Is where I've .... I would say flown but it's more like fallen... ejected...something unatural and a little more than uncomfortable ....
Anyway... I'm obviously not myself. I'm hoping that if I'm aware of that, it's not quite as bad as I'm thinking... You ever have a time when you felt like you knew you were making things worse but you just couldn't keep yourself from doing it anyway?
Yep - yesterday's blog for me .... only one of many choices like that for me lately... It's just when you get that feeling like you are about to split open, it all has to go somewhere... That venting wasn't directed at anyone in particular - except maybe my own demons... Isn't that always who it's really directed at anyway? There's something about living in a house you remember only from childhood - it's just all so surreal being here in my grandparent's old house... There's so much old, residual pain here. And it's not mine - it doesnt belong to either of us. Of course, I've added plenty too...
I'm just so grateful for Christine being here - and I'm grateful that because of all we've been through here, she and I have both rekindled relationships with our mothers. If anything, this is the one enormous, huge gift from these struggles. Both Christine's mother and mine are extraordinary women who are able to show their love to us - both of us. My grief over so many selfish things seems to cloud everything right now - for that, I have a lot of guilt. I want to handle things better - I just keep chanting "flexibility, flexibility". I want to be stronger for my parents. It's just when you realize "this is exactly the situation you've avoided", it's hard not to feel things closing in around u. I always felt closed in here in NC - getting to the bottom of that is not something I thought I'd be having to do right now...
There was always somewhere to go back to when I started feeling this here. It's just so painful. Even when we think we are over something or have grown more mature, those things have a way of coming back. Confrontation always is hard - whether it's exactly what you need or not. The root of my self-destructive tendency to "please" others is right here. I'm so scared about my hand and whether I'll play guitar again. I'm scared that if I give in to working on something else to make $ to pay bills, I'll never make this music thing work. It seems naive and selfish, I'm certain, to my parents to be worrying so much about that. They just don't get it - they've never gotten to really see this side of me. I thought performing here could help them realize, but it's not working out that way. I know that right now I just need to stay strong but I'm not doing a very good job. I cry way too much.
BTW - about the pictures with the head.... (sorry Teresa - thought C had mentioned that to u already..lol) Casey and Sydney keep escaping from the backyard - no matter what we try to do they have mastered the art of disappearing... we were working on that issue, yet one more time, when one of the bricks we were using for reinforcement fell on my head - hard to explain exactly but it was an enormous concrete brick...enormous... oy oy oy.... that's all we both have to say - that and gross. Still gross since there's still basically a big sore blob of blood caught in my hair...And at this point, it's turned into concrete itself. Can't pull it out or the wound opens since I decided not to get stitches... BTW - diluted hydrogen peroxide is the trick C found online for getting blood out of hair.
I couldnt make myself go to the ER one more time, but it was gushing so bad C didn't want to take any chances and called 911... I wouldn't say we've had the most elegant or understated introduction to the neighborhood to this point... Why do they have to send the huge fire engine with the ambulance? I understand protocol and all that but people just kept appearing in the front door - including 1/2 the neighborhood. Why were they all home in the middle of a work day anyway??? No matter how charming you try to be, there's just no good way to meet someone for the first time when your bleeding.
oh well... just felt like writing more now that I'm a little less.... um... irritable... And Jamie..... thank u. I miss u ...and I'm touched... U made me cry (: I meant to mention u and Gara and thank u before now.... But remember I'm feeling entirely self-centered and pitiful right now... just ask Christine.
Tommorow I'll start again -Monday's To Do list: laundry, mail stuff, visit dad, call student loan people, call phone company, go to occupational therapy, figure out life, tell Christine I love her, sell another CD.
Deconstructing Frequency
