Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I'm pessimistic. Maybe I'm whining. Whatever judgements of me u make to help yourself feel better, you are welcome to make them. If by revealing my deepest vulnerabilities in my last blog (ok, novel... whatever...shut up) I've invited more pain, then it is what it is. Thank u Teresa. Thank u my new friend I've never met from Belgium (you can have a CD anyway...dont worry). Thanks to these 2 people who offered encouraging words and some hope. Thank you Christine for trying to reach out to friends. I truly regret that I am not strong enough to be just fine, but instead I keep yearning so desparately for some other people to notice that bit by bit I've been vanishing here. I really hate that I needed something so badly that it never came. It's not like it was a big deal I was asking of u - I wasn't asking you to move in and cook me dinner and feed me grapes every night or something. But you couldn't even just buy a stupid CD?

Maybe I made it seem like I've already made it through the fire and am now trying to emerge on the other side. But that just ain't true. I guess I just drew a huge bullseye upon my chest by asking for encouragement right now Maybe I expected too much. Or maybe I'm just not saying things the "right" way. Maybe I'm making assumptions but I am pretty darn sure assumptions are being made about me at this point. Or then again, maybe no one has given a thought to any of my problems because you have too many of your own. I understand that. Seriously, I do.

I get that your life is busy. I get that you don't have time to read a 20 page blog asking you to give me some little "sign" that I should go on. That's ridiculous of me anyway to make it seem like I'm relying on you for a question as big as that. But I want you to honestly try to tell me you haven't ever felt the same way! Tell me you haven't questioned life or ever doubted yourself. Tell me you have never turned to music when you feel bad, and tell me it's never made u feel better. It's possible, I guess, that I'm just wrong about everything. Maybe no one else feels the way I do. Maybe you don't like to know personal struggles of the artists you like. I just don't know - I have no idea.

But, I mean, seriously, have u stopped listening to music? I mean, what do I have to do to just get someone to buy a CD? If I had doubts at this point about the quality of this music, I'm sure I would blame it all on that. I'm sure I would assume it's just no good, so no one wants to buy crap. But that's probably the only thing I am not doubting at this point.

Maybe you are afraid I've embedded viruses in the links to the CD. I don't know! I WISh I were that technically savvy... if I were, then I could have probably found a better way b4 now to create the stupid button (that was supposed to be easy) in the blog without having all the crazy little programming words pop up next to it. It took me two days to try to figure out how to do that so a link would go to my paypal account where you will download the songs. That's all I'm asking u to do. I made sure it was going through one of the safest methods of onlline payment. I've had idea after idea of what we can do to get some support. I have "believed" "Believed" "Believed" until I'm blue in the face. So, maybe I got my answer. Maybe you've told me - duh.

Well, then, you basically suck! I am pissed off and I'm tired of settling for this. I am freakin sorry if I am seeming to just be pitiful and depressed. But give me a break!!! So what if I'm upset. So what? I'm angry that my dad is dying. I'm angry that I have to go through this. I'm angry and hurt that he does not believe in music and causes me to doubt too. But I believe it's OK for me to be angry. I don't want advice. Everyone can take their judgements and leave me alone. I'm not settling for that anymore. I'm not settling for anything or anyone besides real people. I'm not "settling" for anything anymore.

Whether or not you believe in spiritual attacks, I do now. But just try to beat me. Just keep trying. I dare you - You will not win. I may be down as I've ever been right now - but I'm not out. U never have to settle unless u want to settle. I will not. I refuse to let the forces conspiring to beat me win. I refuse to accept that I cannot make it through this. I refuse to believe that this is not happening for a reason.

If you want to fight with me, then do it. Buy a CD or something. Play my music loud. Scream. Cry. Do something. Do anything. But do it soon.
Deconstructing Frequency is Available.