In thinking through all of my past blogs and a majority of the songs I've written, I've realized that I'm most inspired when I am sad. I'm sure no one would argue that there is nothing like loss to make you completely self-aware and reflective. And though the past two and a half years of my life have been by far the most challenging and tough, they have also, without a doubt, been the best.

It's also strange to think that though I have been a Christian now for almost 10 years, that I am just now starting to understand our God. Maybe it's that I'm just now starting to really listen. A certain chain of events brought me to this place…a new best friend, heartbreak, heartbreak, college graduation, lack of direction and more heartbreak. I distinctly remember riding in the car last August with my friend to a four year old's birthday party. We were talking about how confused I felt about life in the wake of graduation. He said I could be sure that God had me right where God wanted me to be. And it was then that I came to the realization that I had never for one moment had to fully need or rely on God…until that day. Up to then I had my parents, their financial support, direction (up through college), and more amazing friends than ANYONE deserves to have. I was blessed. But the lack of direction that started the day after I received my college diploma…the "now what?" spiraled me into complete confusion as to where to turn for comfort. God, of course. Right? But how…I didn't even know I'd never done that before. I was a Christian, for gosh sakes.

I started listening last August. It is now February. And here's how good the Lord is: Slowly, but surely, everything has been stripped away…my personal dreams for my future, my best friend, my job…and you better believe I am listening now.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13-16)

I've known that verse forever…but I didn't understand it until now. God planned everyday for us before one of them even happened. He knew my heart would be broken…but He also knew what He was doing when He gave me a heart that loves completely…He knew I would get hurt, but He created me to be the way that I am. I'm not allowed even for one second to feel that there is anything wrong with who I am (though, let's be honest, I'm sure I will). And one day my heart and my life will be a blessing to someone special. As for now, I can use the heart He's given me to love the friends He's placed in my life…I'm not kidding when I tell you how unbelievable my friends are...my family, too. And listen to His timing: A week after all this went down He whisked me away to Australia for a month. Can you believe the timing of this?

So I am now sitting on a twin bed in Melbourne, Australia…much like the one I have at home in Nashville, TN (so there is at least one resemblance of home for me here)…and I am still mourning over the past. I cannot seem to get over the fact that a chapter has ended in my life and I'm not in control of it…yet somehow I know that this lack of control is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Because it's not enough to listen, I also have to actually do what I'm being told. And today His Word for me was pretty clear:

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

The other good news is this…He says:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life." (Isaiah 43:1-4)

Those words have comforted me so much. He truly does nothing without a plan. The hardest part of receiving is letting go (of my ideas, my plans). Because do I really want only what I want knowing that there's something greater? I don't think anyone would knowingly settle for less than the best. Hebrews talks about how "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (11:1). And Abraham,

"By faith….obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going….For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God." (Hebrews 11:8, 10)

I want the life whose architect and builder is God. So until then, I suppose, trust is the key. I think trust is the second part of listening…trust is what we are called to do…trusting that because our God is faithful and good no matter what, that He will do all the things He promises in Isaiah 43 and more.

And I am thankful that I am weak because His power is made perfect in weakness. So to quote myself: "We fit, we fit."