I keep on putting off blogging about stuff cuz I can hardly believe what's happening and I'm lazy and I don't have easy net access and I don't know what to share or what not to.  I keep on feeling that I'm sinking or that I want to sink. I'm beaten somewhat but more truly alive than I've been in years.  I am broke, lazy, and afraid to try things to solve my problems.  Things which have worked in the past.  It's like I want to dig my claws in and die.  But this place has given me some true beauty, even though everything is insane. 

I have been rejected by someone very important to me - or worse - treated like I didn't exist.  I'm blowing lots of people off...and when I'm not intentionally doing it, it seems to be happening anyway.  The system keeps losing me, and I keep trying to find a place to set my feet into solid - or solid -er ground.  (Hard to do in a swamp.)

 New Orleans is not the source of my problems. Nawlins is the source of real. She loves me, and she missed me, and she has slapped me on the face a few times but only because I'm so arrogant and cold.  But I'm not telling you anything when I'm saying this!!  It's good to have been here and drawn in for 2 mos.  The storm coming is the kick in the ass needed to send me back to Santa Fe and stop feeling sorry for myself and prepare for my return. 

My landlady is selling my house in SF.  She can't guarantee that I'll have a place to stay. (It's going on the market in sept.) So I gotta go back and clean house and prepare to get on with the rest of my life.  There is a storm headed here as you know.  I've kinda been overwhelmed with daily life but also escaping it.  I'm in awe that I'm in a good mood and I want to live.  But I'm afraid to get off my arse and try to do something about it.

I'm not writing as I should be to keep track.

I do feel indeed that I'm living in this grand epic story that  I used to be a part of.  Part I was the intro.   I'm living in Part II - or the beginnings of it.  Everything is going much deeper than the first part.  And the truth is that this story is so real!  I just don't have the words...but I'm gathering.  (Need to hunt too.)

Anyway my friend Shannon (Jack's girl) is driving a caravan outta here and  probly headed to Dallas.  It depends on a lot of things.  I think I'll take a bus from wherever that is.  I have some desire to stay and witness...that is a holy thing.  I want to put it into words.  But maybe it would be best to get myself *all*  the way here...with all my stuff - so I can be more effective.  I have a computer, a guitar, papers...things which help me to do things I need.  Wow I gotta go but anyway I love you guys...