I dreamed about you all night, like most nights, last night. It was one of those dreams where I knew I was dreaming but it didn't matter because right now, I'll take you any way I can get you.

I'll be honest - I still, after all these years, hold on the shreds of hope that one day fate will bring us back to each other, where we belong. Sometimes that hope is all that keeps me going. But the pessimistic side tells me that hope is useless. Is it?

Then again, you're in love with her. And I want to scream at you. SHE'S NOT WORTHY! SHE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU! Then again, no one does. But I've been waiting such a long time. I've turned into someone who's lover dies and they just wait. But you're not dead! You're so close I could feel you.

Everytime we speak I'm always waiting for you to say you're ready, let's go. I wouldn't hesitate for a second.

So, am I just crazy? I feel like I am sometimes and that maybe.. maybe I made up your past love for me. But I SWEAR I felt it. It was electric and it couldn't be contained. I always wonder if you still had any left. You said you would, but people say a lot. I know I still you, and for better or for worse, I love you more than ever.

You called me baby fairly recently and my heart came to a dead stop. I was drunk off of it. I don't think you realised you said it but I know you did and I felt everything all over again. My hope grew even stronger that day and now it's like Ivy, growing inside me, and it wont stop. I'm afraid one day hope will kill me.

It kills me to know that it's my fault we're not together. I fucked up, baby. I fucked up big timme. All the bullshit lies, all the things I said and did. I let my disease take over me. I let it control us, really. I bet I could've done something about it and I didn't. It eats me alive inside daily.

You're my only hope. You're the only one who ever made me feel like I belonged. Like my life counted, like there was a point to this whole goddamn existense.

I'm sorry if you don't want to hear it. Call me in ten years. I may have a wonderful life, and even a family, but I'd jump at the chance to be with you.

I bet if you cut me open your name would be tattooed everywhere.

I can't let you go, not even if there's the smallest chance, even if you can't see it with the human eye. Even if there wasn't, I couldn't. Not ever.

I haven't cried in I don't know how long. I feel pathetic. AM I crazy? I am completely and madly in love with you - some would say the ghost of you. But I can't fucking help it. You're all I've ever wanted. I really can't bare to imagine the rest of my life like this - without you. I don't just want you, I NEED you. I fucking love you, as an action, not a noun.