I started with the best of intentions. There was a white horse and he was frolicking through the meadow and he fell in a slough full of mud. Now he’s not so white and pretty, now is he? The complete story would fill volumes, and it has a need to be told, both to let others know of a dimension that exists in which all of our questions are answered, in which life's mysteries can be revealed, where God and Soul make absolute sense, and in which truth and madness are the same universe. It is not the innocuous instrument of enlightenment that it may seem.

And then, was I in the groove! The Problems of Life seem small to your unlimited good-feel powers. You feel Fun. It’s your good feelings. Great first experience, energy and euphoria, the best thing ever. I could not hear anything but a distant roll of ocean waves that were nothing less than soothing. I had a window of opportunity and I went through it. A soft piano concerto was playing. You’re in a different world and everyone understands you. You're a pendulum of moods as you await the weekend to do your "thing"- rock a bit, feel good with no effort. You harnished the power to perfection, and nothing in your 'human world' even mattered. Ego death and universes peelin’ away. Thousands of orgasms, and the recurring thought of how good it felt. The only common denominator was infinity: no matter what occurred, it was absolutely outside of any concept of space or time. In fact, it seemed more like a vertical cut through all linear constructs to a simultaneous everything. In essence, a very schizophrenic oneness was achieved. Often beings would talk to me. I would predict correctly future events. I became various entities and visited every dimension conceivable. Even my own teenage kids call me 'The space cadet', which means being up in the clouds when people are talking to me! I have to work hard at keeping myself focused on the conversations I have with people.

My brother coined the term 'Gascid' to describe the combination of Nitrous Oxide on top of LSD, although I believe that I may well have been the first to have discovered it - and if not I am certainly one of the most experienced. I have done over 1500 doses of LSD over the last 20 years and of those, about 300 were done in combination with Nitrous oxide. You would say I used it on a recrerational basis. If I don't have sex every day I get really tearful and angry at first, then depressed. I have to masturbate several times every day. I always throw up. I always ask Tanya if I can poke her in the dumper. It’s tighter than the pussy anyways. After the last time, I told her, "I don't know how to feel when we do this, anymore." It's hard to believe that I did those things. I kept most of it hidden in my skillful controlling way for quite a few months. The fact that most of my sinful lifestyle was lived around celebrities is immaterial when the gravity of my deeds is weighed. Anything that freezes you, makes you pass out, have hallucinations and throw up is dangerous.

But then it happened. My sorority sisters found out and told me I had to quit coke or I was out of the sisterhood. My ability to burp had returned overnight, but my ability to urinate had not. Life isn't like that and problems don't disappear overnight. An addicted customer keeps coming back for more. Before one realizes, snorting cocaine and heroin becomes a repeated thing. I cannot remember the exact point at which I crossed over from being a psychedelic explorer and scientist to Nitrous addict. I wanted to be like the super studs I saw in the magazines. I would not recommend solvents to anyone. I started doing them 17 years ago and I still can't trust myself with a tube of glue. My hairs will stand on end and my blood will chill any time I visually think about or see an image of a rock being melted and charred in the 'Chore Boy' of a stem for the rest of my life. Heroin also helped me to discover that I'm a tranny, but no one really cares about that.

By this time my control issue was overly out of hand. I knew that I was in trouble, but I carried on. For four days and nights, I sat in a chair except for the times I woke laying on the floor in my puke, from the seizures. You are No longer Indulging in the speedball, you're Living it. When I personally got to the "acting out phase," I started fantasizing about what it would be like to actually rape a woman. That becomes a reality and this time I find myself shoving about 300mg pure in a cap up my ass as far as it could go. That was like opening up a door to hell. I opened this door to darkness, and I opened up this door to debauchery. I opened up this door, and all of these demons came in. They were all eating. Ice cream cake, wings, lasagna, beer. Those images started me masturbating more. I was constantly hacking up thick goobers of foul tasting sputum. I have never fully recovered. Now Tonya’s starting to bitch about having pains every time she goes to the ladies room (I don’t even want to think about that. Gross). Maybe I need to see a sex therapist.

I don't tell this to make you feel sorry for me. I brought it onto myself. Satan is very tempting. I was still drawn in by the power of pornography and desperately needed a touch from God. I got it one day while watching The 700 Club. God is so good to put goodness in the big holes left by sin. I read my bible and I searched up masturbation help sites like yours. There was nothing in my hands I could bring. It was only to the Cross I could cling because there was nothing I could do in and of myself to deliver myself, I know the power of God to deliver. I know God is able, I know God is strong, and I know He wants to deliver. If God can raise Christ from the dead, you bet He can heal you from this problem. I am a wave, he is the infinite ocean. So we admitted that we were powerless over lust - that our lives had become unmanageable. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. It was then that we knew God had turned his back on us.

It's the story of my life, yet that hunger for it never goes. If you are in sexual relations with someone, stop. Find an accountability partner to help you through your struggles. I can't tell you how relieved and freed I felt after telling a friend of mine that I had a problem with pornography and masturbation. It came through choked utterances and tearful eyes, but it was done. The first thing I recommend after finding an accountability partner is to make a plan. If you ever try and convince yourself your drinking never made you do something you heard another alcoholic has done...Just put a YET on the end of that sentence. If you stay strong minded and realize the meth will take control if you do too much, you will be fine. The program works so well if we just remember to "Keep It Simple." When you are scrubbing your tub daily, stop. When your body is covered in bumps you created, stop. I pride myself on being a very smart individual. Completely in control of my mind.