I was living up to my alias, "Young Frequent Flier Miles", last week as I made a trip down to Colombia, South America for the long weekend so, my bad for not getting my rants and raves out to ya'. All you get is a "my bad" cuz I'm not really that sorry lol, seeing the globe is a bit more important to me than humoring you people week in and week out :) Anyway, I got a bunch of feedback from my last rant, "If You Gon' Be" so, I decided to keep the party going and hit y'all with the Part II.
So, as I was saying, if you gon' be a fat bitch, do not hang out with 5 other big chicks! It just looks like a herd of buffalo in the club. Dudes might dance with one BBW on the low but, it's hard to be on the creep when there's literally 1000 lbs. of women posted up in the back of the club wondering aloud why they gotta be closing the kitchen all early! Now don't get me wrong, don't had out with a bunch of skinny bitches either cuz that's just asking for you to be standing alone while those other malnourished chicks get all the dudes or you're gonna wind up only getting a dance with my boy who's obligated to play wingman and hold you down for a song or two while I get your girl's number. Find some nice medium-sized friends to kick it with who ain't gonna outshine you to much but, will still help bring the fellas over!
If you gon' be a fat bitch, only eat at home and/or in quality restaurants. Ain't nothing worse than seeing some Roseanne of a woman, eating 4 chicken wings and French fries on the 3 train at 8:00 a night. We don't care if you're hungry, HELL of course you're hungry but, goddamn wait it out 4 more stops like the rest of us and get home first. You're gross! And if you gonna get your lil' Miss Piggy on when you go out to eat, at least go to a nice restaurant to get it poppin'! I hate going to BBQs (especially the one in Chelsea) cuz it looks like a bunch of cows grazing up in there. I know, I know, you can get 2 half chickens for $9, and them crispy wings is like crack but, goodness gracious please stop making me watch you with your greasy, shiny fingertips and red sauce on your mu-mu! It makes me hate you for you!
If you gon' be a fat bitch, let's just keep it at that! That's enough! Easy with all the extra amenities. You're huge, we already see you! Fat bitch and blond Mohawk don't go together! Fat bitch and baldy don't go together! Purple eyeliner, purple lipstick, purple blush and fat bitch don't go together! Keep it simple, get a weave and some clear lip gloss, show off those 38Fs, act jolly like Santa and keep it moving. On a slightly related note of just keeping it simple! Please don't go to the club and think you can do all the moves the skinny bitches do. I'm 31 years old and I don't try to do the chicken noodle soup cuz it ain't for me. I'm a guy and I don't do the dutty whine cuz it ain't for me. If your weight is a respectable batting average in the pros (that's at least 270 for my non-sports fans), you have no business doing the following dances:
The Uh-Oh, Uh-Oh Beyonce Dance
The Flo-rida "Get Low, Low, Low, Low, Low" Dance
Pop, Lock and Drop It
Any splits in any club at any time anywhere
You are making a spectacle of yourself and people are watching cuz it's funny to watch a big girl get stuck a little too low, low, low and not be able to get back up, up, up on beat!
Keenan "OK, I Admit It, I Hit Off A Big Girl Or Two In My Day" Davis