i woke up crying this morning. im still not alright. i dont think i will be for quite some time. i guess the hardest part of things for me were the promises that were made and kept only with so much hesitation that i had to wonder if they were just empty words said to make me hear what i wanted to. i felt like i was being chosen second instead of first like i was promised. and that took me back to how things used to be, and its still hurting now. i know its making things worse for me that i cant talk to her right now or see her. everything is making me feel detached from her. the fact that i drove over there and sat outside praying for nearly 4 hours... when i was expecting her to tell her parents she was leaving and that she loved them... that was really hard as well. i do feel betrayed by her, i dont know why. it doesnt make a whole lot of sense to me right now, nothing does. but i guess i felt like if everything she had told me was true she wouldnt have put me through everything she did and she would have been able to just leave. irrational maybe. im grieveing. tahts really it i think. the loss of something, and im trying to find out what it is thats lost. just trusting god right now. just trusting him because i feel again like hes the only one i can trust.