"I wouldn't believe in the devil if I hadn't dated her"

-John Custer

"I went on and on to my friends over the years, compelling them to believe as I did that my enemies were villains. Now that I have convinced them all, it is quite clear to me that none of them can stand me any longer."  -John Custer

"She was hell bent on networking, this girl who went through life continuously dropping her handkerchief. She would never so much earn her position as much as she would gain status because of the raised hopes of men or asses filled with smoke."

-John Custer

"When they get into power, American politicians make sure to throw the people a bone. The bone the Republicans throw the public always ends up in the wrong orifice."  -John Custer

"Denial is a thin membrane and you're jumping on it like it is a trampoline." –John Custer

"After years of observing lives lived inside the box, I've determined that outside of the box is the place to be." –John Custer

"They say sluts like Britney Spears are a dime a dozen. I'll take five dollars worth." –John Custer

"Italians never die, they just finally settle down." –John Custer

"Life isn't about money. Even Americans manage to figure that out. It's just that most of them figure it out on their deathbeds." –John Custer

"There is a saying: 'Tell a smart girl that she is pretty and tell a pretty girl that she is smart'. So what the hell do I do now?" –John Custer

"Some people say I'm the devil which is ridiculous. The devil was a very short man as were most of the people of his time." –John Custer

"One day you may find yourself to be involved with a woman who is only after you for your money. When you see her, tell her I'd like my couch back." –John Custer

"All of those important things I wanted in my life… I finally got them all. Only to realize there were far better things I hadn't imagined yet." –John Custer

"The 'Grizzly Man' and the 'Crocodile Hunter' have met their fates. Now if Star Jones would simply return to the set of The View with an AK-47, destiny's appetite would be sated." –John Custer

"When social butterflies die, they preserve the carcasses in alcohol. This would have made them so happy." –John Custer

"Once an old girlfriend asked me what I would do if she ever left me. I told her I would fondly remember her as a 'training vagina'." –John Custer

"Being a devout Christian, George W. Bush respected the maxim, 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. This explains why he put up no resistance when a grizzly personification of the English Language came to butcher him." –John Custer