Hey hotwings,

I hope this finds you well.  I hope that you're not able to hide from this and it's able to successfully find you.  I hope that it does this well.  I can't think of another way to put it except that the older you get the more satisfying you find simple puns.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's just the difference between dads and non-dads.  I promise you - if you give a dad a pun, you'll have an instantly happier dad.  Anyway, either I'm about to accidentally become a dad or I already have kids I'm unaware of.  Either way, it's really surprising since I'm a virgin saving myself for mawwiage.  Also either way, I'm about to have a lot less money. But that doesn't matter anymore. 

I've been writing and recording the smash hit follow up to the debut Only Son record, which was itself a monstrous global success.  You might think to yourself, "I don't remember it being a global success."  But you'd be wrong.  So let's not dwell on accuracy or what you think you saw behind the picket fence.  Bottom line, Lee Harvey Oswald put out an instant classic in 2006 and nothing has been the same for anyone since. 

It's been awhile, I'll grant you that.  (I can't take credit for delivering 'I'll grant you that' in this tone.  Kindly listen to this horrifying and already famous phone message left by a stalkerish womanizer on some poor girl's answering machine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acERZQIAjUk . He's the genius, I'm just the messenger.)  

Anyway, I've been writing a lot of songs and it takes me a long time.  I have a nice amount written and a nicer amount almost finished and an impossible-to-judge amount of halfsies.  This is my progress report to you, the prospective consumer.  I want you, as an investor, to know that the Only Son brand is gearing up for its second massive launch and has lost none of its value.  On the contrary, we anticipate penetrating new and unexplored markets in the human soul by the fall.  You may be wondering how we plan on doing this without capital.  And you would be left wondering. You wouldn't want to know how Molly gets her beehive to stay intact all day, would you?  The mystery would be gone.  And so it is with the finance reports of OS Corp.  Suffice it to say that nothing said should be sufficient.  And let me finish this thought with another: The only thing more important than making a point is making the same point again immediately afterwards.  This is almost as important as remembering people's names, which Dale Carnegie will tell you is the most important element of a good relationship. Without names, you wouldn't even know who your friends are.

But this communique isn't about which classic self-help books I've read or what people would do if names didn't exist for things.  It's about music.  And the mountain range between myself and every album I make.  Don't get me wrong, I have a mule and a rucksack and tin cans and cowboys to help me get across.  But it sure gets lonesome under them icy blue stars and sometimes a fella could just break down and have a conversation.  Just last night I pitched camp and set up a bunch of red and orange paper in a pyramid with a fan blowing on it and it looked like a real fire.  As I was theoretically warming my hands I realized that the birds I heards weren't birds at all.  They were boyds.  And as the voice of Archie Bunker lulled me to sleep I thought of how excited I am to go back out on the road and share these experiences with you all again.  It's going to be fun and historic.  But that's for a later time.  Until then, I'll be holed up in my Arch de Bunker writing the songs that make the whole world listen for a second and then forget who sings it.  But emerging information technology will take care of that problem.  And when it does, I'll be old.

Until then, be good to each other.  And never forget that I give important spiritual advice at the end of my blogs.  This one is going a little longer than I thought, so I'll give you another one.

Be so great to each other that you don't even think about the slowly exploding state of affairs all around us.

Just kidding!  Everything's fine!!!!!!!!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jack
 
PS: To prove that everything's fine, please watch these hilarious cartoons by Brad Neely...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SspboO7yOc8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a20_HWXin3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7BkXtcwp7U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbx2XlqePwg