Seriously.....did I do things right?  Have I handled my life right?  I've stayed clean of all but my thoughts.  They are just so hard to control; they slip back to places I don't want to go.  Have I not dealt with stuff in life well enough to be rid of it and move on?  Why can't I move on?  Or have I and I just don't really know it?  Or does anyone really?  Or do most people just ignore stuff in live in their own creation?

I hate how utterly alone I have felt for the past year, almost 2 now.  And yet I won't let myself be filled by anything that I know is only cheap, fleeting and temporary.  So I remain empty holding out for the promise of that which is supposed to sustain and fulfill me. God have you forgotten about me?

I long for the presence of another.  A friend, a comrade.  Come hold my hand, someone.  I hate doing life on my own.




and a couple last thoughts.  It's been on my mind: weddings.  Will I ever ever have one?  And will I ever be in one?  The only people who ever said that: "you for sure, without a doubt will be in my wedding" are anythng but a apart of my life anymore.  And I creep through people's facebook pictures, and see friends in other friends' weddings I wonder if my worst fears have come true: I have lots of friends, but no best friend; no one who I can see would consider it an honour to have me share that special day of theirs.  I would consider it an honour to be in someone's wedding party; but I don't see it ever happening; at least not from where I stand. 
A small part of me cringes to listen to those who are younger than me excitedly talk about these kinds of dreams.  Part b/c I think: just you wait; you won't be friends in two years; things change like night changes to day.  But then part I cringe b/c i'm jealous, jealous of their untainted trust; jealous b/c it likely will happen for them as they wish.

I can't help think in terms of kharma.  Not that I adhere to any such belief; but does what goes around come around?  Do I deserve the hardship b/c I've done something wrong?

One one day at a time.

But I still wonder wonder wonder.