and has been drowning with the weight of caring for my dad.  Her efforts have taken a harsh toll on her own health and emotions.

 We moved up here to help them during this time, and it has been pretty overwhelming with the intensity of dad's condition. But we also moved here to help reduce some stress in both of our lives and for the sake of my own health. It was obviously meant to be as I look back on everything, but as much planning and working as I've done in the last year to get my life back on track, living in NC was NEVER on my radar.  It has been a very tough year and a half. 

I guess in all honesty, it's been a challenge for me to get back on track ever since I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in January of 2007.  I had actually written a blog at the time about that experience, but I removed it after giving into some pressure from colleagues in the psychology field.  I'm not remembering exactly what pushed me to pull it off because it was a life changing moment for me and a critical part of "my story".  I think ultimately it had to do with being made to worry about my "professional reputation" and being told that people would not want to work with me because of the things I said on a public blog.  It was a little ridiculous, but I learned something about a lot of people. My honesty definitely comes with positive and negative consequences. But I just believe that all that is happening to me is for a reason – and I think that reason is to somehow help others.  If so, I ask myself how that could ever happen if I'm not honest about my own experiences?

Making myself (and Christine by association) vulnerable like this certainly allows for negative people to use it against me, and some have. I know that not everyone is like me yet can give the appearance they are. I learned a few hard lessons by trusting some people last year, who I thought had my best interests at heart but did not. I wish I could say that I have actually handled everything that's happened with grace and dignity to this point, but that just wouldn't be true. The only thing I can honestly do now is make fun of my own hysterics and learn from my mistakes.

 My ultimate dream is to truly help others with my music, and I hope that somehow this can be one way I can start doing that. I have to believe that regardless of the risk of exposing myself, I will reach others on the same frequency as me.  I have to believe that doing this will open doors that have been previously been shut, and that through those doors will come answers to "problems". So, here goes.

First of all, I guess some of the ugly came after I lost my vision due to MS-related Optic Neuritis and was unable to work for a long time last year. To quickly summarize, I ended up having to file bankruptcy, and I lost everything - my car, my house, my studio, and so many other things that all went to pay for the bankruptcy. As much as I said I was just fine and acted like I was managing, I wasn't.  The bankruptcy was embarrassing and I was definitely uncomfortable with being seen as "sick".  I kinda felt like a big failure to be honest. That is, I felt like that when I wasn't reeling from just how unjust everything seemed.

The drive and passion to do everything I had been doing didn't disappear, but my ability to keep it all running and keep juggling all the balls did disappear for a time.  And it seemed that when this all disappeared, so did all the big "supporters" I thought I had. Realizing that someone isn't the person you thought they were is disorienting. As someone who has been the person always helping and doing things for others, I assumed I would have their support if I ever needed it. 

To realize that for some people it was too much to expect was hard. It made me doubt myself when I saw that it was never actually a reciprocal relationship but a relationship only based on getting what they wanted from me. When I couldn't do that for a while, the support I thought I had was gone. But you know, somewhere inside of me I already knew that would happen.  I ignored signs and my intuition that "knew" the truth about certain individuals. I only saw what I wanted to see.   I try to be thankful for the lesson and appreciate that I was given those opportunities to strengthen my intuition. Because of those experiences I am learning to actually pay attention to and believe in my intuition. And it's pretty dead-on in most cases. 

As far as my diagnosis goes, MS is just one of those conditions where people seem to handle it one of two ways – pretend you don't have it or assume that you are doomed and treat you like an invalid. Like I said I learned a massive amount about my friends during all that.  Most had no idea what to say, so they said nothing.  I also learned a lot about myself during all that.  It really was a scary and confusing experience.  While my type of MS is one of the "better" ones and hopefully will not ever force me into a wheelchair, it's also one of the more frustrating because it's largely invisible to others.

With the remitting/relapsing type I have, I would feel great for long periods at a time, then suddenly I'd feel awful.  Since I've been here, I've felt better with few symptoms. But that wasn't the case last year. I generally looked fine. I talked fine. I walked fine. I appeared "fine" for weeks at a time.  Then the next day I was NOT fine. I felt TERRIBLE a lot – even when I was having a "fine" day. 

Some of the pain you feel with MS is impossible to describe. It can definitely derail you whether you want to give into it or not. But the worst part for me was that it forced me to really confront the fear I'd always had of letting people down.  I had a big fear of not being "perfect". And sadly I had a fear of not pleasing others. I don't think that it was a random accident that I have a condition that is nothing but unpredictable. The symptoms forced me to mess up – royally in some cases when I refused to acknowledge the symptoms. It caused me to let some people down.

But I'm thinking how can it be a random act that I was forced to live with something that caused the very consequences of which I had a lifelong fear? I assumed that I was going to basically have to confront the MS every day.  For almost a year, I was confronting something everyday despite the injections I was taking to keep the symptoms at bay.  And the symptoms I had that were most invisible actually hurt my ability to work the most. They were so intense that I was not able to run my mental health practice in the same way I had before when I juggled both that job full time and music full time.

Even though I was in the process of focusing more on music, and reducing the scope of my practice, I didn't want to leave it the way I ended up having to do. Being forced to give it up because of problems with short term memory loss and intense inability to focus was not the way I wanted to go out.  I had already spent so much time anyway dealing with and trying to accept the loss I was feeling from just being diagnosed with a condition like MS.  I was exhausted with trying to finish up final cases but having an impossible time being able to do so. 

 I just felt a lot of grief over losing my lifelong energy abundance and drive.  The irony of it all was too great – how is it I also managed to lose the very things I built my practice upon helping others overcome? It can get unbelievably lonely when you don't want to carry something like this alone, but are conflicted over how much support you even want. Part of me was screaming out every second for someone to PLEASE notice and help, while the other side of me was terrified that people would actually notice I needed help. Being unwilling to let go of the ideas I had for how life was "supposed" to be didn't help either. Forcing myself to just keep trying to do what I always had definitely made things worse. There was NO WAY I was willing to accept anything different. And by doing that I maybe missed the very answers for which I was searching.

Poor Christine is all I have to say. With the confusion, fear and disappointment came some very intense and irrational emotions, and she got the brunt of that. The stress it put on us was immense. At times, I let it control me.  When I felt bad, I unintentionally forced her to feel bad. When I felt like no one cared, I accused her of not caring.

But I feel different now, and for the first time since January 2007 I feel like my life will not have to be controlled by MS.  As far as my health goes, I feel more like myself.  Thanks to my wonderful mother's wonderful doctor, I have a physician who actually helps me understand the course of MS. Thank GOD that what was probably happening was I had never fully recovered from that first big flare-up in January 2007.  Things still pop up here and there every day, but it's more manageable. I think slowing down and taking a little time to heal was a good decision. I'm not getting tired like I was before. I don't have the tremor on a daily basis. I feel stronger. And my head and eyes are not killing me every night.  Taking a break (albeit a forced one) has probably allowed the medication to take hold in my body. I'm most happy and relieved that the surgery to fix my hand did not send me into another flare-up – which can often happen.  I still have pain in my neck and shoulders, but that's been something I've dealt with for so long it doesn't feel so overwhelming. 

We were hopeful about making the right decision to move here. Reducing expensive significantly was a positive aspect of living outside of a big city. It was definitely a different world, but we have been welcomed and accepted.  I was feeling excited about finally getting the chance to focus only on making a living as a musician. To be able to spend all of my efforts on creating music, promoting it, performing and everything else was a dream come true.  Even though we definitely have limited resources and are living very simply (no stove, no laundry, mini-fridge, 1 car, etc…), it was still kinda exciting to be doing something different.  We've had a million plans and ideas of what we wanted to do. 

Despite this hope and the thankfulness for having the MS go more into remission, things were  still been pretty overwhelming. All definitely did not go completely as planned with the move.  Having lost my health insurance in December, we had a lot of stress with trying to figure out how to just buy my daily injections ($3000/mo. No lie). Since they were obviously working, we were scared what would happen when I ran out – and that was quickly approaching.. 

I spent the majority of the 1^st 3 weeks we were here working to find medication programs that would help me afford my treatment. My amazing mother surprised me again with her resourcefulness, though. She managed to talk N.O.R.D (The National Organization for Rare Diseases) into accepting me into their program for free medication.  And her doctor took me as a patient and is wonderful. She is more savvy and well-informed about MS than ANYONE I saw in Atlanta.  Of course, every day I look at the big box in the fridge and can't help but think about just how much money I could make if I sold it (kidding!!).  

So, by January 9 we started feeling like we might be seeing the clouds break. It had been a beautiful day, although freezing. Our neighborhood is great and very safe, and we were beginning to feel at home in our surroundings.  For the first time in 10 years I lived in a neighborhood where I wasn't afraid to walk down the street alone at night –especially with dogs. After taking them for a quick late night walk, I stopped at my car to unload a few things. I let Casey (my Chow-Pitbull mix) get in the back seat and Sydney (my American Pitbull) sat down on the ground where she was hidden by the front car door. 

As I was reaching in the car I heard this huffing and puffing sound. Right as I look up, there was a HUGE black dog that came lunging at me. I literally stood up and turned toward it as he was in the air jumping at me.  I reflexively threw my left arm up to defend myself right as he sunk his teeth into my coat around the wrist area. Fortunately, I had on a really thick coat with down padding so he didn't actually bite through my arm. But in my left hand, looped around my middle two fingers, was the leather leash I was still holding onto with Casey and Sydney on opposite ends (they were on a multi-dog leash hooked at opposite ends). When I jerked my hand up to protect myself, the leash pulled taut into a loop around my fingers.  

Upon seeing the dog rush at me, they both jumped up to defend me. Casey dove out of the back seat around the front of me and clamped onto the dogs back leg.  Sydney bolted off the ground around my back in the opposite direction of Casey and lunged at the beast.  He was as shocked by them as I had been by him and basically took off. I had always wondered if they would actually protect me if a situation like that called for it. Well, I got my answer. If they hadn't have been there, I don't know what would have happened because the dog was not drawn over to chase them - he was coming after me.

In the confrontation, though, the unbelievable force of the leather leash being twisted in opposite directions around my fingers basically made my middle 2 fingers and hand violently spin around like a top after you've pulled its string out – and snapped like twigs. If you know pit bulls, you know that they compete in strength contests because they can pull unbelievable weights. And Sydney came at the dog with full force.  I heard and felt all the pops. I immediately jerked free from the leash and looked down at my hand. My 2 middle fingers were literally facing the wrong directions and my entire hand had already begun to swell from the fractures.  I remember looking down at my mangled hand and actually yelling to the sky, "you have GOT to be KIDDING me!!!!" It was kinda the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen – well, at least on me.

For the 3^rd night in a row, we visited the emergency room. Having been there the two previous nights with my dad for another heart attack scare and for the diabetic-related seizure, we were starting to know the nurses by name. Seriously, though, having to again focus on health issues when I was already overdosed on them was just unbelievable! Losing function in my guitar hand was as just unbelievable and obviously a bit at odds with the plan I had for making immediate.  This accident just seemed to be too much. I had come to an uneasy acceptance that it was just meant to be that I had given up so much already over the past year. But what's the likelihood of having this happen to the ONE thing I needed in order to do what I thought I was supposed to do???  I make the decision to focus on guitar and this happens? How much more ability specific could you get?? All the nurses kept saying, "oh, well thank God you are right handed", which prompted both a scream  from me, "but I play guitar!!" and simultaneous screams from mom and Christine, "but she plays guitar!!"

I ended up having about 7 severe spiral fractures (you can see in the pics) for which I had emergency surgery to fix with metal plates and pins.  I had this surgery with no insurance.  For the small price of $30,000 I now have a repaired hand, but a repaired hand that (according to the doctor) would probably never be again like it was.  I was told that in 12 – 18 months we might know more about what I would be able to do with the guitar. But due to the severity of the breaks, he felt that I would unlikely have the same abilities I did before. After my doctor said that those damning words about my left hand, I just basically shut down and took about a 2 week "depression freak-out" sabbatical.

It has been so tough on all levels. It's been hard to even figure out what to be most upset about over the past two months. So many things happened one after another. Maybe that was a blessing in disguise. If I got too sucked into my own pity party, a phone call away was my mom saying we needed to get to the hospital right away because the ambulance was on its way with my dad.  Still, I was just forced to be helpless for weeks and had to be so careful about keeping the hardware perfectly immobilized in my hand.  You really don't know how much you rely on something until it's gone. And I never paid as much attention as I should have to how strong the urge I have is to pick up the guitar on a daily basis. It's like I was in forced withdrawal from something my body needed. I realized that I was in the habit every day of at least picking up the guitar and playing for a little bit.  I get this "urge" to do that and nothing else seems to fulfill that need. It might only be 60 seconds of playing, but that's what I have done for a long time without recognizing its importance. 

Poor Christine - she was running around between me and my parents night and day. This, of course, did not make looking for a job very easy. But she never once complained about having to help me or my parents. She was really amazing at it, too. One thing that has been a gift through all of this is the relationship she has formed with my parents. They love her so much and treat her like another daughter.  Even though our relationship has been one with many challenges in the past (we were both a little bit like pit bulls ourselves when we fight), our experiences to this point have made us develop a bond that will be hard to ever break.

I adapted eventually and got pretty good at using everything from my feet to my teeth to hold things.  Meanwhile, if it wasn't bad enough, we had been only about ½ finished on a huge project of building a wooden privacy fence so the dogs could just go in the backyard. There are young kids and dogs in the surrounding yards, so this was a pretty big priority. My dad had also been in the process of fixing a lot of stuff in my grandparent's old house (where we are living) when he got really sick.  So, we've definitely been "roughing it" with a lot things.  We had some older appliances he was fixing that he just hasn't been able to finish.  But we've managed overall – we've gotten used to most things. But we still have moments of exasperation with some things – especially the broken toilet!! Yuck! But here's a tip that I'm a little embarrassed to say that maybe we were the only ones who didn't know – if you experience a toilet that will not flush, get a huge pitcher of water and pour it directly down into the bowl and it automatically flushes! OMG.  What has my life come to that I just wrote that? And what's worse is I was excited to tell you!

Yep. This is what excites me nowadays. With things so tight and me immobilized for a weeks, our entertainment has basically consisted of hospital visits and getting addicted to various TV shows. We haven't had time or in some cases with me, the ability, to go out and explore much. Right now, our only friends are the ladies at the gas station on the corner! I literally walk down the street to just talk to Gladys and Samantha who drive from Cherryville to work in "town".

We finally were able to get internet and have seriously become obsessed with Paranormal State and Lisa Williams. OK, I'm telling you this without a shred of embarrassment because we LOVE Lisa Williams, the British psychic. We love Lorraine Warren and Chip Coffey too, who consult on Paranormal State. Lorraine was the investigator/demonologist on the original Amityville Horror case. Chip Coffey is a medium who actually lives in Atlanta! OMG. Yes, obsessed and I don't care.

Other than that, we somehow managed to actually finished building the fence together – just me and Christine.  Me with one arm and C with… well… let's just say that she is a very talented marketing and sales person and made the right choice not to enter construction.  And I'm not embellishing the story to tell you we literally finished building fence in the heaviest falling snow I've seen in years! At least we didn't have to "walk 10 miles both ways to school in the snow" growing up huh?

I have started physical/occupational therapy and am doing well. And I made new friends there.  OK. They are actually my therapists but I think they are friendly. And they like my music a lot. They've been surprised at the progress, so they've reduced the time predicted of fully recovering from 18 months to 9 months. But I'm working on making them reduce that by next week. When the doctor was so negative about the prognosis for playing guitar again, I pretty much handed the CD over to the therapists and said, "here, listen to this and tell me again I won't play guitar".  I feel pretty happy now with there approach now. And the difference in a couple of weeks is awesome, even though still frustrating. And I am glad for the improvement since the injury fairy wasn't done with us quite yet.

 Apparently we hadn't seen enough of the ER.  When we built the fence we chose not to put up a privacy fence on one side, where there was already a chain-link fence in place. We thought it would be OK, but little did we know that our older neighbor (who has Alzheimer's & appears to have crushes on both of us…entirely different story there) would also develop such an obsession with our dogs that he would essentially stir them into a frenzy on a daily basis by trying to reach over the fence to pet them. Nor did we realize that all the little kids next door would use that side of the house as a cut-through, also sending the dogs into a frenzy 5 x day. 

Trying to save money we didn't have, we pulled tons of old wood and other items we found from the basement and basically started putting up a "junkyard" fence to block easy access to Casey and Sydney.  Some pieces that we were pulling apart to do that had old, rusty nails we were also removing. Somehow one afternoon when Christine was outside, she managed to find the one board that still had exposed nails sticking up and stepped directly onto it sending a long nail straight through her flip flops (yes, it can snow one day here and be flip-flop weather the next) into her foot.

The next thing I know I hear a weird scratching sound at the door with this thumping. I went to the back steps and open the door to see Casey anxiously waiting at the door and Christine trying to crawl up the steps clutching onto this nasty old board that held her pink Betty Boop flip flop, with Betty impaled directly threw the eye with a HUGE old rusty nail.  The 1" nail had almost gone ENTIRELY through her foot.  She had crawled all the way through the yard yelling for me – of course I heard nothing till Casey started scratching.

You MUST look at those photos because after pulling the nail out herself, she left the flip flop attached to the board exactly as it was and insisted we take it to the doctor to show him exactly what happened. I have to say I thought she was being a little nutty for demanding I take the board with us into the ER. But, as it turns out, she was very smart in doing that because besides tetanus which we knew about, a terrible infection can also occur when a nail pushes through a rubber sole like she had on.  The doctor said that seeing the flip flop actually made him realize that the ½" sole between her foot and the nail was quite possibly pushed up into her foot.

For a mere $3000 later, she has had x-rays, minor foot surgery (by a medical student –oy..oy..oy) and crutches (Listed as "Supplies" on the bill for which they charged $300!!!). Wow. But he was right. The x-ray showed a little chunk of Betty in the middle of C's foot.  Who knew.  As funny as that whole ordeal sounds now, it wasn't so humorous at the time for either of us. I had definitely hit a low point emotionally by then. 

 Despite some progress, if I allowed myself to give in to it the grief still tried to paralyze me. Suddenly, things got even worse for us both – she had been my "left arm", carrying things and doing stuff that was hard for me. With Christine on crutches, this became impossible. It was starting to get pretty embarrassing to go into any place together with how we looked.

Somewhere in there, frustrated and scared, I impulsively starting just selling all my guitar effects pedals and amps. I was about to sell guitars but Christine stopped me.  I just was feeling like "why bother?" and had started thinking that maybe what the doctors said was true. I had planned to auction my own Takamine with Emily Salier's autograph that says "Dawn, Play On", but Christine made me read that about 50 times and wouldn't let me.  So, I kept the guitars but completely withdrew.  I feel really bad that I have continued to ignore the few friends who keep trying to reach me.

Today I just started writing and am only confronting life again. It's not for lack of love that I have been hiding from everyone. I've basically done the same thing with everything related to Manifest Frequency too.  I tried to visit myspace a couple of times but it only made me cry. It just seemed to reflect another world that I didn't have anymore. Even though playing with any type of "band" was kinda on hiatus, it was still how I saw everything. I still haven't even talked to Matt (who played lead guitar; 99) about the move. It was too painful. My focus on what I believed I was "losing" was a pretty stupid reason for avoiding him, though. 

And then there was the issue with even having to tell anyone about this injury. I think I felt like so much had already happened that I couldn't bear to say that yet another obstacle has popped up for Dawn.  So, I just let go. I just gave up and sat with the confusion and the lost feelings of "what now?"  I hid.  I let it all overwhelm me until it started suffocating me. For the first time in my life I had no obvious plan or no obvious solution. I was off-balance and disoriented.  And that sucks.

I'm not sure what I was doing one early morning, like at 3 am,  last week when I managed to accidentally knock all my file boxes off the closet shelves hitting me (HARD) on the head. I was so mad and started basically cussing at the boxes. But after I calmed down, I noticed what was lying all around me. What had spilled out were all the notes, story lines, character drawings, brainstorms and other random bits of info I collected over the past few years for an comic book based on the approach I used in my mental health practice in Atlanta called, X-Minds. 

I had started using this approach and went to great lengths to turn my house (where my client office was also located) into a laboratory to give clients the full experience. I got the idea after I had woken up in the middle of another late night back in 2003 after visiting a comic convention for the 1^st time with a good friend, who's best friend was David Mack, the illustrator for Marvel Comic's X-Men, Daredevil, and others. I woke up with the most overwhelming realization X-Men really mimicked the experience of those with learning disabilities and special ed! I mean, it resonated so deeply with me and the work I did with education, and it gave me a "hook' that I needed to be creative with what I was doing. The X-Men training facility was disguised as a traditional boarding school for "gifted youngsters". But it was really a "special" school where future X-Men learned to harness and control their powers, which were often disruptive otherwise. They were ridiculed for being different and had to overcome challenges to reveal their true potential. How close is that to the experience of most people who grow up with a "difference" of any kind in school?

The speed and ease with which I molded my entire practice to reflect this idea continues to amaze me. It was effortless – from officially changing the practice name to X-MINDS ©2003, to redecorating the entire upstairs of my house.  My specialty was working with kids & adults who had some type of learning difference like ADHD, Autism, or Dyslexia; and I conducted comprehensive neuro-psych evaluations aimed at helping the family understand their true abilities.  The approach I took with X-MINDS was obviously rather different from any other practice I've ever seen. And honestly, I did this because the idea of working a typical 9-5 job just drained me.  

Basically, the X-MINDS approach was to reframe symptoms in a non-threatening and fun way by making the actual symptoms be represented as comic book-style "villains" and "monsters". In doing so, clients of any age really opened up to the evaluation process. They were more easily able to deal with their struggles and use their creative gifts.  I essentially created monsters for some of the most typical "symptoms" associated with various conditions like ADHD. For instance, a symptom of impulsivity was said to be caused by the villain, Pulse.  Problems with reading were caused by the monster called Illiterator and so on. In the office were portraits ("Wanted" posters) of each monster with their individual profiles.  I wrote an entire back story for this approach about how myth has always held that certain children were born as Chosen Ones. These Chosen Ones were said to have special gifts/powers that could help society. Unfortunately, an evil society (I called the Automatons) were aimed at destroying Chosen< ST1:PLACE> Ones' powers. Whenever a Chosen One's birth was detected, Automaton agents were sent to disrupt their powers. These efforts usually resulted in the Chosen One's having certain problems that were usually identified during their school years - i.e., Learning Disabilities.

It was these "problems" that usually took precedence in a kid's life. But Chosen One's powers do not completely go away - they are too strong to destroy completely. Usually, they are still buried somewhere under the "symptoms", and if you look hard enough, you'll usually find them.  During the evaluation process, the client and I worked to discover some of these "super powers" - essentially whatever they loved and did well. And the very true fact is MOST ALL INDIVIDUALS with "Disabilities" have some special abilities and gifts. I cannot tell you how many talented kids I saw, who had no awareness of their gifts – nor did their parents. Of course, the gifts were usually something not emphasized as "important" in school, like music, art, or drama. I had fun doing it.

Plus, I got to "admit" I was also a musician by incorporating my own hidden "super powers" into the process! Until I got too busy, I was asked and enjoyed going to various groups to do presentations on the approach. I would take the big monster profiles and set up the meeting in a way where people entered a "top secret" location and were prepped that what they were about to learn would change there perception forever. It's really funny as I think about it how easy all that was to pull off – and how readily people went along with the premise!  Anyway - if you want, you can read more about it at my old website - www.drdawncook.com

Yet, as was the case with many things in my life, I never really "found" time to fully develop this approach into a book or an educational resource like I talked about. Part of the reason was that I already was writing so extensively. The reports I was doing for families about their child's learning profile just kept getting longer and longer. It's like I felt I needed to tell them EVERYTHING I possibly could in those reports. The longer they got, the more people wanted them and the longer my waiting list got – and the more my head and neck started killing me. Meanwhile, as the practice alone was growing too fast to manage, my music pursuits were also growing.

Somehow, in addition to running a business I started gaining attention as a musician and was being invited to play major music conferences across the country. While my passion has always been helping others, it has certainly also been wanting to make music – even though this awareness is something I had only allowed myself to pursue once I was nearing the end of graduate school.  I have such a hunger for creating music, so once that door was opened, there was no turning back.

I think in some ways I was just overcome by finally recognizing a talent that had been so suppressed. I decided that I should plan to only pursue that, even though there were so many parts of psychology that I obviously also loved (too many I did not).  But I saw the two things as entirely different pursuits. However, now I can see that they are just both different methods toward the same end - helping others to heal.

Music is like my own secret power that keeps me strong, and playing it actually "heals" me.  But I never really used it to help others in a channeled way. I thought I had to do that another way, so I kept trying to force some collaboration between the "Dr. Dawn" and Dawn, the musician.  So, despite the years of work I had done with developing some really great ideas, I thought it was all finished.  I hadn't even unpacked anything for my office (most still in boxes at parent's house), and I really didn't plan to ever do so. I saw no reason to keep any of that in my new house.  I truly believed I had "walked away" from that part of my life.  But when a box I forgot to put in storage at my parents crashed onto my head, I found myself reading things instead of cleaning them off the floor.  It turns out that that one box actually held every single detail I had created over the years for X-MINDs. 

What I quickly realized as I read was that I had already written out "why" everything has happened to me! And beyond that, I essentially have a detailed outline for a manuscript proposal ready to submit publishers about the process we go through when confronted with life-changing challenges. I forgot that I have email after email and letter after letter with "proof" in the form of stories and anecdotes from little clients and parents regarding how much more accepting they are of their unique talents and gifts following this approach.  I have fully illustrated (although far from professionally) comic pages I did for various kid's about their condition. I have so many reminders that some of the worst experiences can be turned into the most amazing breakthroughs.

I really did not remember the length I went to in researching and developing idea for an educational book for various learning disorders. I had researched everything from the origin of super heroes to successful approaches used in books geared specifically toward teaching kids about their condition. I don't know if my brain was too packed with everything back then, or the need wasn't strong enough, but when I started looking through things last week I was blown away.  Besides the detailed "how to" ideas I had written for approaching life changes, I found something I had no recollection of even writing that astounded me even more.  I had already written the entire "back story" of Manifest Frequency and Dr. Dawn - mild mannered psychologist by day and rocker by evening who's abilities were disrupted by Automatons. I had this complex and crazy story of how and why my whole life was "shattered" last year by the Automatons to prevent the music (that actually contained secret healing vibrations) from reaching others. 

I mean, my God. I could do something really different here in reaching teens if I wanted.

When did I write all that???  Did I REALLY say life was "shattered"?? I vaguely remember now a short lived burst of creative awareness after the MS diagnosis. But that night it was like I was hit over the head - well, I was hit on the head. 

For the first time in a long while, I felt some excitement and hope.  As I read all that I had written over the last few years about "why bad things happen to good people", I felt pretty dumb. I had started looking at the "want ads" for any basic job. I was ready to just find something, anything, to do for income. But I was burned out and sad. And I truly believe that if I were to do something to just make money, the energy I have left would be evaporated through whatever work I chose to do.  I literally felt like my spirit was just draining away. Every single time a choice like this has come to me, I chose the "safety net" option. I chose the option of holding  a "real job". But with everything that has happened, I started believing that my "dreams" weren't ever going to be something that happened.  I was just holding onto them as an excuse to not get a "real job".  

Of course, it's not like I could get a job for the time being unless they were the most understanding and flexible employers in the world about my need to dart away to my parents at any given moment. Plus, what I owe now is too much to make through typical means. I already went bankrupt, what else is there?

It's unbelievable how answers are always right in front of us if we look.   kept trying so hard to figure out "what I am supposed to be doing with my life" - But I already planned it out. I am not supposed to just "play" music. Music is not the end goal. It is the vehicle through which I can use my abilities to connect with and help others.  I am driven to get these ideas out to others who need to hear that someone understands what they are going through – be it kids or adults. I know I would have loved it as a child who was always in trouble in school for talking too much or not finishing my work. I would have loved to hear it even last week before the head bonking incident. 

It is a little scary to be writing this out in the open where anyone in the world could read it.  It's not my revealing my personal journey that's so scary , it's more about saying I am driven to do something knowing that any given moment, I will likely grow frustrated and discouraged again. Although those feelings are at best temporary and inevitably and consistently replaced by these ideas. And honestly, I'm suspecting that every person who tries to do something good fights those feelings.  I think it's also just scary to say this is what I want to do because that takes away the choice to be invisible.  But I hate being invisible - no one should have to be.

I have just been surviving day to day, but I want to start thriving.  I know that my obligations right now are to be here to help my mom and dad.  I know I am very limited in resources or even my time and ability to promote Manifest Frequency's music or anything else. But I can take at least one big step in making everything come together as it should – I can simply start. I can just start writing out my thoughts and set them free. I have been so consumed everyday with figuring out "how" to pay this or that bill. I'm so behind and can hardly keep up with the million calls I get about an "urgent business matter for Dawn Cook".  So, much time has gone into trying to work with the hospital system and the physical therapy group to pay what I owe.  My mom has been begging me to apply for disability, but that feels just awful. I am not disabled. I don't want a permanent "pass" saying I am not capable of working! That seems about as far away as I could get from expecting success.  I just need some time and help right now.

It seems no plan our government, health care or anyone else has covers this emergency state I'm in unless I agree that I'm permanently disabled and not capable of taking care of myself.  That's just not true –  it's hard to believe there's nothing in between being completely disabled and perfectly healthy and thriving.  I mean, my situation is different because of the whole higher education, Ph.D. thing. I am not physically and chronically disabled.  I am capable of working some type of job.  But see, it's a little tricky because I chose to go to school for over 10 years. For whatever reason, they are now sorta expecting that I pay back what I borrowed for the right to be educated and to have my career. I understand that. I had no problem with being expected to pay my loans. I just didn't see this all coming.  Having $70K in student loans to face when you experience a career/financial/medical crisis is terrifying.  Then you add more than ½ that amount in medical debt from the past year, be unable to work for an extended period, and throw in an unpredictable prognosis -and you get panic attacks, inability to sleep, hysterical crying and tension that will make your neck snap. I worked 24/7 to stay ahead of my education debt, but the monthly payment amount is based on working full time as a psychologist, seeing 30 patients per week.  So, honestly, that was also a big part of the conflict I had in just "walking away" from the career. I don't know – maybe that'll help you feel better when YOU feel trapped in your career. LOL. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about that. We are looking at getting more deferments. Of course, this was the issue that really got my mom started on disability  because apparently if I were to meet disability requirements, all the loans would be wiped out. Whoa OK. I'm admitting that one gave me pause.

But, for now, what I had decided to do was just sell whatever I don't need at this point. I figure I'll just try to build whatever "buffer" I can while beginning to search for avenues through which I can use my music. There's no other option right now. Anyway, I know it can be successful. And I don't think it would be right or respectful to those who are actually forced to be on disability. I'm sure anyone in that situation would want to have the choice to work if they could regain their health. It just feels like it'd be bad karma. I know that if I can get the music into the right hands, it will all come together.  I also think that I'm supposed to publish X-MINDS, and have had some ideas of a way to do something no one else is really doing in tying the two things together.  What if I can get some big ADHD/LD organizations online to distribute my music as a companion CD to the comics? There might be a lot of options in that direction.

So, that gives me some hope. It gives me something to work for and to want to raise money for – beyond the stupid bills I have. Another speck of hope on the horizon (albeit a LARGE speck) is that I won a contest through SonicBids last year to license some of my songs for film and TV through a Canadian record label, Octobertunes, and larger production company, RCD Music http://www.rcdmusic.com.  In the end, six of the 7 songs on my debut CD, Deconstructing Frequency, were actually licensed by them.  We had been playing the hopeful waiting game to hear that a TV show or Film was interested but hadn't heard anything in a while.  The night I got home from surgery I had an email informing me that they had entered a partnership with Sony Pictures Television, and had submitted my songs to them. Sony was offering a pretty nice "pre-clearance" rate if they chose to use any one of my songs in one of their shows. In the end, we agreed on a non-exclusive deal where Sony will pay a pre-determined amount each time they decide to use a song, and reruns of the same show are consider new uses. I try to remind myself when I start feeling too scared that it's entirely possible that any given day I could get the call to give my "go ahead" for Sony to use something in particular show that week.  That's all it would take to shift things dramatically.  I am very aware that it is completely infeasible to just sit and wait for that, but I don't think it's ridiculous to have faith that it's more than possible.

So, things are happening to suggest a better day is coming. It's hard to really judge when the tide is turning while you are trying not to drown in the midst of it. Everything is harder to do when you are trying to stay afloat. It's like a double burden – you still have all the normal daily stresses like anyone else, but you are also functioning in crisis management mode. And despite my sounds of optimism, it is really still a crisis.  It seems I can't catch up on everything that is so behind. Everyday I'm racing against the clock to find money to pay something someone's threatening to turn off.  And I realize that the next few months will undoubtedly be some of the hardest yet!  My mom and dad are the only family I have ever known and all I have, with the exception of Christine now.  I'm so grateful that I get to spend time with and say goodbye to my dad. But being forced to think about his final days was definitely easier when I was "removed" from him. My dad has always been an "energizer bunny" like me, so it's hard to see him as he is now. Estrangement can be a soothing buffer.

It's the times like these when you confront your basic beliefs and assumptions about life.  I have talked so much about how we all "create our own reality" and "What you believe is what you receive".  I haven't done a great job of living by that lately. I've had only doubt. It was too easy to fall into a habit of just feeling bad and overwhelmed.   But I'm trying one step at a time right now –it's like quitting smoking.  I am going to do my best to assume that support is right around the corner if I just believe it. I'm going to "work out" my hope every day. This is obviously a huge crossroads where my decision will mold the next phase of my life. I just can't give up on this, but I am also not too proud to say I really need some major encouragement and support. 

I am going to assume that CD I am so proud of, will be officially released in a grand way. But just some words of advice to you at this point – NEVER EVER TITLE SOMETHING YOU ARE SO PASSIONATE ABOUT A NAME THAT YOU ARE NOT READY TO LIVE OUT!  I mean, Deconstructing Frequency?  Come on! It really has become the Soundtrack to my life.

But alas, thus ends the world's longest blog – or the end of whatever delivery method has brought this to you.   If you can go to Ebay, check out the goodies, and bid on something you like – Awesome! You can order a digital download of the CD (and stand to benefit financially yourself) or make a contribution to Frequency Rising PayPal fund account using the email drdawnmfq@yahoo.com as the account email address. Include your name, address, and email. Any size investment is certainly welcomed.  You can even help by just passing this info on to someone else!

If nothing else, here's your chance to invest in something that will hopefully be a good thing for a lot of people in the future. Your help means everything. I'll do my best to keep you informed of what comes next. I deeply appreciate your involvement in helping rebuild something to a better and stronger level. Thanks for listening to my story and for trying to understand the journey. 

And finally, regarding my self-revealing and probably embarrassing ramblings (when I read this again tomorrow), I'll just leave you with the words of Phillip Seymour Hoffman's character in Almost Famous, "The only real currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're un-cool". Well, if that's true then I'm a rich person right about now.

Thanks for the faith,

Dawn

"What You Believe Is What You Receive. Choose Your Frequency"

Buy a Digital Download of Deconstructing Frequency       

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