That's really the only title I have.  "WTF?!" just seemed too general of a statement.


So there's this a girl I've known since she was born.  She's an adult now, married and a mother, and every so often a blog/bulletin is posted about how upset or lonely or just plain unhappy she is with things.  Seems to be with life in general.  Now, no one is questioning that she loves her children, husband or family.  As far as I know, no one (including myself) considers her a bitch.  However, it is difficult to sit back and simply read about how she feels her life is passing her by and how relatively unfulfilled she feels.  Again, this does not reflect her children or marriage - this is about personal fulfillment.  Those things in life that are our interests and hobbies that make us feel like a complete person.

Unfortunately, she keeps hoping things will get better, saying things like "it always gets worse before it gets better."  So the last thing I wanted to share with her were platitudes of emptiness (Katy, Nici and Ashley will back me up here).  They're horrible things to say to someone who really seems to be unhappy.  You don't want to say things that only make the surface better.  Not only does it show that you have no compassion for the depth of their concerns, but you insult them by trivializing what's really going on with them in their life.  I offered her some good advice about finding ways to make herself happy and that she has to start doing these things because they just won't fall into her lap.

I suggested she read a couple of books, The Feminine Mystique and The Second Stage, both by Betty Friedan.  I recommended both because reading one will send most women into ultra-left liberal femi-nazi mode.  Believe me, I know, I've read it. I've been it.  However, with reading the second one also brings the issues back to more of a center place.  The overwhelming message in TFM is that women cannot and will not be completely fulfilled being ONLY a wife and mother and having no life or social/personal interests.  TSS (written about 20-25 years later) comes back and says that neither do women who ONLY have careers wind up fulfilled.  Now granted, you and I both know there are exceptions to these rules.  But as Justin Long says in He's Just Not That Into You, "You're not the exception, you're the rule."  Case in point: this girl would be happy 24/7 with exactly how her life is.

Well, no good deed goes unpunished as they say.  She has (like so many women before her) not listened to what was really written, much less the intent behind it. She is very young and despite being a young mother, she has and deserves every right to be happy.  She apparently feels that I think she's a bitch (where that came from WTF knows).  She is always berrating herself, saying she's stupid or naive or insert adjective here - I told her she most definitely wasn't stupid.  Thousands of women wouldn't understand what she's going through if in fact the mystique didn't exist.  No matter how much we educate girls to not settle for what they've been handed and to expect and strive for more for themselves, there always have to be some who learn it the hard way.  I hate that for her.  She's been through enough and I just don't think she deserves to have to go through more crap to get to the end result: happiness (although, I'm afraid she might).

She wants to be happy, but she's lonley.  She has three children (two of which are biologically hers), but while they are fulfilling the nuturing and mother portion of her heart, she still lacks the intimate connection with her husband (not sex, itimacy - deep emotional and spiritual connection).  All she wants is to be a good mother, a good wife and a good nurse who helps to save the lives of others.  All are wonderful and fantastic things.  I truly hope the nursing is really what makes her happy and isn't something she is just settling on - I hope she fights for the best of what she wants.  My only question is, while she's being a good wife to her husband, is he being a good husband to his wife?  Granted, I have never met this man, but I have read her blogs.  I see a lot of his personality coming through, through her.  The fact that he calls her stupid at various times is not a promising start - because if he really KNEW this girl, he'd know she's not the least bit stupid.  He "relaxes" elsewhere with friends leaving her home to take care of the kids and home.  It appears they don't go out and do special things (aside from dinner and a movie if I remember correctly), so there is no "romancing" going on (which can result in a lack of intimacy).  I've not once read about how he helps out around the house (aside from perhaps "men's work"), takes the kids for a day, gives her a spa day so she can relax and be pampered like she should, have her makeup done professionally for a day, buy her a nice dress to go somewhere special (see above), etc.  I'm not saying that muddin' and four-wheelin is not fun.  I know it is, I've done it.  But to think that's how every girl wants to be romanced and to spend her time is ludicrous.

I think what bothers me the most is her mindset about what should happen were he to cheat.  Would he be secretive?  Yes.  Rarely are they not.  What can you do to stop it?  Demand the respect you deserve.  If you fight with your husband everytime you want or deserve respect, then he doesn't respect you, never respected you and won't respect you in the future.  You deserve your happiness as much as he does.  His job is not tougher or harder.  Neither is yours.  However, I would bet you'd survive a hell of a lot longer doing what he does than he would being a stay-at-home dad and househusband.  You do not deserve to be cheated on.  You deserve to be with someone who knows your worth (which is more than I think you think it is).  You should both be working together to make each other and your family happy and harmonious as often as possible.  Caving and letting people who may or may not pitch fits (and who are over the age of 4) is not a way to be happy.  You will continue to be walked over and that will begin to bleed into the rest of your life.  You deserve to be strong, happy, healthy and respected by every man you encounter, not just your husband.  Your boys should respect you also.  They're young enough you can teach them how to really respect and value women.  A trait sorely lacking in today's men and boys.

Overall, I'm a bit peeved over the nochalance given to my words.  They were not there to tear you down or make you feel bad, but they were there to tell you the truth.  You want someone to say it to your face, rather than behind your back?  I could if I had a way of contacting you besides Face/Space.  And it can't be behind your back when it's there for you to read.  Behind your back would be posting something on Live Journal or Blogger and you 'discovering' it.  I don't play games and I sure as hell don't bullshit behind someone's back who I care about (and who CLAIMS to care about me).  You may be a puppy, babe, but I've watched a lot of puppies get chewed up by the big dogs because they weren't ready to listen when they should have.  Do I like your husband?  Not from the impression I've gotten from him over the last few years through your blogs.  Is that an entirely accurate portrayal?  No, but I have nothing else to go on.  Should I meet him in the future and actually 'get to know him,' I'll be able to revise my opinions should they need revising.  I don't trust him.  I don't think he cares for you nearly the way you care for him (especially since you're doing all the giving, and I don't mean financially).  I think you spend a lot of time questioning yourself on Face/Space about why you are or aren't happy.  And I think you want the answer, but that you're afraid of what it really is.  Well, I don't bullshit the people I care about.  I lay it out.  They don't have to like it, agree with it, or acknowledge it.  However, they DO have to understand it and not falsly accuse me of "going behind their back" or misinterpretting what I've said as being a slant against them.  I have no reason to lie to you and I sure as hell have nothing to gain.  But friends are supposed to stick their asses out there for their friends when they think they're in trouble and I think you're on the path toward trouble.  I think there are things you can do to prevent major problems in the future, but you can't lay down and die everytime you are confronted with negativity or resistance.  You deserve everything you want and especially everything you need.  I can't tell you what that is - only you can.  Hence why I suggested to you to read the books.  They might lead you in the right direction to figure it out - you deserve to do that for yourself and no one else.

Women who never escape the mystique suffer worse than they could or should have.  Haven't you had enough crap in life to not want want to deal with more?  I have.  TSS was a wake-up call for me.  Like I said, TFM made me a femi-nazi for women's rights, but there is more to us and that's what the TSS taught me.  I speak from experience (actually, experience from the opposite spectrum).  It takes someone who's been unhappy to recognize others who are unhappy, and I WANT you to be happy.

Whatever happens from this point is whatever happens.  Seeing as how I never received shower invites (of any kind), I have a pretty good idea of where I stand in the grand scheme of things with you.  I don't expect miracles and I'm not one for holding all of my chickens in one bastket.  I prefer to be pleasantly surprised if I'm going to do anything.  I hope your doctor's appt goes well and that you received the best news possible.  Congrats on the new boy - I hope he's happy and healthy as well.