I used to have a tradition of posting an obnoxious political rant on election day. get it all out in one shot, in the hope i could avoid becoming that drunk moron at the bar, who insists on telling everyone his views on neo-something-or-other blah blah blah.

    I sat down this year, and realized not much has changed since i voted in 2006. same old rhetoric from the same old politicians, with a few new names attached to the same old sound bytes.so instead of wasting my breath writing a new rant for 2008 i'm gonna try and write a song about what a great team the Montreal Canadiens have this season. And i'm gonna post my unedited unchanged rant from 2006, for anyone who cares to read it. If you are american, you can read it also just replace the name Harper with the name McCain.
love,
-Menno

here it is:

Menno's election day rant, 2006 and 2008.

    If you live in Canada...i hope you are aware that we have an election to choose our federal government today. Now, the trend of the millenium is to talk shit about george Dubya cause he is a wicked bad Man (not like as in....'yo, that guy covered in blood fighting that shark over there is wicked bad, man') Well, as far as i can tell the head of Canada's Conservative party, Stevie Harper, is in fact twice as evil as George Bush and almost half as Evil as Dick Cheney. Despite this, none of the punks seem to be getting too worried that he is about to be elected as Canada's next prime minister. No compilations? No witty/stupid T-shirts? What gives?
    Maybe this is due to the fact that the Prime Minister of Canada commands an army that would probly lose a war against the Boise, Idaho Police SWAT Team. That is if the canadian forces even made it past the border without all their planes and helicopters crashing. But, don't worry Mr. Bush.....Stephen Harper would never try anything like that. First he plans to build up our military forces....then he can be a more supportive ally to future Bush-led iniatives to piss off the rest of the world. Canada is seen as America's wimpy little brother, but a Conservative led Canada will be very eager to prove to big brother that it is getting tougher. Canada will eat its vegetables and go to the gym and, soon enough, big brother will start letting Harper sit beside him in church. This is when we will notice a crucial difference between Harper and Bush.
    Harper is not stupid.....no....as much as i dislike him...he is a quick little whipper. He has managed to dupe many Canadians into believing that he is a moderate conservative. He has based his campaign on his proclaimations of integrity and honesty, when in reality he has substancially compromised his views towards moderate conservatism in order to appeal to a broader range of voters. This was a smart thing to do and, as shown in recent polls, it is evidently working.....but please Stephen harper do not talk to me about fucking integrity. He has a right to his right-wing opinions....that is what politics is for....and i'm sure if he ran on his true beliefs some of my red-neck neighbors would still vote for him. But don't dress up as a moderate conservative for the sake of winning votes and then lecture me about fucking integrity. Stephen harper is a homophobe, Stephen harper strongly opposes a women's right to choose. Stephen Harper doesn't give a fuck about the environment and he think george bush is a good guy......AND these are the things he admits to!!!!
    There was a rumour a few years back in which harper was asked by HIV/AIDS awareness activists to show solidarity with their campaign by taking an HIV test. He refused, kicking the activists out of his office on the basis that taking the test might get folks thinking he supported gay rights. What???????
    All those points don't really even matter. No, if you want real evidence of his evilness just look at his eyes. They are icy-blue and have a foggy glaze that makes him look like a cute animal in a horror film after it has been bitten by a zombie and been turned into a man-eating demon-beast. Has anyone noticed how he never looks directly at the camera? I think it's part of the curse that the zombies put on him....if he looks at the camera directly his soul will be captured.
    Within minutes all TV's will change to the same station and all the CBC anchors will start talking in really low demon voices...On Coach's Corner, Ron Maclean will start babbling uncontrollably about world domination. Then Don Cherry (wearing a suit so obnoxiously colourful that he is immune to the dark forces) will be like 'Uuuuhh Ron, i agree that Ulf Samuelson is a cheapshotter but that doesn't mean we should develop Nuclear weapons so we can drop an atomic bomb on Sweden.' Then Cherry will realise what has happened and say 'Kids, don't Vote for Stephen Harper'. But the kids can't vote for another 8 years and by then its to late.
    So .....That means it's up to us. me and you....right now. Now i'm not suggesting you vote liberal either. it pretty obvious how they have managed to screw things up for the last decade, and the conservatives have already wasted enough of your time and money making paul martin look like an alcoholic street-person (who has stolen millions of dollars) in those smear ads that John Stewart was making fun of the other day....so i'm not gonna rant about them.
    All i would like to say is that election time is kind of like a holiday to celebrate the fact that you have a brain. yes, it makes me very frusterated when i think about all the bullshit that comes with politicians....but it reminds me to stand up for myself and at least become aware of whats going on. Some of the polticians that are running this year are not so bad and some even have decent intentions......but for the most part most voters are once again faced with a choice between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich.
    I guess the point im trying to make is....if you want something, either do something about it or shut the fuck up, go watch American Idol and stay out of our way. For the record...i am gonna vote and i'm gonna vote for the Green Party. yeah... i know they aren't gonna win any seats, yeah i know that makes me sound like a pot-smokin' hippy......but they get a buck and some change for every vote they get.....i figure ya gotta start somewhere. also i figure voting, if nothing else, at least gives me the right to write songs about what a moron stevie harper is. merry election day. -Menno
rock over london, rock on chicago....'nachos, the best godamn food ever invented'