My bad y'all it's been 2 weeks since my last rant and to keep it real, I just got a little lazy. Been writing these for nearly a year and a half and I was a little burnt out! But, I'm back bee-yotches with that mo' fiyah! So with no further ado:
There's a saying that I always say to myself (and to whoever is listening to me ramble on at any given time) when I see a big girl who actually has a little sexy to her waddle. It goes: "If you gon' be a fat bitch, that's how you be a fat bitch!" So, this is my little tutorial to all the big girls!
If you gon' be a fat bitch, show off that giant cleavage! It's like the only good part about a big girl! Even if you know damn well you have no interest in hitting that, you can't help but give a second thought to seeing what a pair of 36Fs look like out of a bra! Is that crass? Of course it is! But, it's also true. Take the girls out and put em' on display. We men are a simple creature. You show us some "boobie nipple" and we will hone in on those cookie-sized areolas and completely forget that there's a beer gut right below that we're normally disgusted by. Sometimes we're hypnotized until the next morning when we wake up and realize how horrible our drunken actions were last night and swear of Patron yet again for 55th week in a row!
If you gon' be a fat bitch, still wear heels! Ain't nothing worse than seeing some big chick in flats in the club cuz her calves hurt! There's a reason all them skinny bitches be wearing 4 inch heels, CUZ IT'S SEXY DAMMIT! You know the saying, if you can't beat em', join em! Well join in and take of them ugly sparkly $5 flats in the club. Those are house shoes and for quick runs to the bodega to get bacon! I don't care if they match your outfit, they're wack and you're wack for wearing them!
If you gon' be a fat bitch, do not try to tell me you don't know how to cook! You are not allowed to be 5'4" and weigh 240 and have the audacity to look me in the eye and talk about you don't know how to make no southern fried chicken and collards! Unacceptable! Besides giant boobie nipples, what other reason is there to be with a big girl other than you know damn well you gonna get a good meal out of it?!?! Well maybe if I get jumped by 3 cats, I know you can at least take one of dem dudes for me so, I can focus on the other 2! But that's it! Giant fun bags, a sparring partner and an excellent chef! Get on your job!
So, I repeat, "If you gon' be a fat bitch, that's how you be a fat bitch." I like this one, might have to do a part II :)
I need all y'all to come out on Saturday night to Deco Lounge (95 Leonard St. – corner of Leonard and Broadway) as there's gonna be a huge bday extravaganza as my boy Omar "The Big O" Hamilton celebrates his born day. Ladies are free before 11 and there's a open bar from 10 – 11. We're also jam-packed with DJs as Kaos, John Dowe, Parlay and Young Guru (of Rocafella fame) will all be taking turns on the wheels. If you trying to roll, holla at the kid named Kee (sorry that was my late 80s moniker lol). Real talk though, if you trying to roll, just holla at me! Gotta give a quick bday shout out to my girl Leslie also who will be in the house, poppin bottles for her birth anniversary as well.
If that ain't enough for y'all, I even got you for next week as there will be a SKYY Infusions event going down Tuesday night at HighBar (251 W. 4th @ 8th Ave) from 8 – 11. I'm talking you'll be part of a 8 city country wide launch event for SKYY Infusions, and amongst the 1st to partake in this new offering. Just RSVP by calling 888-861-0008 or clicking here:
http://unorthodoks.com/design/skyy/index_NY.html
Keenan "Big Girls Need Love Too, Just Not From Me" Davis