I'm looking over my sexual relationship with M, this is going to be so thrilling to read when I'm 80 and all dried up, but now it's a bit hard to take. (You'll see why, later.)

.. of times we've seen each other - 13
.. of nights spent at his house - 14?
.. of nights spent at my house - 3
.. of times we've had sex - 13 (two were morning afters, so some might say 11)
.. of times with coke - 11.5
.. of good times - 12
.. of times I came - 3?
.. of months since we met - 10.5
.. of months he pulled his disappearing act - 8?

Here are some bits and pieces, so you can get an idea about this guy. There's a lot of writing (3 books total, on everyone, not just M), so I can't repeat the whole story and some/ most things will be out of order. Also, all typos and grammatical errors will be included; they add a little something.

11-5-05
Breathless

Breath-less-uh - like the title song to the Richard Gere movie, which is quite fitting considering M has some of the same qualities that make him so popular. Mainly it's the hair, that not quite pre-mature gray (M is 41) that should have been cut weeks ago and has now grown into that swoopy, shaggy, irresistable style that your hot professor used to sport, and that charismatic nature that is just left of being considered arrogant. Scratch that, he's not a very charming guy, though he is terribly attractive (I'm still trying to figure out exactly who he looks like - he's been told Peter Fonda, I can see it about 5 years after Easy Rider, and Robert Downey Jr., a stretch, but I can see that too.) and he has 'it' - I think 'it' is a combination of the swoopy hair, dressing younger ( I think clothes should be a reflection of attitude, not age, when tastefully done, anyway) and being European - I wouldn't have guessed *****. He's quite cosmopolitan (that's what I was trying to say earlier), not like the drink.

11-11-05
Breathless....again

So...., M. He doesn't look like his photos, his hair is longer, he's wearing jeans, a printed tee and blazer (the Queer Eye uniform), he seems agitated (understandably so), he removes his bluetooth (it's calling me), he's attractive, I don't think we'll hit it off. I'm realizing it's after 10 pm, the last train is at 12:20 - guess I'll be doing my project tonight, afterall. I have my camera but no overnight stuff - anything and everything for art. He was supposed to be at the airport at midnight, so I was off the hook....was. I didn't expect what I got, but I was glad for it.

Before Meeting
- M tells me "you're beautiful". He asks for another photo; 'uh oh', I think, and ask if he plans to masturbate to it - he doesn't, laughter. I send the one of me in Miami 'before I cut off my hair' - always with that disclaimer. Later, I see he has it saved on his desktop.
- Masturbation story- he tells me (Mon?) he almost broke himself, he masturbated to the thought, not photo of me. When I see him Thurs. and we're both a bit drunk, I tell him that I don't masturbate, but I had to (the night before), thinking of him. I think/am sure that this is a turn-on for M.
- On the phone he keeps telling me I'm beautiful. Later, he tells me he loves me or that he knows he will. I ask him about it on Tues - he says he wanted to have sex with me then. (Now he means it?)

First Time
- Says he likes beautiful feet; he sucked my big toes
- has a very cute butt
- kept saying he looked like shit
- Asked why I wore 'that' bra, I don't need bigger breasts. Not the first time I've heard that, proving that all men don't want a Pam Anderson. There are quite a few listings on CL specifically asking for small-breasted women, which proves nothing (can't trust CLers 100%). If I had naturally big, round breasts I'm sure they'd be happy and not say they need to be smaller. Lightbulb! I guess the key here is 'natural'.
- I tell him I hone up to my actions and accept the consequences. [Actually, I told him at lunch after the 2nd time] We had sex the 1st night, mainly oral since neither of us had condoms. There was a bit of intercourse, teasing, that felt insanely great. I couldn't sleep (why later), got up, showered, had tea, tried to wake M. That afternoon we had sex again, we didn't shower again. We did it because when I was laying next to him, clothed, I said I had a flashback of the night before and that got him excited. When I got home I smelled myself and didn't recognize the scent. I guess it was a mix of me and him.
- He says he's suprised we had sex. I question him about this - he didn't think I liked him when we met. (I thought he was quite different than his photos, more attractive even. Well not the 2nd photo with him copying a ******* painting, I told him I fell in love when I saw that.)
- when we left after the 1st night, I was afraid I'd never sleep with him again
- I put on one of his Diesel tees when I get up. He says I like his clothes, I agree though I'm wearing it because it smells of him.
- He has Michael Kors and Davioff (the dark one, Zino?). It's funny, I was just at Sephora and recognized these as soon as I saw them.
- I complain about him sleeping so long; he says he is man and man is simple. I'm not real sure what that means, but it reminds me of Chris Rock - "all men need is food, sex, and silence". (I equate sleep w/silence in M's case since he seem's incredibly social, like he's never alone.)
- After our 1st time, M calls me - he's mad I don't call him enough or I'm not the 1st to call. He says that's our difference ( European and American ways).
- I still want to travel with him. How much fun would it have been to do the project in ****?

Second Time
-M tells me of ex-girlfriends (he broke up 3 mon. ago). One for two years, the other for 3 mon. (last time he had sex, hard to believe.) I ask how long he plans to be with me - "Forever", though he might feel different tomorrow. He asks me - "One day less than forever", he frowns. I kiss him and change my answer, "One day past forever", he smiles.
- guilted me into coming downtown to meet his friend D, called me while he was drunk.
- tells L he's a lesbian, wants to know her whole story, offers her advice from us both (Why us? Because we're older?). She shows him a pic in her phone of C, he asks if she has a dick.
- tries to go down on me in D's bathroom
- D offers to let us stay, because M is past drunk. I say I'm driving, thinking we'll be in M's car, but he still has the hooptie. I'm worried that they'll try a threesome. D tries to go with us, says he'll sit in the corner (and do what? No thanks, party's over).
- I'm missing my panties, don't know in what room they were removed. I wonder if M is keeping them as a keepsake (probably not, he was too out of it).
- I took two baths - one with M, the other without - a short one since he kept calling me to bed.
- I slept 2-3 hours, better than the last time
- While he was in the bathtub, he asked to clean me after I urinated; I declined and hopped in with him.
- He's beautiful. I tell him I love his butt, he reciprocates.
- The first time I was there, I saw a box of Tampax in the bathroom cabinet. Today I notice 2 toothbrushes and a ladies razor in the stand on the counter.
- After my 2nd call from K, which puts me in a somber mood, I ask M if he has any secrets.
He doesn't understand, so I tell him part of the K story (wife & child). M tells me he doesn't, except for his wife and 4 kids, plus he just got out of prison and may be going back soon. I laugh half-heartedly and think he could be telling me the truth - I don't know him.
- I've decided I don't want him to be a stranger, though I'm not sure what I want him to be. We are very different people - he seems to work hard and play hard.
- At lunch, he's staring through me - tells me my eyes are very blue around (cirle hand gesture). I explain why, he says like 'Unbreakable', "exactly", I say. Later, Alicia Keyes 'Unbreakable' comes on, I point out the title and tell him it has nothing to do with the movie.
- I'm suprised he holds my hand in his neighborhood bars. Others notice; I wonder if I'm the girl 'du jour'.
- I said I wasn't going to compromise myself, but what do I do at the first sign of adversity...give in. I told myself I was going to see him Mon. evening b/c L was guilting me into meeting her at the airport. I didn't make it to Midway, too late of a start.
- We're riding in a crappy car belonging to one of his contractors - it's filled with garbage, bashed in and begging to be pimped.
- I'm notorious for making something out of nothing, as in this relationship. My mind tells me to let it/ him go, but since my id has been bound, gagged, and thrown in the basement, I know I cannot.
- He drives me crazy, him wanting me and calling out "Oh Fuck" & "Oh God" sends me over the edge.
- He didn't wash his sheets since the 1st time, I could tell by all the [dog] hair.
- When leaving D's, he tells me that I am sarcastic (just noticing?), I say "yes", like it's a ccompliment.
- 2nd time, marathon sex night & morning. He keeps telling me I taste good. I ask what I taste like - "spring", he says.
- I wake up with bruises - inside my knees, thumb prints on my inner thighs. There are probably some on my ass, the way he squeezed me and the fact that I made him keep doing it.
- I like that he doesn't talk dirty to me; I don't think he's ever used the word 'fuck' (except 'oh fuck!'). On the phone, before meeting, he tells me how much he loves women and that he wants to eat my....he doesn't want to be crude and asks me what the word is. I tell him, and that there is no nice way to say it.
- D asks how long we've known each other - 2 weeks (only 1 in person).
- I think D tried to warn me about M. They compliment and make disparaging remarks about each other. M says D is an architect (he just got $107 or $170,000 for a residential project he's working on nearby) and a weirdo. D says M is the best artist he knows and kind of shakes his head, wondering why I'm with him - I must've blocked out the negative comments. Oh Boy. (D was referring to [another M] as the artist. 7-30-06)
- At the bar with D and L, I tell them the 1st time was for the project, work, now it's personal. M smiles.
- On Tues. M asks about L - "She was big right, you know, heavy?" and "She is really a lesbian?". He thought she was kidding because C is so butch, it really confused him. He calls himself a lesbian, he'd love nothing more than to bury his face in my crotch.