The Author's Lament..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Scene One
(Lights up as Lance crosses the living area, picks up Catherine's manuscript. Catherine's voiceovers can be pre-recorded so that it seems as if we can hear her thoughts, or what she's writing in her journal.)
Lance. I don't know why the silly woman thinks she can write a book, anyway. (flips through the pages, makes derogatory noises) The sooner I'm rid of her, the better.
Catherine enters room, and sits in her chair next to a trash can overflowing with papers, alternately typing on a laptop, and writing in a journal)
Voiceover. Cat eyes her husband evilly, not feeling at all sorry for the fact that she plans to drug him with Vicodin left over from her recent appendectomy. After he passes out, she then gets the nylon rope from her garage and with all the knowledge that she retained from her years with the Girl Scouts, ties his arms and legs with intricate knots to the four posters of their bed. She dances into the kitchen and procures a cast iron skillet. She pauses, relishing what she's about to do. She stealthily sneaks into the bedroom and waits patiently until the effects of the pill wear off. He groggily awakes, and when he asks her what is going on, she lists everything that he has ever said to belittle her or make her feel small. All his sins unto her… "You made me feel inferior", "You forgot our anniversary", "You never wanted to have children", "You left the toilet seat up" are punctuated with a blow from the black pan.
Lance. (Enters the room and light shows a small bar area where he crosses to make himself a drink) (To Catherine) What do you want to drink?
Catherine. I'm fine.
Lance: I think you need to have some orange juice. You know how shaky you get when you don't get anything to eat. Hypoglycemia? Remember? I diagnosed you. (Without waiting for a reply he grabs a glass fills it with orange juice and then covertly pops two pills into the glass. He then takes it over to Catherine and puts it on a stack of papers and it sloshes about.) Dr. Lance to the rescue, honey.
Catherine. (Very sarcastically) Thanks.
(Phone rings, Catherine picks up the phone and he yanks it away from her)
Lance. Hey, ba—I mean buddy! Yes, yes, I went through the proposal you gave me yesterday.
V.O. (Catherine crosses out what she's written and begins again) Taking a package of toothpicks from her sleeve, she proceeds to shove them, one by one, under his fingernails, ignoring the screams when she douses his new wounds with ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Tabasco.
Lance. We're trying to leave the house right now, but I'll make time for you later, Lor—enzo.
V.O. (Crosses out again) Catherine slit his throat with a rusty spoon.
Lance. I can't wait for the, er, big meeting. We can discuss the, em, outpatient procedures and… admittance regulations. (He laughs in a cheeky way)
V.O. (Crosses out again) Catherine threw chlorine from the pool into his eyes.
Lance. Oh, that's terrible! (Shiftily, he clears his throat) Er, I mean, that's a terrible idea! Yes, yes I agree wholeheartedly. Yes, I believe I can definitely schedule you for that.
V.O. (She looks at her pencil and continues to write) She then shoved a pencil up his nose. (She sighs and puts her book aside, planning to talk to Lance.)
Lance. (Continues) definitely schedule you for that. Uh huh. I know. Well, we'll talk later. Almost done, I told you. Buh bye.
Catherine. (Without warmth) Lance, honey, we need to talk.
Lance. (Pours chloroform on a cloth and walks up behind her) Oh?
Catherine. My book isn't going well…
Lance. Book? What book? You're not writing a book.
Catherine. What are you on? You know I'm writing a book.
Lance. I don't believe you, Catherine. And no one else will either. (Chloroforms her)
(Blackout)
Scene Two ( at the Anderson Lake Therapeutic Center. We hear the voices of the patients of the asylum, Steve, who thinks he's a superhero, Vinnie, an Italian mafia wannabe, Claire/Frita a woman with dual personalities, played by the same actress, obviously… Claire is prissy and fussy while Frita speaks only Spanish and is in love with Todd, who is muzzled and speaks with a pronounced lisp. Also Rick, a former firefighter who is convinced that he's Mahatma Ghandi, and Rodolphus, who, every time he speaks sounds like the Moviephone announcer.)
(The stage is dark. Several voices can be heard in the blackout)
Vinnie. (speaks with a 'Goodfellas' New York Italian accent) So wake her up, already.
Steve. I'll save her!
Vinnie. Steve. You. Are. Not. A superhero.
Steve. Yes I am!
Frita. Ella transformo' su vida incarnada por el sufrimiento en la fuerza mortriz de una obra que todavia sigue cautivando.
Vinnie. Shut up Frita. That's not even a real language.
Todd. (Speaks with a lisp) Yes it is. Spanish is the best language ever.
All. Shut up, Todd.
Rick. Do not gang up upon the one with the speech impediment.
(Lights up)
Rodolphus. In a world where some people are awake and some aren't, one woman began to open her eyes.
Catherine. Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Frita. Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Catherine. Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Todd. Oh, my goodness!
Vinnie. Ahh!
Rick. Please. Please, everyone…
Male Nurse. (enters) Look. There he is causing all the trouble again!
(Male nurses come and remove Rick from the room)
Rick. (As they drag him out) Gentlemen please, I'm a pacifist.
Todd. He really is a pacifist. That's too bad.
Vinnie. (To Catherine) So who are you again?
Rodolphus. She never introduces herself… she is alone, surrounded by people…
Frita. ( to Rodolphus) Callete! Pronto!
Catherine. Wh-where am I? Who are you?
Frita. No se te quien pero estas en la casa de los locos.
Catherine. What?
Frita. Como?
Claire. She said what.
Todd. You're at the Anderson Lake Therapeutic Center. Or ALT for short.
Catherine. Anderson Lake Therapeutic Center? Why am I here?
Todd. Some doctor brought you in.
Catherine. What doctor?
Vinnie. (gives a brief description of the actor playing Lance) I didn't catch his name.
Frita. Su nombre sonar como una cuchara muy larga. Su fue mariposon major.
Todd. ( listens to Frita and acts as a translator) Oh, right! Lance.
Vinnie. (gestures towards Frita and Todd) Yeah, they understand each other.
Catherine. Lance brought me here?
Rodolphus. An evil doctor planning the downfall of his wife…
All. Shut up, Rodolphus! Get out here! Lame-o.
Rodolphus. Sorry.
Steve. I'll save her!(to Todd) To the Steve Cave, Biter Boy. We can go consult the Steve computer. (strikes the 'Steve stance')
Vinnie. For the last time, Steve, you don't have a secret hideout.
Steve. Do so. (resumes 'Steve stance')
Todd. Shut up, Steve. You don't have a secret hideout. You're not a superhero, and I am NOT your sidekick. I tried to play along with you, but the tights were constricting.
Catherine. Stop! Everyone stop.
Frita. (mimics Catherine's gestures)Alto!
Catherine. Are you telling me my husband left me here?
Vinnie. If your husband's name is Lance, and he's a little light in the loafers, then yeah, your husband dropped you off.
Catherine. My husband is not gay!
Vinnie. I didn't say he's gay, but when he came in, his feet only hit the floor twice.
Claire. Vinnie, be kind. She's obviously distraught.
Vinnie. I'm just sayin'.
Catherine. Who are you? Why do you have that thing on your face?
Todd. I'm Todd. I'm a biter! Sorry!
Catherine. You're a biter?
Todd. Yes, that's why I'm here at the Anderson Lake Therapeutic Center. They keep me from biting myself and others. Hey, guys, let's all introduce ourselves to the new girl! Hey new girl, what's your name?
(everyone gathers around Catherine)
Catherine. My name is Catherine.
Frita. Oy, chica nueva, que es su problema?
Todd. What's your psychosis?
Catherine. I don't have a psychosis, I'm perfectly fine.
Rodolphus. (Moviephone) A woman trapped in an insane asylum surrounded by—
Vinnie. Surrounded by whom, exactly, Rodolphus? You gonna finish that?
Rick. (gets dragged through the room again) Stop the violence!
Claire. Yes, Vinnie. Let's not frighten the newcomer.
Catherine. (turns to Steve) Wasn't she just speaking Spanish?
Steve. Well, it seems I'm in a quandary, here. Do I tell the lovely damsel in distress that Frita and Claire are indeed the same person with two distinct personalities, or do I tell—
Catherine. Question answered, thanks.
Steve. Curses. Stifled in mid-monologue. (chin rub)
Catherine. (eyes him like he's a freak) Okay….
Todd. Here, a little order, please. Everone sit down. Take a seat, people! Everyone sitting? That's satisfactory. Vinnie, Catherine, Catherine, Vinnie. Catherine has been wrongly imprisoned. Vinnie is… well, just don't ask him about his Italian roots.
Vinnie. What'd you say?
Todd. He's only here because the men's prison down the street ran out of space.
Vinnie. You're walkin' a very fine line muzzle boy.
Claire. Vinnie, calm down.
Catherine. Vinnie? It's Vinnie isn't it? What's up with Frita, I mean Claire – erm, the lady who speaks Spanish?
Vinnie. Like Steve said, they're the same person.
Todd. No they're not! Do not compare my sweet, precious Frita to (great disgust) Claire is an ugly girl's name. Ugly! Ugly! Ugly! Ugly! (continues to chant throughout the next few lines)
Vinnie. Alright, while he's over there doin' that… Uh, Claire is a very nice person and Frita is, well, she's a little volitile. I never know what she's sayin, 'cause yo no comprendo, but she always seems very passionate about whatever the hell she's sayin'.
Catherine. What about that guy over there?
Vinnie. Steve?
Rodolphus. ( with movie announcer voice) Whenever the world needed saving, there was one man. One man who never knew quite what to do. He lacked a secret headquarters. He lacked superpowers. He lacked a sidekick. Armed only with a bath towel, swimming goggles and ladies pantyhose, his supermind bathed in mediocrity…
Steve. And pickle juice.
(beat)
Rodolphus. Right. (beat) This man who thought he was the world's last hope, but was really only a loony locked up with the crazies, was Steve.
Vinnie. Don't you mean committed?
Rodolphus. That, too.
Catherine (has moved closer to Vinnie during Rodolphus' rant) What's his story?
Todd. (skips up) Oh. That's Rodolphus Ernesto Gutierrez. He's our announcer.
Catherine. And the guy who was carried out of here?
Vinnie. That's Rick. He thinks he's Kojak.
Claire. You mean Ghandi.
Vinnie. Yeah, that's what I said. He's an ex fire-fighter. He tried to put out a fire under a bridge and got attacked by bats. They say the guano got to him. He had to go to some intense counseling, and now he loves everything. Even fire. He thinks it has a soul now so he can't put them out anymore and he got fir—er, canned.
Steve. (Steve stance) Pun averted!
Catherine. So my husband dropped me off here? Did he say when he was coming back?
Vinnie (under his breath) Probably when he gets done with his boyfriend.
Claire. He's not coming back, sweetheart.
Frita. Tu eres estupida …. Blah blah Spanish, chica.
Rodolphus. But now it is time for another perilous adventure, from where no man may return. The treacherous… the breathtaking… the epic… group therapy.
(Everyone with the exception of Catherine and Vinnie drop to their knees and cry, "no!" Steve remains standing, as well.)
Steve. (evil laugh) Muahahahahahahahaha!
Todd. (looks up at Steve) Steve. Stop doing the dastardly laugh. You are a superhero, not a super villain.
Steve. Right. (Steve drops to his knees and joins the "no!" Lorraine and Rick enter the room.)
Rodolphus. Enter… Lorraine.
Lorraine. (claps) I must request again that you refer to me as Dr. Strickland. Everyone focus! It's time for group. Let's all sit in a circle. Steve. Sit down. Todd? Don't make me use the key. (gestures winding it, Todd whimpers and hides behind Claire)
Claire. Get off me, Hannibal!
Lorraine. Focus, people. Let's all meet our newest member, (consults clipboard) Catherine.
Steve. (Interrupts) Me, first! Me first! Can I go?
Lorraine. (rolls eyes, huffs) Fine.
Steve. So I was on top of the Steve building, following the Steve signal—
Claire. Naturally.
Steve. When suddenly, out of the corner of my super vision whom did I spy, but THE PRAYING MANTIS! That most Dastardly of foes, that most treacherous of villains, that most evilest of—
Lorraine. Yeah. About that. Claude?
(Claude cracks knuckles menacingly, Steve cowers and whimpers)
Todd. So I did something stupid this week.
Claire. What a shocker.
Lorraine. Claire.
Rodolphus. He fell down a fight of stairs and his muzzle got caught in the wheels of the food cart.
Todd. I was dragged around the asylum for three hours while the nurses delivered food.
Lorraine. Did they not hear you scream?
Todd. They did at first but they thought it was just the other patients. Then my straps tightened and I couldn't move my mouth anymore.
Frita. Que Horrible'!
Lorraine. How did you get free?
Todd. Vinnie stopped the cart.
Vinnie. I wanted a pudding. (Others look at him) I didn't care about lisp boy, here, I just wanted the nurses to deliver a package for me to the outside... and bring me lasagna.
Lorraine. Lasgana?
Vinnie. A man's got needs.
Lorrainne. Ummmhmmm. And how did that make you feel, Todd?
Todd. I got a carpet burn on my ass.
Lorraine. Todd. Language, please.
Steve. (whispers to Catherine, thumbs at Frita) She speaks two.
Catherine. I know.
Lorraine. Do you have something to share with the group, Steve?
Steve. Um, no.
Lorraine. The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. (Rick raises his hand) Rick? Do you have something to say?
Rick. (calmly) I do not mean to be bothersome, but the male nurses won't allow my religious fasting.
Lorraine. Are you raising your voice at me?
Rick. (calmly) No. No, I'm not raising my voice.
Lorraine. Claude? Roy? Take 'em both.
(Claude and Roy come and put Rick in a straightjacket and escort them both from the room)
Lorraine. (Looks at Frita/Claire) Do either of you have anything to say today?
Frita. Escuchame. Escuchame! Muerete y pudrete en infierno. Bastante! No mas mierda loca. Te corta en pesces que una abotar y fuegate tu saca de chorilla de los elefantes. (Listen to me. Listen to me! Die and rot in hell. Enough of you! No more crazy crap. I will cut you in pieces like an abattoir and burn you, you sack of elephant diarrhea)
Lorraine. Yeah, I don't know how to say this but (blows dog whistle) Claude? Roy?
Claude and Roy take Frita/Claire off. Todd Follows.
Rodolphus. There was an intangible tension between the two women. They stared each other down, knowing deep down in their souls that only one would emerge the victor, victor, victor (echos his voice)…
Vinnie. I had a cousin named Victor once.
Catherine. Really?
Vinnie. Yeah, He ended up with a pair of concrete shoes.
Catherine. (horrified) You killed him?
Vinnie. No, he's a collector.
Lorraine. Vinnie? Is there something you'd like to share with the group?
Catherine. Group? You mean the three of us? The depleted group?
Lorraine. (eyes Catherine) I don't know that you want to get on my bad side.
Vinnie. (behind Cathrine, through gritted teeth) Walk away. Walk away now. (Catherine and Lorraine stare at each other) Okay, I'm not getting in the middle of this.
Catherine. (Finally explodes) So why am I here, doctor? Why did my husband leave me here? Why can't I leave? What's wrong with me? I've sat patiently through your group therapy session--
Lorraine. We're not allowed to talk about admittance/patient regulations with the patients. Yes. (turns abruptly and exits)