I'm fucking losing my mind.

People are disappearing from the face of the earth, it's as if they never existed, leaving me to wonder if I ever really knew them, had memories with them, done stuff with them, or whether my brain simply created these imaginary memories in some insane state of a pulsating mass of meat transmitting electrical signals.

What the fuck is going on?

Darkness surrounds me, all I see is the bright light from my laptop screen, I could be anywhere. My brain tells me that I am in my warm bed, but honestly, I'm not sure if I really trust it anymore. For all I know I could be soaring through the clouds, at 33,000 feet, on my way to the swiss alps to feel the cold of the white snow, or could be sitting in an empty field, with grass growing as far as the eye can see. Or at least perceive. If space and time are infinite, then I must have been here before. Everywhere.

I've been everywhere before. That's why I have a rush of Deja Vu everywhere I go, like taking a relaxing swim in a flowing verse of hot lava. it should be startling, and it is; but it also never fails to surprise me, catch 'em off guard every time- Fuck I've been here before, I can tell. It's like I'm playing chutes and ladders in time, revisiting futures which I already have predicted. That same conversation again, only this time it's different, instead of a red shirt, she's wearing a blue one; instead of jeans she's wearing nothing, but it's all the same. Her words are the same as they were that other time, only this time I'm not listening at all, I'm just gazing at the clashing senses of familiar and unfamiliar, it's the same but different, every cell of my body has felt this way before, but this has never happened, I'm insane. Peach optima, yeah that's the smell, but this time it is the wafting smoke of sage that drifts into my nostrils. Where am I? Every place I've been, every road I've traveled, every hand I've shaken, every scoop of ice cream I have had-they all are merged into one, one familiar object that I can not escape, there is nothing new, it is all the same. Like a sitcom where every joke is either about the color of the main character's tie, or the fact that the coffee maker went off late, resulting in tardiness for work, which caused quite the stir next to the water cooler.

"Hey Bob, did you hear what happened to Jim? Yeah his coffee maker alarm clock went off late, and he was an hour and a half late for work! I guess you can't trust coffee!" But what Bob is forgetting, is that the same exact thing happened to his wife last winter, only instead of being late for work, she was late to pick her sister up from the hospital, and she died in grief that day when she was sitting in the loneliness of her mind, knowing that no one cared enough to set a real fucking alarm clock.

And as I sit here in the empty black stillness of the night, I wonder if this is real. Am I the last person on the earth? It sure sounds like it. No one breathes, no one snores, all I hear is the peaceful incessant lapping of the ocean waves outside my window. I wonder if the waves are real. Or are they some advanced part of this experiment? Are they generated in some huge tank, like at the water parks? How the fuck can a moon so far away make those waves? What the fuck? Why did I ever believe that lie in the first place? What a fucking joke. Science is a joke. God was I ever brain washed by science. Dinosaurs! What the fuck is a dinosaur! Yeah right! It's like a fucking game show, called "How much can we get this kid to believe?" starring yours truly, only I don't know I'm actually in it. I never signed a fucking waiver of consent! But then again, a waiver is meaningless anyways, because it's just another god damn part of the game show.

I'm a character in a video game full of precoded loops and repetitions, cars driving along a set path, events happening along a set course, people saying things perfectly written in their scripts, fuck. FUCK! And of course, by believing in this monster, I give it further power. How do you know if this is real and not a dream? It's all a fucking spark in an 8 pound piece of gray meat. So what the fuck?

I can't deal with this silent insanity, the empty earth, I'm the last man alive on the planet. I must go to nature, sit on the beach and look at the stars. Even if they are fake, or programmed, they were sure programmed damn well. Looking at the night sky while sitting on the beach makes me wonder, makes me really wonder if it all actually is real, but then I quickly forget about this when I ride the metal bus, or shop in Ralph's supermarket. How could we have simply paved over nature? You have to own a piece of land to live on it! What the fuck? Who the fuck decided that we should take this magnificent piece of nature, and chop it into squares, and sell each square? This is what makes me think its all a fucking joke, all a fucking game, all a blindfold, all a ridiculous T.V. show.

Oh fuck it.