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☆LASERgirl [graphic artist/web designer/ninja]

Nerd-Queen Oo-la-la


Last Updated: 12/1/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Married
Age: 24
Sign: Gemini

City: agnossia
State: Florida
Country: US
Signup Date: 3/10/2005

Who Gives Kudos:

Epic [Laser.. (1)
Sunday, August 27, 2006 
the more i think about it, the less i worry.. the less concerned i am with the outcome. more & more comfort comes to me without a herald, like someone tossing a warm fuzzy blanket on my shoulders from behind. thanks.

trusting all to that which is is really the only thing one can actively accomplish.. anything else is just struggling against it. less & less do i feel the need to put forth conscious effort concerning anything, & when i decide to, against my better judgement, i am rewarded with frustration, compromise & unnecessary stress, which proves further to me that i should just truncate the exchange right from the beginning, cut off the energy transaction. no more feeding the flailing child.

i knew where this was going to take me when i started down this road.. complete severance from current accepted society. i now dwell in the depths of self imposed outcastism, & yet i find myself trying to function in your world. it's like i still have some of the motor reflexes left to run this body according to you, but they are just random electrical sparks, like a seizure. some things i guess i still want from your world, that i must gain before i can completely subside.

i guess i am only going to school for mommy, in the end... she is the only one who can make me do anything. i love her so much, but i am still trying to do something that i have always been trying to do, which is make her happy. i am still stuck in this mechanism, assuming i can somehow alter her happiness in any way. i want to look accomplished to her, successful... but in my own life i want neither of those things nor do i care if either ever happen. just to keep up appearances for mommy. well i guess i can't quit yet... i have a lesson i haven't learned from your world, obviously.. i'll receive it when the time is nigh.

i do feel as though i am indulging in suffering for this reason... suffer to make mama happy. going to school is a wonderful opportunity which i am sickly grateful to have, however the fact that college education's only motivation is money not knowledge at all, turns my stomach. every thing i do is graded on how much money it has the potential to make. i don't hate anything anymore these days but money still brings a sour, metallic taste to my mouth. i only do things just to do them, nothing more. someday i will make games, but i've got no real ambition.. i am just drawing whatever i want to draw with a conceptual goal, knowing that when they are ready to be used they will come to life on their own. i want to make a game just to make it, not to be paid or famous for it, or even have my name remembered. i want to create the experience, or rather, i want to let the experience live itself out through me. the only thing i have mastered is letting the universe do whatever it wants. school has its importance though, i do know that... i would never have met nicky if it weren't for school. that's reason enough to go! school is so uninspiring though... the system chews you up & shits you out, into an industry of other shits all lined up next to each other, with the same qualities... nothing new, nothing fresh... just syntax perpetuated.

i shall bring thee down.


so, shaving my head & moving to tibet... who is coming with me?
8:24 AM
 
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♫ ϟphinx Φ

 
So, do you get it?
 
Posted by ♫ ϟphinx Φ on Saturday, December 02, 2006 - 1:55 PM
[Reply to this] 
Epic [Laser] Storm

 
Ah!@ Sis, I love you. Reading your journal makes me think and be sad. Yes, making mom happy does seem the only real reason we act. If father wasnt an assninja (no, seriously) wiid be doing the same for him, too. I love mom so much. It makes me sad that I suck @t life and find myself pondering my existence. Much like yourself, I do not long for any of the things that have been set forth. Though, I did some, none the less.

I need to shape up because I realize now that honestly, I want to make mother happy also. Though she is happy in her own world. I would find satisfaction in her having known that we pulled through.

Life's monotonous.

You thinking about moving to Tibet? I will go with you for sure, with the exception of a few things. Mom wants to send me to llama school. Im really considering on going.

Ive been meditating more lately. Ive been trying to get around all the anxiety attacks ive been having. Its frightening. I do it a little differently, though. Instead of letting my mind go and go blank, I think of mom and then let my thoughts flow from there. She helps me channel my chi like you wouldnt believe. I get an overwhelming rush of warmth every time. The sheer thought has left many tears running across the floor. It makes me smile every time I think of her. I love mom :' )

Did I tell you the tat im going to get? Itll read "my mom fucking rocks!" Not quite what she will like but the emphasis is wut im after.

I must have listened to Hijack like [...] 18gagillion times by now. Its a good song lol.  Mc makes me laugh. Its about all I can do nowadays.

 Love you, sis. Miss ya

peace

 
Posted by Epic [Laser] Storm on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 10:24 AM
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